Trust

Hi, I need some TRUTHFUL advice.
My girlfriend and I met 18 months ago and since then we have been living together for about a year. She has been married six times and has gotten a divorce every time. I have never been married or been in a truly serious relationship until now. We told each other all the things that two people say when they are passionately in love. We discussed everything in our lives with each other and made plans and decisions for a permanent relationship. I even gave up my job so we could work around hers, since her job was more established and secure. There are many other things that were discussed that I could include in this message but it would be too long.
Now, she wants to give up on this relationship without telling me all the TRUTHFUL reasons why. I expressed to her from the very beginning that her relationship track record was bad and that I was not looking for a serious relationship at the time that I met her, but the fact that we both agreed this relationship was for real and we could commit to it, we decided to RISK it.
My values are the most important thing to me and TRUST is at the very top of the list, which I expressed to her. How can someone be so cruel to fake a relationship, committment, and LOVE? She tells me that she will LOVE me forever, no matter what happens, but why should I believe her. She has already broken my TRUST. It's not the fact she has broken this trust that frustrates, it's the fact that I can't TRUST what she tells me anymore. Am I fighting a loosing battle? I hate to walk away from something that I put so much effort and sacrifice into. She has some serious isssues that she needs to work on, and we have discussed them, but for whatever reason, she wants to end the relationship.
By the way, she has wanted to end the relationship many times before only to change her mind. Not because she wanted to work on herself or the relationship, but because of the reasons that I still don't know. She has also left once only to call me and wanted to get back together. All of these actions are things that I'm analyzing and trying to come to a decision. There is much more that I could include but I'm hoping someone can give me some advice on what I've written. Thanks for all of your help.

- Mike

Happy or Not

Both my partner and me are divorced with two children each. We all get along really well and have the usual relationship up and downs but the other day he kept on asking me, are you sure your happy?
I constantly tell him how happy I am and how much I love him. Why does he doubt my happiness?
Please explain this to me.

- TANJA

Responsible

As I mentioned in checklist that narcissists are probably the most responsible people, just like this dialogue in Happy Pie:
- Who is the most responsible?
- The business person, like me.
Narcissists are the most successful people, not only because they are smart, but also, they are responsible and hard-working. Except for Adolf Hitler and a few other narcissists who made huge mistakes (destructive ones), narcissists are still undeniable good candidates for leaders. Be sure to pick out a productive narcissist.

In my humble opinion, behind or beside some elected non-narcissistic leaders, there is likely a narcissist who is the real "conductor".

My point is, to be too close to a narcissist, especially a destructive narcissist, as a lover, spouse or follower, you need to be a perfect "masochist" and make sure he / she is a productive narcissist who deserves your sacrifice; otherwise, to stay away is wise and the wisest is to "keep him / her at an arm's length", and you will be benefited without torture. Narcissists are the most helpful when they are calm. - the end

Checklist

Of course narcissists also have other traits, but I see them as minor ones; they may help you spot a narcissist, however, they are not vital enough to convince you to stay far away from them.

No one is perfect; we are not sages but humans, and the following mentioned, in my humble opnion, is OK to get along with.

1. a narcissist has fantasies of doing something great or being famous, and often expects to be treated as if these fantasies had already come true. (my note: that's probably why they do succeed finally)

2. a narcissist has very little interest in what other people are thinking or feeling, unless he or she wants something from them. (my note: you also do want something from them, do you?)

3. a narcissist is a name dropper. (my note: not only narcissists are namedroppers)

4. To a narcissist it is very important to live in the right place and associate with the right people. (my note: everyone does)

5. a narcissist takes advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals. (my note: do you not?)

6. a narcissist often feels put upon when asked to take care of his or her responsibilities to family, friends, or work group. (my note: not really; they are probably the most responsible people, but, it's also correct that they don't trust people)

7. a narcissist regularly disregards rules or expects them to be changed because he or she is in some way special. (my note: when it happens, just neglect them)

8. a narcissist becomes irritated when other people don't automatically do what he or she wants them to do, even when they have a good reason for not complying. (my note: this one is somewhat similar to "poor loser" rule, however, if you choose to stay, just comply)

9. a narcissist reviews sports, art, and literature by telling you what he or she would have done instead. (my note: you just need to listen and this may challenge your imagination)

10. a narcissist thinks most criticisms of him or her are motivated by jealousy. (my note: so don't criticise)

11. a narcissist regards anything short of worship to be rejection. (my note: this one is similar to admiration rule)

12. a narcissist suffers from a congenital inability to recognize his or her own mistakes. On the rare occasions that he / she does recognize a mistake, even the slightest error can precipitate a major depression. (my note: if it's a congenital inability then forget it; to prevent them from being depressed and meanwhile keep yourself from being depressed, either you keep distance or are determined to sacrifice yourself)

13. a narcissist often explains why people who are better known than he or she is not really all that great. (my note: storyteller)

14. a narcissist often complains of being mistreated or misunderstood. (my note: he / she might be right; you are not able to fully understand him / her, including his / her congenital inability, untill you read this)

15. People either love or hate the narcissist. (my note: what about you?) - to be continued

Narcissist vs. Guardian

Most people are in some way narcissistic or have the trait, but the "narcissists" we are discussing here are those whose narcissism has been enlarged to the extreme extent that it severely affects people around them.

There's a theory out there that believes that most well-known successful people are narcissists, while I have a different view. In that theory, all those famous people who have different temperaments as defined in Dr. Keirsey's theory, are labeled as narcissists, including Bill Gates and the like, which I can't seem to agree. I may not have the right to say so, in that, I had no chance living in a life close to them to proof it. However, in that theory, it mentions four types of people: narcissist, sensualist, utilitarian and marketing, and they are exactly what Dr. Keirsey describes as guardian, idealist, rational and artisan, in this case, I would say, Bill Gates is not a narcissist, at most, he is a narcissistic rational.

The theory also classifies narcissist as productive and destructive narcissist, therefore, the toughminded guardian is probably the destructive narcissist we are talking about. They are the most successful type of people outside the United States, in that, more people tend to follow them in a non-democratic society. - to be continued

Poor Loser

We all make mistakes, do we? But with a narcissist (I will try to use more "a narcissist" instead of "narcissists", because obviously "one" is way enough), you should never make a mistake. It sounds good in some way, in that, with such a narcissist, you will be or at least towards the most perfect person, however, as a narcissist, he / she will never admit he / she makes mistakes.

It's not that narcissists, they don't make mistakes, on the contrary, they make the same amount of mistakes, or even worse, when they insist on their correctness, they may end up with a wrong decision.

As long as there's a mistake, the narcissist will blame you, but never blame himself / herself, even if the fault is extremely apparent at his / hers.

How will you deal with this? I suggest you never to argue with a narcissist over who is wrong if you do want to be with a him / her, since you will never win and the arguing never helps solve problems. It really doesn't matter who admits who is wrong, because in the narcissist's heart, he / she senses who is wrong (he / she is super smart don't forget). You should be the most broadminded to contain a narcissist if you do want to stay with him / her. Sometimes it's real tough, in that, he / she will keep blaming you till he / she is exhausted; it's better for you to take it as if he / she was actually blaming himself / herself if this helps.

Anyway, it's your decision whether to keep a relationship with a narcissist or not. The above is just my humble suggestion; mostly it's a mental torture to carry on said suggestion. - to be continued

Narcissist 3

Wife

Since narcissists pursue admiration rather than love, the future wife they are chasing is usually the standard virtuous and helpful wife and mom of children. The wife must be beautiful and gentle; she is the one who is taking care of everything for him silently. If it means that she must give up her own career, then she should. Behind every narcissist is a great self-sacrifice woman. She must be perfect and does everything perfectly. This is not the end of the story. Some day the narcissist will meet another narcissist and fall in love with each other. Because there is a gentle woman who is there silently taking care of everything for him, the narcissist can totally enjoy the good time with his new narcissistic lover.

Please read a poem from the ex-wife of a typical narcissist, a.k.a., sadist.

- to be continued

Narcissist 2

Admiration

Narcissists are not only successful in their way; they also need to constantly convince others that they are the best, the smartest, the most talented, and they are never tired of doing so. If it means they must devalue others, then they devalue. It's something they cannot live without. It's also something others can't really stand within. Not to say you are better than or as good as them is not enough, you must tell them they are the best; to tell them they are the best is not enough, they must reenforce they are the much best by teasing you you are not. The way how a narcissist constantly firm his position of being the best can reach a certain extend to cover the tiniest matter. One of my ex-boyfriends used to compare his mother with mine, his sister with my brother, until the brand of his speaker with mine, and even if it's apparent that the two brands are equally famous or actually mine is more famous (I don't really care about this point) It's their helpless self-esteem. My bottom line is not to be hurt; above this line, if you have to cheat to gain success, if you have to say how good you are to firm your position, it's OK, I can smile and think about something else; however, below this line, it's not necessary for me to endure. I will leave you. That's what a narcissist is truly afraid. To be abandonned is the most severe denial of his self-esteem in terms of the excessive admiration he is seeking for. He will do whatever to make up. If it means to be violent, then be violent; if it means to threaten, then threaten. What's your reaction? Be afraid and go back to him? Then you repeat your mistake. When he gets you back, everything will be the same and he must continue his reenforcement at all aspects. Remember, narcissists they don't love they don't need love, they need admiration. They don't care about what you think, as long as you are there, they feel comfortable you still follow them. I feel lucky I finally left that ex-boyfriend. He kept writing to me for a whole year after that and I never read those letters. To hurt his self-esteem is not my interest; to live a life without him is what I want. He may be successful. It has nothing to do with me. I just feel sorry for his present spouse. I can't help her while knowing what kind of life she is living. So what kind of wife a narcissist is looking for? - to be continued

Narcissist

Successful

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is a theory that sums up the life we pursue and the one that will eventually lead to our ultimate happiness. They are:
1. Physiological;
2. Safety;
3. Love/Belonging;
4. Esteem;
5. Self-actualization
The world is colorful and people are different. A person like me sees others' happiness as my own happiness. I like to help people live a happy life. I can't cover all topics in short and rather, I prefer to dig them one by one in great detail. In this way, you walk every step perfectly and then form your entire happy journey gradually.
This blog's purpose is to help perfect your relationship starting from your love/belonging need. Still, I won't begin with relationship as a whole; on the contrary, I would like to start from a very specific type of person to discuss about. They are called "narcissist". It's not important what they are called. It's just a name, a label to differentiate them from other types.
I would not right away define what is "narcissist", but still begin with very readable facts you may exactly encounter and your participation of the discussion will help fulfil our "theory" and help find the best strategy to solve real life relationship problem.
Today I will only make one example and the good one. Not every good one like this is narcissist but most narcissists are good in this same way. It helps you notice you may encounter one before you are attracted to and fall in love.
They are successful. Even if they are too young to be really successful in some way, still, they are more successful than others in same age. Be aware, some real life-long misery starts from blind happiness.
There are many kinds of success. Famous writers, artists, scientists, they are all successful people. The novel, the painting and the invention brought by them are the final production and this may bring them fame. They are happy doing what they like regardless of success and they may feel happier if their creation is recognized.
Narcissists are not into these. They are more into money, however, money is not really their final goal. Their aim is people, world, the fame of being admired by people and then the power to "run" the world. They don't contribute a novel, a painting, an invention; for them, these are tiny. In their heart, they may be jealous of those writers, artists, scientists, nevertheless, surfacely, narcissists try to firm their success by constantly emphasizing that the true success is money, power. They are good at speech convincing people; that's what their charm lies and a charm blinds your eyes. For them, if convincing means to lie, then lie. Others' admiration is what makes them comfortable but not the honesty for some other kinds of people. Some people can't lie simply because to lie makes them feel uncomfortable in their heart. Nonetheless, for narcissists, the final goal is the most important. What do they truly bring you? Any creation, invention that benefit society? People who admire narcissists leaders will do these detail jobs for them. Do we need narcissists leaders? Yes, we do, in some occassions (not all), especially in chaos, however, do we need a narcissistic spouse? Only if you are a narcissist too or if you like to be tortured. - to be continued

Second Chance

Hi, My name is Adam. I need some advice. Recently my girlfriend broke up with me after 4.5 Years of seeing each other. She broke up with me because she held all her emotions in to herself and didn't say a word to me about what was wrong, until breaking point. When she did finally come to me it was too late she wanted to break up and did not even give me a chance to help solve the issues we were having and to try to fix our relationship. Tell me this how do I know when theres something wrong, when every thing seems o.k? Do you guys believe I deserve a second chance?

- Adam

Better Couple

10 steps to enjoying each other better...
1. Be realistic about each other. Don't try to turn ur partner into something he or she is not. Let's face it, guys-there's only 1 Pamela Anderson in the world, and even she has had her implants removed! Give ur gal a break and understand that her physical appearance is NOT going to change overnite with the help of a few facials or treatments. And ladies, Brad Pitt has already been taken, so u're gonna have to do with what ur guy is like! Chill out, love each other for what u are. There is more to ur partner than what meets the eye.
2. Always talk things out. Now guys, I know this is not ur fave pastime or mode of resolving issues, but u know what? This works with the gals. Don't make assumptions about each other's feelings. Learn to xpress urself better so that ur partner undrstands what u're angry about, or hurt about, or even happy about! When u stop talking to each other from the heart, it's the beginning of the end.
3. Do stuff together. Make an effort to do things together. Do some sports or involve urselves in some shared activities; something both of u enjoy or are interested in. It could be as simple as watching movies together, or just strolling hand-in-hand down Orchard Road. Watch soccor with him once in a while though the green patch on TV puts u to sleep in 3 seconds. And guys, do give in if ur gal asks for another day at window-shopping, rather than suggest that she go out with her girlfriends for "that sort of activities" instead. If u're spending more time with ur friends rather than with ur partner, it's a warning sign that u're drifting apart!!!
4. Meet each other halfway. If he agrees to throw out that rotten T-shirt with the "The_Rock" print, u shouldn't kick up much of a fuss if he asks u to keep ur room tidy. There's gotta be a little giving and taking in a relationship, so learn to meet each other halfway.
5.Show ur love Buy her flowers or candy or perfume every now and then, even if u have been together for 5 years. It's wonderful to continue showing someone that u care for him or her. Cook him a special meal, paint him a Valentine's Day card. Knit him mini-socks he can't wear ( like for decoration purposes ), buy him a packet of milk for breakfast, or pack his wardrobe for him...so he knows u can still be romantic and loving despite having been together for quite a while.
6. Respect each other. Stop making jokes about her hair or skin, or whatever it is u love to laugh at. Ask urself if she thinks if its funny. And if he has an inferiority complex about his height, stop ogling at tall guys and make him feel worse! Love is about respecting each other's feelings and being sensitive to each other at all times.
7. Bury the past. Stop bringing up the past. Gals..don't bring up the happy things about u and ur ex to ur guy, it would jus make him jealous or unhappy. And guys, don't talk about the happy times that u had with ur ex or mention about her in ur every other sentence as it would make ur gal feel un-happy and she might think that u saying all this b'cos u are gonna get back with ur ex or not interested in her anymore.
8. Sit on ur jealousy. All of us go thru' spells of insecurity at the beginning of the relationship, but don't translate that insecurity into jealousy. If u're gonna go through ur partner's mail and cupboard, and eavesdropping on conversations, u know something is wrong - with u!!! Jealousy is like a poison that slowly spreads thru' the relationship before finally killing it. Trust ur partner; love has to have trust in it.
9. Keep ur commitments to each other. If ur partner is standing u up all the time and cancelling dates and breaking promises, u need to talk! If u're in a relationship, make ur partner ur priority and don't disappoint them if u can help it. It's really terrible when someone promises to take u to dinner, and then calls to cancel it. Don't make promises u can't keep. If ur partner starts to feel that he/she is not important enough to u, u may jus lose him/her.
10. Be honest. Honesty is not scowling at how awful she looks first thing in the morning, or telling him that he has the biceps of a fly ! When we say "be honest", we mean expressing ur feelings clearly, not being bitingly cruel. When u're hurt, say so, and when u're angry, tell him/her, w/o getting hysterical. If u can't be honest with ur partner, who can u be honest with? æ Love is also about honesty, and a relationship where no honesty exists probably isn't worth it!

- Unknown

Please understand me

Do you believe that a book can change your life? I do and it does. It's called "Please understand me" and it has two versions. The version I read is the 2nd version.

Is this change good? I can't tell. I agree when you gain something you usually lose something else and the same, when you lose something you gain something else. It all depends on the importance of what you gain or on how you view what you gain. Do you appreciate and cherish it?

I was in my deep depression finishing a precious friendship with a like-minded male friend. It was a kind of perfect friendship journey once in one's life. It's finished because we were too young or because I didn't read the book.

Sometimes when you are sad about finishing a relationship with your ex-lover or the like, it's not because you are still in love with him/her, rather, because you don't understand how and why this ends. You always think you can learn from your previous failures when you know the reasons and then you can move on to the next one, however, it doesn't definitely work the next time, simply because the next relationship is different, the next person is different. You don't understand who he/she is from your point of view.

The good point for me to know these differences revealed by this book is that I understand others better although I'm not changed and neither is the other person; It helps get along with others better. However, the other point is when I understand others better but the others still don't I become even more lonely.

Well, I admit that each individual has his/her path, destiny. I see what I gain and appreciate it and I agree that real life itself is imperfect, therefore, I'm contented with my loneliness and at least, with the perfection stays in my memories. The amount of friends other people have around or amount of family members other people have around are their victories but just like Canada's tranquility, without such quantities, I'm cotented with what I have and they are my fortune, my treasure.

So here comes this book. It has a Character Sorter. When you try the shortcut and do the Sorter usually you can't get an accurate image of yourself because you don't truly understand the questions and answers and perhaps you don't even know yourself! You won't really know yourself till you thoroughly read this book in great detail.

The following is the brief of the book. If you want to save a vital relationship from failure or if you want to grow and keep a successful relationship when it just starts it's very helpful for you or even your partner both to read this book; especially when you have question marks why some of your previous relationships end similarly, it's fairly important for you to understand who they are, why they attract you and why it still ends finally.

The main idea of the author's view is that people are different! You can't say that they are odd just because of the differences and if so, then you are odd too! People deserve to be respected for what they are. It's a good start if you know who you are and know your image in others' eyes. You can't change yourself, however, at least you know your weaknesses and you know how to hold others the least harmful by keeping the best distance with others. "Harm" can be anything mentally that makes others feel uncomfortable or sad.

Then the next step for you is to understand others, understand who they are, understand the differences, understand why some people have a kind of excessive cleanliness while you are proud of your spontaneousness without knowing that some of your small surprises of uninvited visits make these reserved people uncomfortable rather than romantic; you will understand why some people are so sweet while some others sound cold and you happen to fall in love with the latter then you are going starving for a bit more sweetness from your partner. You will understand that love can't be measured by sweetness; the hidden sweetness is probably the deepest. Your partner can also feel uncomfortable of your excessive sweetness - too feminine in some people's eyes...

I am an artistic idealist influenced by guardian and rational. I know that meal is important than other idealists do. The author Dr. Keirsey said, "No matter what kind of persons Idealists marry, however, it is not too much to say that they are the best of all the temperaments at creating successful and fulfilling marriages. Their sensitivity, their spirit of cooperation, their ability to communicate their feelings, their passion for their mates, and their desire for deep bonding, their personal warmth and enthusiasm – all these traits work their magic in the Idealists' relationships." This is true that the one who mates with idealist is happy, however, on the other hand, idealist becomes the one who has to put up with all the harm passively. That resulted in my depression and sadness. That's also how and why I learned from rational how to be rational. That's why I cherish health and happiness over the rest.

- Min Min