How To Save Your Marriage After An Affair

  • The Premise of Saving a Marriage after an Affair

A Shattering Revelation

You never expected to hear the devastating words that your spouse had an affair. A numbness takes over, as your mind tries to fathom this unthinkable news. The words leave you shaken, as you grapple with the reality of an affair. With your mind twirling into a captivating state of thoughts, you wonder if this is the end of your marriage.

As you struggle with the hurt and anger inside you, the realization settles over you, that your spouse had an affair. That it can happen to even you.  As you begin to understand, that it doesn’t mean you have to end your relationship, silently, you shout, “Please God, help save my marriage!”

After an affair, the first priority for you and your spouse, is to rebuild trust. It is learning to understand the situation that brought you to the affair. Saving your marriage, takes patience and healing. And it is only possible, if you still believe in your marriage. Despite the odds, you must be determined to succeed.

When memories flare up, bringing back, the ultimate betrayal that occurred between the two of you, there has to be a resolve to save your marriage. Remember, you have to give yourself enough time to resolve your anger, and to confront the situation with your spouse.

Would a Separation Help?

Some ask, after an affair, “Can a separation save a marriage?” This implies, if an affair can be a good thing.  So, it possible a separation will work.  But, it’s unlikely.  Only half of separations result in couple staying together. It is not a bad idea to think things over and have a cooling off period, during a separation.  But, it’s not a panacea that will resolve the problems between you.

There are risks involved in a separation. Absent, may not make the heart grow fonder. During moments of loneliness, you may be drawn to another, or the spouse who had the affair, decides to continue it. The greatest risk is, the lure of freedom. It can reduce the desire to work on staying committed to each other.

Why Did It Happen?

Reasons that are given for an affair, stems from a couple not spending enough quality time together, to household problems and stresses, to simply being bored with married life.  If you’re looking at your relationship, through honest eyes, all couples have problems that need to be worked out.

Even though the reasons for the affair are understood, there’s never an excuse for it. The result of an affair, can leave lingering emotional hurt that last forever. It will take effort to rebuild the relationship, and a commitment to develop trust again.

Only time can heal the affects of an affair. Simply saying I’m sorry won’t remove  the damage caused by it.  Only time can result in re-establishing a bond between the two of you again, that will overcome the damage the affair caused to the relationship between you.

Blaming Yourself For The Affair

Blaming yourself  is such an easy thing to fall into. Don’t give the person, who had the affair a way out. Of course no one’s perfect. Humans are frail, flawed, imperfect beings. Still, don’t assign blame to yourself, for an affair you didn’t commit.

Working Together To Repair Your Marriage

After you have had enough time to discuss things with your spouse, you must determine if your marriage is worth saving.  By identifying the problems in your relationship, you can decide how best to proceed toward keeping your marriage and rebuilding  what you had together. The two of you must be willing to get your relationship to work for both of you.

Will Counseling Help?

An expert may be needed to help guide you to work toward getting over the pain of the affair. A counselor or someone offering therapy can give support in an environment where the two of you can resolve your issues by working out a recovery plan. A professional will give you the opportunity to talk and discover how to deal with an affair.

Also, having a support system that consist of family and friends is helpful when you need someone to talk to and just listen to you. But, words of caution, friends and family tend to take sides, don’t fall into letting others cast blame, which can result in bitter feelings. If you stay together, you want your decision respected by those closest to you.

No relationship is perfect, because people are not perfect. What makes a marriage work, is, the willingness that you express unconditional love for each other in spite of your imperfections.

Has the Affair Really Ended?

To save your marriage you must assure your spouse that the affair has ended. Honesty leads to transparency, which helps rebuild trust. Cut all ties and communication with the one you had an affair with and tell her or him not to contact you anymore. Affirm your spouse trust in you, by assuring her or him the affair is over.

After overcoming an affair, some couples have a stronger relationship. They become best friends and rediscover a vibrant love for each other, springing from their commitment to the marriage and dedication to each other.

After an Affair – Move On

Listen with your heart, as you ignite your love. It will strengthen your resolve to save what’s most important to you–your marriage.  And when things grow challenging, remind yourself, how much you mean to each other.