Do you believe that a book can change one’s life? I do and it does. It’s called “Please understand me” and it has two versions. The version I read is the 2nd version. Is this change good? I can’t tell. I agree when you gain something you usually lose something else and the same, when you lose something you gain something else. It all depends on the importance of what you gain or on how you view what you gain. Do you appreciate and cherish it? I was in my deep depression finishing a precious friendship with a like-minded male friend. It was a kind of perfect friendship journey once in one’s life. It’s finished because we were too young or because I didn’t read this relationship book.
Sometimes when you are sad about finishing a love relationship with your ex-lover or the like, it’s not because you are still being in love with him/her, rather, because you don’t understand how and why this ends. You always think you can learn from your previous failures when you know the reasons and then you can move on to the next one, however, it doesn’t definitely work the next time, simply because the next love relationship is different, the next person is different. You don’t understand who he/she is from your point of view.
The good point for me to know these differences revealed by this relationship book is that I understand others better although I’m not changed and neither is the other person; It helps get along with others better. However, the other point is when I understand others better but the others still don’t understand me I become even more lonely.
Well, I admit that each individual has his/her path, destiny. I see what I gain and appreciate it and I agree that real life itself is imperfect, therefore, I’m contented with my loneliness and at least, with the perfection stays in my memories. The number of friends other people have around or number of family members other people have around are their victories but just like Canada’s tranquility, without such quantities, I’m contented with what I have and they are my fortune, my treasure.
So here comes this relationship book. It has a Temperament Sorter. When you try the shortcut and do the Sorter usually you can’t get an accurate image of yourself because you don’t truly understand the questions and answers and perhaps you don’t even know yourself! You won’t really know yourself till you thoroughly read this relationship book in great detail.
By the way, I would point out a major difference between Keirsey Intelligence Types and the popular Myers-Briggs Psychological Function Types to make sure that we are talking about the same “types”. Myers-Briggs Type Indicator contributed to Keirsey’s theory, yet it’s imperfect and Keirsey corrected and detailed it in a way that makes Keirsey’s more worthwhile. I have to say that to this point Keirsey’s contribution is enormous.
Keirsey believes that people are derived from two most basic human actions, how we communicate with each other, and how we use tools to accomplish our goals, that is, concrete or abstract in our word usage, and untilitarian or cooperative in our choice and use of tools. This idea of defining personality differences by sticking to what can be observed – words and tools – sets Myer-Briggs’ and Keirsey’s view of personality rather far apart. While Myer-Briggs assumed that personality could be pieced together from independent elements, Keirsey believes that personality comes about not by an integration of elements, but by differentiation within an already integrated whole, emerging gradually as an individuated configurations.
So when two personality fans sit together talking about INTPs, while one is a Meyer-Briggs’ fan and the other Keirsey’s, they are actually talking about two different things, especially when the Meyer-Briggs one mentions “Introverted Thinking”. Once you hear this phrase and if you are a Keirsey fan, please modestly feel proud. Meyer-Briggs call both ISTP and INTP “Introverted Thinking” types, and thus nearly identical in attitude and action. Keirsey, however, sees that NT Rationals are abstract in communicating messages and utilitarian in using tools to implement their goals, while SJ Guardians are concrete in communicating messages and cooperative in using tools, therefore, they are greatly different…
The following is the brief of this relationship book. If you want to save a vital love relationship from failure or if you want to grow and keep a successful love relationship when it just starts it’s very helpful for you or even your partner both to read this relationship book; especially when you have question marks why some of your previous love relationships end similarly, it’s fairly important for you to understand who they are, why they attract you and why it still ends finally.
The main idea of the author’s view is that people are different! You can’t say that they are odd just because of the differences and if so, then you are odd too! People deserve to be respected for what they are. It’s a good start if you know who you are and know your image in others’ eyes. You can’t change yourself, however, at least you know your weaknesses and you know how to hold others the least harmful by keeping the best distance with others. “Harm” can be anything mentally that makes others feel uncomfortable or sad.
Then the next step for you is to understand others, understand who they are, understand the differences, understand why some people have a kind of excessive cleanliness while you are proud of your spontaneousness without knowing that some of your small surprises of uninvited visits make these reserved people uncomfortable rather than romantic; you will understand why some people are so sweet while some others sound cold and you happen to fall in love with the latter then you are going starving for a bit more sweetness from your partner. You will understand that love can’t be measured by sweetness; the hidden sweetness is probably the deepest. Your partner can also feel uncomfortable of your excessive sweetness – too feminine in some people’s eyes…
I am an artistic idealist influenced by guardian and rational. I know that meal is important than other idealists do. The author Dr. Keirsey said, “No matter what kind of persons Idealists marry, however, it is not too much to say that they are the best of all the temperaments at creating successful and fulfilling marriages. Their sensitivity, their spirit of cooperation, their ability to communicate their feelings, their passion for their mates, and their desire for deep bonding, their personal warmth and enthusiasm – all these traits work their magic in the Idealists’ relationships.” This is true that the one who mates with idealist is happy, however, on the other hand, idealist becomes the one who has to put up with all the harm passively. That resulted in my depression and sadness. That’s also how and why I learned from rational how to be rational. That’s why I cherish health and happiness over the rest.
Tags: Ex-Lover, Personality, Relationship, Relationship Book, Temperament
Your letter was the perfect thing for me at this time in my life. Thank you for taking the time to write such a heartfelt piece.
Ever since I can remember, I have always had a curiosity for this deep inner knowing of “Self”. This all consuming and magnificent obsession has driven me to find new answers about human behavior. I recently ran across the “Please Understand Me 2” book and found that I was a Champion/Healer Idealist temperament.
I am struggling at the moment with a similar feeling of loneliness and alienation. I live in one of the most conservative and traditional areas in the country and find myself constantly curious about others behavior.
I ended up marrying a traditional Provider Guardian and have just really realized that I have tried to change her for the last 7 years of our marriage. I am deeply longing for connection and a “soul mate”, an understanding and a genuine sense that I am known (as described in the Idealist mates profile).
How do I deal with the fact that the person I am with doesn’t understand or maybe even isn’t possible of understanding what I am longing for in a connection with her? When I bring it up or try to communicate in any way it is perceived that we are just different and maybe not meant for each other.
I am at a loss and feel like you may have some insights about relationships dealing with this sort of dilemma. Specifically, about the internal struggles of the Idealist understanding the specific temperament of their mates, but resentful that their perceived notion cannot reciprocate the understanding. I guess what I want to know is, what do we do now that we know more about ourselves and the motivations that drive our sense of self. How can I address the loneliness?
Loneliness is probably a lifelong feeling being with you. Only other like-minded people are possible of understanding you. Try to make friends with those who are like you.
good article as usual!