My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 years. We aren’t just dating, he is also my best friend, we have so much in common and we match perfectly. We are both 20, and I am an hour away at college, in my 2nd year. He just started college this year because of loans, and he goes to the university near home and commutes.
In the past, the “distance” has never been a huge problem. We would talk on the phone, text,Skye, or just send each other little comments on facebook. That’s when I realized he was hiding things from me. We have always been able to tell each other anything, no hiding necessary. First, it started out that he would watch porn. I asked him what kind of porn and if I could see it, he said that if it “was embarrassing.”
he ALSO said that He has apparently made three female friends at his university, and he drew a funny little comic with inside jokes, and uploaded it into facebook. I have never heard of these girls before in my life. So I ask him, what these photos were about and who the girls are. He gets all weird! saying “why?” “why does it matter?” hmm I just want to know, why should it matter? He says who they are and a little about them, then says “I didn’t tell you cause I know you would get paranoid and jealous.”
I told him that NOT TELLING ME in the first place…made me MORE paranoid. I told him that I was really mad about this, and that he wouldn’t even TELL me who they were and how he knew them, and he said that “if I have any more suspicions, to keep them to myself. He doesn’t wanna hear them.” He says I “stress him out, make him anxious…etc..” Like trying to guilt trip me!
The two girls, don’t seem like a threat at all. But, the other girl is TROUBLE. He doesn’t think so…but her facebook has half nude photos, her interests include “debauchery, adultery, public sex, not wearing underwear…etc etc.”. It is disgusting. She CONSTANTLY posts things on his facebook, and since these girls appeared out of nowhere….he doesn’t even mention my existence once!
When I bring it up, and how I don’t trust this girls’ intentions at all. He gets REAL defensive, defending them….saying that they are “good people”. We got in a few fights last week, about this…then it was about how I won’t play that many video games, the girl he is talking to plays a lot of video games. then it was how “lately it feels like a chore to call you.”
I don’t care if my boyfriend has female friends…just that he NEVER told me, and now this girl is all over his facebook. Even comments directed towards ME…she comments. When we were arguing over all of this, he said that I was “driving him to have doubts.” Doubts about us…our future.
I hate arguing as much as the next person…but if I have a suspicion, a question…he should answer it!! He thinks I am invading his life, I really am not. This whole thing goes on forever and ever. I want to work this out, without him being all defensive and for him to understand that to ACKNOWLEDGE that he has a girlfriend to his female friends.
I’m really hurt and he isn’t making my suspicions go away :( If anyone has ANY information, please do not hesitate to send relationship advice. I can go more into detail if you want, this is just an overview I guess.
Thank you so much.
- Sam
This relationship advice is also about:
- a girl likes me but has an ldr (3)
- jealous relationship jokes (2)
- boyfriends facebook activity makes me paranoid (2)
- my boyfriend has female friends he never told me about (1)
- my boyfriend did not defend me to a female friend (1)
- ldr i made him jealous should i talk to him (1)
- ldr argument broke up (1)
- kEep fighting with boyfriend over his female friends (1)
- jealousy is poison in relationship (1)
- 18 year old ldr (1)
April 20, 2010 at 7:29 am -
What if there’s no Facebook? What if you are not on each other’s Facebook? What if there’s no game?
Your bf and you are best friends. Do you think it’s better if you are just best friends? What if you are just best friends?
Apparently your bf is addicted to Facebook, game and play.
It’s hard to give out advice. If you are just best friends, this won’t hurt you; because you care about him, this hurts you.
Remove each other from Facebook temporarily. What do you think?
He wants to play; let him play.
You have your own life. Some day you will find the answer when you don’t think about him too much.
Frankly, sometimes I have such a question on my mind: why do we date? If not, there are fewer relationship problems.
October 13, 2010 at 8:00 pm -
You have a problem. Not YOU. Your problem is HIM. I’ve been around a long time, I’m good about understanding psychology. His answers to you are SO apparent to me. I’ve been through the cheating husband. I’ve been through raising kids! I’ve seen politicians and lawyers use these methods/tactics/excuses/detours. They are the same type of answers used by people in Many, Many situations when they are trying to hide something. He is trying to shift blame, even though you haven’t accused him of anything yet. He is trying to make You feel bad about doubting him. In fact, you will be able to tell his amount of guilt by the answers he gives you…
You: “Who’s Jill?”
Him: “Just a girl in my math class. We hang out sometimes.”
Not much to worry about.
You: “Who’s Jill?”
Him: “No one. Why? Are you examining my Facebook again?”
Hmm. I hear some guilt. He’s trying to make you feel like you are the one doing something wrong. Another tactic here is to aim the conversation in another direction so you get off topic. Something like “Why do you always make a mountain out of a molehill?” hoping the conversation will become You instead of Jill.
You: “Who’s Jill?”
Him: “God. Are you examining my Facebook again? Who’s Bill? Who’s Bob? Do I ask you every time you talk to a guy? No. I TRUST you! Give me a break.”
Whoa. He’s going a little over the deep end in answering an innocent question, isn’t he! Something’s going on that he feels very guilty about. Best thing to do now is say “Wow. That was a strange answer. You’re sounding guilty. Please tell me what’s going on.” His response will be to get mad at you, accuse you of jealousy, and because he feels like he has been found out, he will try to hide. Expect the date or conversation to end abruptly. (And if you’re wise, you won’t ever answer the phone again when he calls.)
You: “Who’s Jill?”
Him: “My God, you are such a jealous person! I don’t know why I put up with it! You’re probably Doing It with guys every weekend when you stay at school!”
OK. Shock Treatment. You’ve got a cheater who feels guilty and is just grasping at anything that will make you back off. (If you stay in a relationship after a response or accusation like this, you are asking for abuse. You will be taken advantage of and lied to all your life. Please have the dignity and courage to walk away. If you respect yourself, others will know that you demand respect.)
(I didn’t read the date that you had this problem! I’m probably way too late. But it is good advice for you for the rest of your life, especially when raising kids!)
Good luck,
Ellen