I went out with a work colleague about a year ago we dated for about a month. At first he said he just wanted us to be friends and I was happy with that. Then he started flirting with me shamelessly and at first I was so confused I didn’t know what to do.
To add to an already confused situation he was leaving the city to go and work in a country town four hours away and he still kept in contact with his ex-girlfriend that he said he thought he still loved. So that really rattled me and I tried to break off the friendship or whatever it really was. He rang me several times and I relented mainly because my sister said I shouldn’t be mean to him and ignore him. I did express my reservations to him and he seemed to understand.
So we continued seeing each other. Then the flirting started again and this time I thought, well maybe he is over his ex-girlfriend so I responded to his flirting and before long I was head over heels in love. I thought I had met my soul mate finally.
Then his ex-girlfriend miraculously decided she wanted him back and wrote him a letter. It was obvious to me he would go back to her. I was so devastated and upset I got angry at him and broke off our friendship. Anyway we eventually decided to stay friends through much effort on my part because I genuinely care for him.
But it was difficult and we had a disagreement and he said he didn’t want to be my friend anymore. After a tearful conversation he agreed that I could contact him after a few months because he needed a break from the drama (and I think he was having problems with his girlfriend again).
Recently I found out he had split from her and his dad said I should let him know I still care (I don’t think his dad likes this woman). So I sent him emails telling him I do care still. I could not ring him as he was overseas for a month. He has not replied to any of my emails and his mother told me he still keeps in contact with the ex-girlfriend and that she wants to get back with him. I am thinking his non-reply is a bad sign but then again that is typical of him always confusing me. I don’t know if he is ignoring me or thinking about it, if he is angry with me what?
I know if he is still in contact with his ex-girlfriend I could not have a friendship with him. I am thinking I should have fought for him in the first place and maybe he thought I wasn’t that interested because I didn’t fight. Should I give up? I am so confused as usual.
- Eliza
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April 16, 2010 at 6:29 pm -
Why do we develop love? Because it’s one of the sources of happiness. So, when the “love” starts to bring you pain, you should calm down and ask yourself whether this is the “love” you want, and what this “love” will bring you.
If the answer is negative, you should further ask yourself whether this person you’re in love with deserves your love.
When he broke up with his ex, he flirted with you in order to help himself get over his ex.
When you “thought” that maybe he was over his ex-girlfriend, you made a huge mistake to develop love for him in the condition that at first he said he just wanted to be friends and that it was also obvious to you he would go back to his ex if she wanted him back.
You eventually decided to stay friends through much effort on your part because you genuinely care for him after you broke off your friendship when his ex wanted him back. Why did you do so?
Now you are trying to figure out what’s on his mind. Why? We can only figure out what’s on our mind and can only make wrong judgement when we try to figure out what’s on the mind of someone else who doesn’t communicate with you.
Even if they split, she still could come back again, because this already happened and you also broke off twice and want to go back.
There are a certain ways you can try. But you should have a clear bottom line.
1. Try the direct method to reach him and have a chance to have a conversation with him to answer all your questions and make the decision;
2. Give him a few months to calm down and think. He needs time to figure out whom he really wants. He’s a human being; to fight and rob doesn’t work;
3. Forget him because he already brought you pain. You should give yourself a second chance to love someone who has no issue with his ex.
Love is what human beings created. We develop love for someone, romanticise him / her on our mind. You have lots of love ahead waiting for you. You still have chance to develop love for someone else.
April 23, 2010 at 8:55 pm -
Hi Min Min,
Thank you for your advice you are a wise person. I did manage to contact him and he wrote me an email saying he didn’t want to hear from me again. He conveniently forgot that he had told me I could call him again (funny that). I think you were right when you said he flirted with me in order to try and get over his ex or even (as I thought) to get her back. He always seems to keep in touch with her when they break up which I find interesting. I think the thing that hurts the most is that he knew I was vulnerable having just finished a relationship with a man who also used me. I guess I never wanted to believe that he would do the same to me because he seemed so nice and genuine. I know I will always care about him but I am not sure that I like him as a person any more. To use someone in such a fashion then disgard them is not a nice thing to do. You are also right when you say give my love to someone who deserves it.
Thanks again Min Min you made me clear about what to do and what was actually happening.
Eliza