Woman Savers

We have been discussing about narcissists for a while. Now I would recommend you to visit a fascinating place called womAnsavers.com. You can search or post cheating or abusive men on the internet's largest database rating men! Would it be helpful if you could talk to a man's ex BEFORE you got involved? Well, for those women who crazily blindly fall in love with a man, this may not be so mighty; however, for those who are looking for advice and come across this message, this probably helps, in that, those women are relatively rational. Over 25,000 men's names were entered by women at womansavers.com! Curious? Then pay a visit. It has a message board where you can find free abuse recovery advice.

Let's have a try. When I clicked on "Abuse Help" in the message board, I got a list of topics and I picked one called "How to heal from abuse?" then I read this real-life story and very sincere responses from real people.

One of the replies is very to the point. It says, herself suffered mentally with a man who verbally, emotionally abused her and there's no way that she could explain her actions to herself, her friends, her children. She wished that he would've been a good guy. The bottom line is that anyone who intentionally hurts a loved one, continuously, isn't a good person. We need to acknowledge that the behavior is destructive, regardless of the label of the abuser. Take back the power; don't allow him to control you. One's life is on oneself, not anyone else.
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Responsible

As I mentioned in checklist that narcissists are probably the most responsible people, just like this dialogue in Happy Pie:
- Who is the most responsible?
- The business person, like me.
Narcissists are the most successful people, not only because they are smart, but also, they are responsible and hard-working. Except for Adolf Hitler and a few other narcissists who made huge mistakes (destructive ones), narcissists are still undeniable good candidates for leaders. Be sure to pick out a productive narcissist.

In my humble opinion, behind or beside some elected non-narcissistic leaders, there is likely a narcissist who is the real "conductor".

My point is, to be too close to a narcissist, especially a destructive narcissist, as a lover, spouse or follower, you need to be a perfect "masochist" and make sure he / she is a productive narcissist who deserves your sacrifice; otherwise, to stay away is wise and the wisest is to "keep him / her at an arm's length", and you will be benefited without torture. Narcissists are the most helpful when they are calm. - the end

Checklist

Of course narcissists also have other traits, but I see them as minor ones; they may help you spot a narcissist, however, they are not vital enough to convince you to stay far away from them.

No one is perfect; we are not sages but humans, and the following mentioned, in my humble opnion, is OK to get along with.

1. a narcissist has fantasies of doing something great or being famous, and often expects to be treated as if these fantasies had already come true. (my note: that's probably why they do succeed finally)

2. a narcissist has very little interest in what other people are thinking or feeling, unless he or she wants something from them. (my note: you also do want something from them, do you?)

3. a narcissist is a name dropper. (my note: not only narcissists are namedroppers)

4. To a narcissist it is very important to live in the right place and associate with the right people. (my note: everyone does)

5. a narcissist takes advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals. (my note: do you not?)

6. a narcissist often feels put upon when asked to take care of his or her responsibilities to family, friends, or work group. (my note: not really; they are probably the most responsible people, but, it's also correct that they don't trust people)

7. a narcissist regularly disregards rules or expects them to be changed because he or she is in some way special. (my note: when it happens, just neglect them)

8. a narcissist becomes irritated when other people don't automatically do what he or she wants them to do, even when they have a good reason for not complying. (my note: this one is somewhat similar to "poor loser" rule, however, if you choose to stay, just comply)

9. a narcissist reviews sports, art, and literature by telling you what he or she would have done instead. (my note: you just need to listen and this may challenge your imagination)

10. a narcissist thinks most criticisms of him or her are motivated by jealousy. (my note: so don't criticise)

11. a narcissist regards anything short of worship to be rejection. (my note: this one is similar to admiration rule)

12. a narcissist suffers from a congenital inability to recognize his or her own mistakes. On the rare occasions that he / she does recognize a mistake, even the slightest error can precipitate a major depression. (my note: if it's a congenital inability then forget it; to prevent them from being depressed and meanwhile keep yourself from being depressed, either you keep distance or are determined to sacrifice yourself)

13. a narcissist often explains why people who are better known than he or she is not really all that great. (my note: storyteller)

14. a narcissist often complains of being mistreated or misunderstood. (my note: he / she might be right; you are not able to fully understand him / her, including his / her congenital inability, untill you read this)

15. People either love or hate the narcissist. (my note: what about you?) - to be continued

Narcissist vs. Guardian

Most people are in some way narcissistic or have the trait, but the "narcissists" we are discussing here are those whose narcissism has been enlarged to the extreme extent that it severely affects people around them.

There's a theory out there that believes that most well-known successful people are narcissists, while I have a different view. In that theory, all those famous people who have different temperaments as defined in Dr. Keirsey's theory, are labeled as narcissists, including Bill Gates and the like, which I can't seem to agree. I may not have the right to say so, in that, I had no chance living in a life close to them to proof it. However, in that theory, it mentions four types of people: narcissist, sensualist, utilitarian and marketing, and they are exactly what Dr. Keirsey describes as guardian, idealist, rational and artisan, in this case, I would say, Bill Gates is not a narcissist, at most, he is a narcissistic rational.

The theory also classifies narcissist as productive and destructive narcissist, therefore, the toughminded guardian is probably the destructive narcissist we are talking about. They are the most successful type of people outside the United States, in that, more people tend to follow them in a non-democratic society. - to be continued

Poor Loser

We all make mistakes, do we? But with a narcissist (I will try to use more "a narcissist" instead of "narcissists", because obviously "one" is way enough), you should never make a mistake. It sounds good in some way, in that, with such a narcissist, you will be or at least towards the most perfect person, however, as a narcissist, he / she will never admit he / she makes mistakes.

It's not that narcissists, they don't make mistakes, on the contrary, they make the same amount of mistakes, or even worse, when they insist on their correctness, they may end up with a wrong decision.

As long as there's a mistake, the narcissist will blame you, but never blame himself / herself, even if the fault is extremely apparent at his / hers.

How will you deal with this? I suggest you never to argue with a narcissist over who is wrong if you do want to be with a him / her, since you will never win and the arguing never helps solve problems. It really doesn't matter who admits who is wrong, because in the narcissist's heart, he / she senses who is wrong (he / she is super smart don't forget). You should be the most broadminded to contain a narcissist if you do want to stay with him / her. Sometimes it's real tough, in that, he / she will keep blaming you till he / she is exhausted; it's better for you to take it as if he / she was actually blaming himself / herself if this helps.

Anyway, it's your decision whether to keep a relationship with a narcissist or not. The above is just my humble suggestion; mostly it's a mental torture to carry on said suggestion. - to be continued

Narcissist 3

Wife

Since narcissists pursue admiration rather than love, the future wife they are chasing is usually the standard virtuous and helpful wife and mom of children. The wife must be beautiful and gentle; she is the one who is taking care of everything for him silently. If it means that she must give up her own career, then she should. Behind every narcissist is a great self-sacrifice woman. She must be perfect and does everything perfectly. This is not the end of the story. Some day the narcissist will meet another narcissist and fall in love with each other. Because there is a gentle woman who is there silently taking care of everything for him, the narcissist can totally enjoy the good time with his new narcissistic lover.

Please read a poem from the ex-wife of a typical narcissist, a.k.a., sadist.

- to be continued

Narcissist 2

Admiration

Narcissists are not only successful in their way; they also need to constantly convince others that they are the best, the smartest, the most talented, and they are never tired of doing so. If it means they must devalue others, then they devalue. It's something they cannot live without. It's also something others can't really stand within. Not to say you are better than or as good as them is not enough, you must tell them they are the best; to tell them they are the best is not enough, they must reenforce they are the much best by teasing you you are not. The way how a narcissist constantly firm his position of being the best can reach a certain extend to cover the tiniest matter. One of my ex-boyfriends used to compare his mother with mine, his sister with my brother, until the brand of his speaker with mine, and even if it's apparent that the two brands are equally famous or actually mine is more famous (I don't really care about this point) It's their helpless self-esteem. My bottom line is not to be hurt; above this line, if you have to cheat to gain success, if you have to say how good you are to firm your position, it's OK, I can smile and think about something else; however, below this line, it's not necessary for me to endure. I will leave you. That's what a narcissist is truly afraid. To be abandonned is the most severe denial of his self-esteem in terms of the excessive admiration he is seeking for. He will do whatever to make up. If it means to be violent, then be violent; if it means to threaten, then threaten. What's your reaction? Be afraid and go back to him? Then you repeat your mistake. When he gets you back, everything will be the same and he must continue his reenforcement at all aspects. Remember, narcissists they don't love they don't need love, they need admiration. They don't care about what you think, as long as you are there, they feel comfortable you still follow them. I feel lucky I finally left that ex-boyfriend. He kept writing to me for a whole year after that and I never read those letters. To hurt his self-esteem is not my interest; to live a life without him is what I want. He may be successful. It has nothing to do with me. I just feel sorry for his present spouse. I can't help her while knowing what kind of life she is living. So what kind of wife a narcissist is looking for? - to be continued

Narcissist

Successful

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is a theory that sums up the life we pursue and the one that will eventually lead to our ultimate happiness. They are:
1. Physiological;
2. Safety;
3. Love/Belonging;
4. Esteem;
5. Self-actualization
The world is colorful and people are different. A person like me sees others' happiness as my own happiness. I like to help people live a happy life. I can't cover all topics in short and rather, I prefer to dig them one by one in great detail. In this way, you walk every step perfectly and then form your entire happy journey gradually.
This blog's purpose is to help perfect your relationship starting from your love/belonging need. Still, I won't begin with relationship as a whole; on the contrary, I would like to start from a very specific type of person to discuss about. They are called "narcissist". It's not important what they are called. It's just a name, a label to differentiate them from other types.
I would not right away define what is "narcissist", but still begin with very readable facts you may exactly encounter and your participation of the discussion will help fulfil our "theory" and help find the best strategy to solve real life relationship problem.
Today I will only make one example and the good one. Not every good one like this is narcissist but most narcissists are good in this same way. It helps you notice you may encounter one before you are attracted to and fall in love.
They are successful. Even if they are too young to be really successful in some way, still, they are more successful than others in same age. Be aware, some real life-long misery starts from blind happiness.
There are many kinds of success. Famous writers, artists, scientists, they are all successful people. The novel, the painting and the invention brought by them are the final production and this may bring them fame. They are happy doing what they like regardless of success and they may feel happier if their creation is recognized.
Narcissists are not into these. They are more into money, however, money is not really their final goal. Their aim is people, world, the fame of being admired by people and then the power to "run" the world. They don't contribute a novel, a painting, an invention; for them, these are tiny. In their heart, they may be jealous of those writers, artists, scientists, nevertheless, surfacely, narcissists try to firm their success by constantly emphasizing that the true success is money, power. They are good at speech convincing people; that's what their charm lies and a charm blinds your eyes. For them, if convincing means to lie, then lie. Others' admiration is what makes them comfortable but not the honesty for some other kinds of people. Some people can't lie simply because to lie makes them feel uncomfortable in their heart. Nonetheless, for narcissists, the final goal is the most important. What do they truly bring you? Any creation, invention that benefit society? People who admire narcissists leaders will do these detail jobs for them. Do we need narcissists leaders? Yes, we do, in some occassions (not all), especially in chaos, however, do we need a narcissistic spouse? Only if you are a narcissist too or if you like to be tortured. - to be continued