Dating now? How to build connection over distance

 

The current guidance on not meeting in person creates a big dating challenge: how am I meant to get to know someone I can’t meet? On the surface, it could seem impossible to get to know someone well. But…Praise God! There is no reason to stop dating – in fact it’s a great time to start!

Imagine dating from the comfort of your own home without the awkwardness of deciding whether to shake hands or hug, wondering who is going to pay and absolutely no risk of an embarrassing moment when one person goes in for a goodbye hug and the other doesn’t! We’re privileged these days not to be confined to one way of communication – the first generation to have technology at our fingertips, and it’s simple to start making the most of it, even in difficult times.

Just think of the advantages! There’s no waiting for someone to arrive or being unsure if they look like their picture and the advantage of being in a safe, comfortable environment too, hopefully with less background noise.

When I first met the man who is now my husband on Christian Connection, our dating relationship was predominantly on FaceTime and WhatsApp, so I can empathise. I know just what it’s like to get to know someone but not physically being able to see them – welcome to my life! But believe me, it can work – I hope I can encourage you with a few tips to help.

Start talking

One of best things we did was to get ‘offline’ as soon as possible and start actually talking. Once we’d found out enough about each other to feel safe to exchange details and start to connect off the site, a conversation soon followed. It’s amazing what you can cover with a phone call, scary though it sometimes is to jump into talking. If you’re too nervous for that as the next step, you could text first and build some rapport. Text conversations can cover a lot of ground, but maybe proof-read before you send as some comments including humour and irony can be taken out of context.

Act with integrity

Don’t play games. It can be tempting to try and second guess someone’s motives and react: ‘he hasn’t texted me back so I can’t send a text’. Going down this road will only mess with your head and create confusion – if the person in question is worth his or her salt, they will want to reply to you and find out about you. It should be easy. If they’re not up front and available for you, then perhaps they’re not the one for you.

‘Meet’ when you can

If physical meetings can’t happen, remember the wonders of video calling. There are so many options, and having a face to face conversation (albeit on a screen) is really important. You could even do a virtual quiz on YouTube together to help with any awkwardness (there’s a helpful list of virtual date ideas on the Christian Connection blog here). There are also plenty of online Bible studies and church services you could join together, if you’d prefer to mix in a group scenario initially, and it’s a good way of getting to know the other person spiritually.

Be practical and prepared

If you’re doing a video call, make sure you have a tidy space around you – you can tell a lot about a person from their surroundings, so make sure it’s how you want to be perceived! Try to make sure you have a strong connection so you don’t have the awkwardness of the WiFi dropping out or a freeze frame in an embarrassing facial position! Try to also make sure that there’s a lack of background noise – it means then you can focus on each other and give each other the respect and time to get to know each other.

God can turn situations round for good – so try and see the positives during this time. There is no reason to let Coronavirus stop you dating, instead be safe, proactive and enjoy the different experience!

How to date optimistically | Christian Connection Blog

 

Dating can be tricky at the best of times. We may struggle to meet compatible people or fledgling relationships may fail again and again, leaving us back at square one. Add in huge challenges such as the coronavirus, which has led to social distancing in many parts of the world, and we might be tempted to throw in the towel. So how do we hold on to hope?

Let’s remind ourselves first why it’s important to date with an optimistic mindset.

I remember the times when I wanted to give up dating altogether. The men I messaged online didn’t get back to me and, although I tried to be open to people who weren’t my usual type, the guys who got in touch with me weren’t suitable.

Apathy set in.

Why bother? What was the point?

My pessimistic mood was a slippery slope. I paid my fees for dating sites but rarely contacted anyone online and my profile sat languishing for months, no tweaks, no updates, no new pictures.

Looking back, I see that I was sabotaging my search for love.

I was dating with a fixed mindset, taking every knock-back as a confirmation of an unhealthy core belief that I’d carried around for years – that I would never meet anyone; that there was nobody out there for me. Instead, I needed to date with a growth mindset. This would enable me to see every interaction, date or relationship as a learning experience – a stepping stone that would lead me eventually to my husband.

Plus there was something deeper going on. I realise now that for many years, I didn’t actually want my online search for love to be fruitful because I was afraid of intimacy and commitment – afraid of risking my heart in case I got hurt. It was convenient to keep telling myself the story that I wouldn’t meet anyone online.

Check your mindset

To prevent falling into the same trap, check your mindset before you log on to your dating site or go on a date, virtual or otherwise. Are you feeling energetic and upbeat? Do you have a growth mindset? Are you ready for a new learning experience? Are you ready to have fun? Are you feeling interested in and curious about another person? Are you open to new opportunities?

On a deeper level, is your heart open? Are you open to intimacy, to commitment and to love?

It’s also important to check your expectations. When we put pressure on a first, second or third date by expecting it to turn into a marriage, we can come across as anxious and panicky on our dates. As I say to my coaching clients, at this early stage of the dating journey, we are simply gathering information. We keep things as light as possible and resist having conversations that are too deep or intense, as this can create a false sense of intimacy.

If you’re only able to date virtually right now, check out some of the virtual dating ideas in recent Christian Connection blogs – you can have fun with a dinner date, a book discussion, a movie night, a games night or a virtual walk together.

Trust in the timing

You’ll be able to keep your dates light, enjoyable and free from pressure if you’re able to trust in God’s timing, rather than trying to control outcomes to fit your own schedule.

I know from experience that this is easier said than done.

You may want a family and feel like you’re running out of time. You may feel impatient because you’ve been dating a number of years without success. You may worry that all the suitable people will be taken or that men or women will deem you to be too old.

But panic dating isn’t healthy and rarely leads to successful relationships. I know this because I’ve tried it. Potential partners may pick up on our panic and decide to walk away. We might put pressure on people to commit before they’re ready, causing the relationship to break. I’ve done this too.

If you feel that you’re panic dating or feeling a lot of pressure to make things happen quickly, pause for a moment and allow yourself to connect with your feelings. Beneath the anxiety and worry, you might connect with loneliness, grief, regret, sadness or fear.

Make space for these feelings – we have to feel them to process them and heal them. And then, when you’ve felt your feelings and done some healing, make an effort to bring more joy into your life, through social activities with friends, through hobbies, creative pursuits and so forth (as best as possible, of course, if you are restricted by social distancing).

Once you’re feeling joyful and lighter inside, reach out to potential dates again online. Who would you like to chat to? What would you like to find out about that person? What fun activities could you plan together?

Keep it light. Keep it enjoyable. And trust, as much as you can, that your romantic life will work out in the way it’s supposed to and that the timing is spot on.

How To Have A Civil Break Up

How you do it matters, especially if you want to leave the relationship on good terms?

Why do some couples call it quits, and how can you break up amicably? In a new study, Superdrug Online Doctor surveyed 1,000 individuals about what caused them to end their relationships, exploring the thoughts and feelings that commonly precipitate breakups. Here are some of the results. 

Before the Breakup

There are many reasons couples might not work out. But, according to the study, 31% said mismatched aspirations had caused them to break up – the highest percentage of all of the reasons analyzed. Other popular reasons included falling out of love (29%), a lack of communication (27%), and feeling their partner took them for granted or that there was a lack of trust (22% each).

On average, women waited longer than men to broach the subject of breaking up once they decided to end things.

But do people know they are going to be broken up with before it happens? The survey shows that 1 in 3 people who were dumped said the breakup came as a surprise. Once respondents noticed a lack of communication, less time spent together, and a feeling of something being wrong, they knew there was reason to be concerned. 

But 11% of respondents broke up with someone because the sex was bad, and 10% of those surveyed ended the relationship because of mismatched sex drives. More than 1 in 4 people noticed less-frequent sex before being broken up with.

However, almost half (47%) of couples who don’t live together did not stop having sex before breaking up.

How to Avoid a Messy Breakup

There are many ways to end a relationship, but what are the best ways to avoid a messy breakup? Almost 3 in 5 respondents said they had a clean break up when they respected the other person. In the messiest breakups, people tried to create distance before the end. 

Additionally, people were more likely to have an amicable breakup if told in person. Of the people who took this route, 80% had a clean breakup, compared to only 66% who reported breaking up on bad terms. The worst way to break up with someone, according to the study, was to do it through a text message. 

While most relationships end, taking some of these statistics into account could help avoid greater heartbreak later on

BREAKUP TECHNIQUES: FROM MESSY TO MATURE

No one approaches breakup conversations with high expectations: No matter how well you communicate, feelings are bound to get hurt. Still, our findings suggested that some tactics and choices could help the process of splitting up go as smoothly as possible.

Respondents who said their breakups were “clean” were far more likely to have remained respectful to their partner and kept their composure during the difficult conversation. Of course, these behaviours are easier said than done: Once accusations start flying, it’s tough to keep your cool.

People who experienced clean breakups were also much more likely to be clear about why they were ending things and to avoid creating false hope.

Experts agree that being honest and firm is actually the kindest way to end things. While some may be tempted to soften the blow, lack of clarity will only lead to more hurt.

Another important breakup conversation takeaway: The medium matters just as much as the message. While most breakups happened in person, 23% of messy ones took place over text message.

Unfortunately, texting after a breakup can be even more cowardly, keeping someone emotionally engaged after parting ways. However they unfold, though, our findings showed that messy breakups have lasting ramifications, making it much harder to move on.

via GIPHY

Free e-book : The 9 Types Of Women That Make Men Run!

Book 5

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Making connections: 6 socially distanced date ideas

 

If you’ve been waving and messaging on Christian Connection you might soon be looking for some virtual date ideas. With the right technology, there’s something to suit everyone, providing plenty of opportunities to build deeper connections, get to know each other and have some fun. Video platforms make it possible to see each other while chatting, and there’s been a big increase in more structured activities too, from interactive games to couples book clubs, bible studies and live online events.  For those who’ve had long-distance relationships, video calling and distance dating will be familiar territory. But for those who haven’t – and for long-distance daters who need some inspiration – here are some ideas that’ll get you started.

Two-player games

Time at home is often a dream for gamers – and if you haven’t had the chance before, now could be the perfect time to give gaming a try. If you have a headset you can play and chat at the same time, making it less intense than a ‘face to face’ video call date. There’s a two-player game style and genre for everyone – choose from sports, retro arcade, puzzles, strategy, role-play and more. How competitive you get is up to you!

Quiz nights

Keen on showing off your general knowledge or impressing a date with your in-depth insight into ’90s pop music or football stats? In the throes of COVID-19 local events are going virtual, and that includes quiz nights. Sign up for one in your area or search by subject and join a team together. It’s also a great way to find out what your date’s areas of interest and knowledge are, and engage in some healthy debate.  You can also check out Christian Connection’s virtual events and suggestions for online meetups here.

Book club

Whether you’re revisiting an old favourite or starting something new, books are a great source of entertainment, distraction and comfort in lockdown or isolation. Instead of shutting yourself away, you could make your reading even more sociable by doing it as a pair – and chat about what you both learn, find entertaining or are moved by. It does require a degree of commitment, making it perfect for couples who’ve just started seeing each other and are seeking to build common ground.

Dinner date

Just because you’re not meeting in person, doesn’t mean you can’t eat together. Just get creative over a video call. Set a time, set the table and decide on the type of food you’ll be eating. It could be take-out or home-cooked, as long as you can arrange it to be ready for the same time in your respective homes. You could have a relaxed brunch, a leisurely lunch or a long dinner. Don’t forget about atmosphere – maybe light a candle if it’s evening, have something nice to drink and dress as you would if you were out and about. If you have a housemate or live with family members, you can ask them to be your waiter for the evening – or ask for a little privacy!

Drawing

If you haven’t picked up a paintbrush since school, you might be thinking it’s too late to get creative. Think again! Lots of people are turning to drawing and painting just now, as a therapeutic and relaxing activity. Did you know you can digitise your creativity via online drawing sites? Well-known artist David Hockney has been using his tablet to create striking spring landscapes, and while that might be a bit ambitious, you can start with a doodle and build up to something more detailed. Find online art sites that allow you to share your work with your date and even add to the same picture. It’s also a very calming, mindful activity ideal for easing any anxiety you may have.

Praying and spiritual practices

Attending church or a homegroup in person may not be possible for a while, but that doesn’t mean you should neglect your spiritual life. Instead, why not make a date for some prayer and bible reading? If you don’t have access to video calling, you can still pray for one another on the phone, follow a reading plan or do a Bible study together. This will be invaluable as the weeks progress, and with lots of services available online, you can still attend virtual church together.

These ideas can be applied to many different dating scenarios, not just the current situation. Whether you’re socially distancing, long-distance dating, have caring responsibilities that keep you at home, travel for work a lot, or have a chronic illness, the virtual world gives access to all sorts of possibilities. So rather than focusing on what you can’t do right now, focus on what you can. And who knows what new doors might open in the process – as well as the new skills you might pick up!

Next: Learn how to set up a virtual date.

Love, Virtually: Making Connections From A Distance

 

Now we’re all staying at home and avoiding contact with anyone outside our households (I hope!), where does that leave us when it comes to dating and relationships? First dates are notoriously awkward, but at least if you’re in a pub or café, or doing an activity together, you can make small talk about your surroundings or what’s happening around you. Not so easy in a video call! Interacting through a screen may help you discover if there’s a spark, but it’s harder to really connect when we’re communicating from our individual bubbles. So, how can you get more from your virtual dates?

Without the usual distractions, chatting by video call is an golden opportunity to take the conversation a little deeper, and start to discover whether your date’s interests and values align with your own. Keep the chat flowing by asking questions (write a list if you’re worried you’ll dry up). Consider things like… Why did your date choose their career, what do they like about it, and what are the challenges? What’s the story of their Christian journey? Who are the most important people in their life? What are their passions and interests? What kind of church do they go to, how does it help them grow, and how do they serve? What feeds their spirit and brings them joy? Take time before each date to consider what you know so far, and what you want to delve into further. You could even make a “20 questions” game out of it.

If you’ve been on several virtual (or real-life) dates with someone before meeting became impossible, or you’re already in the early stages of a relationship, no doubt you’re frustrated that you can’t meet in person. It feels unnatural not to be able to interact physically (no, not like that!) but you can still continue exploring what makes each other tick. In fact, enforced separation can actually help you get to know each other on a more profound level, as you have no choice but to engage in deeper conversation.

However, don’t forget the little things, as these are what strengthen the connection in a long-term relationship. Ask how their day went, especially if they were facing a challenge such as a tricky work call. How are they coping with living and working in lockdown? Observe their changing moods – when they’re happy, or are feeling low and need a boost. Get to know their daily habits. This is also a time when you might start to bond spiritually. Some people like to pray together by phone or video call. If your church is livestreaming services, you could “invite” each other to church.

A note of caution, however: it’s best not to get carried away and assume too much at this stage. When you’re lacking company and things to fill your time, it’s easy to over-invest in a virtual relationship, which may not survive when normal life resumes. Make sure you have lots of contact with friends and family too, and other outlets for your energy and emotions. And always consider how well you really know and trust someone before sharing personal information.

But if you hit it off, this could be the perfect time to grow a future relationship. Remember, many married couples are apart for long periods of time for work or military service. They report that frequent contact, staying involved in each other’s lives, and supporting each other emotionally is what sustains their bond. If they can do it, so can we! And when this pandemic subsides, we can meet in person, in the knowledge that we know and understand each other on a deeper level than before.

Are You Ready To Date Again?

Maybe you’ve gotten over the ex or you’re ready to test the waters and date again, then you want to watch this video because in this video.

Are you dating for the right reasons and from the right mindset so that you can actually get the progress in your love life that you want.

DATING AGAIN – Are you ready to date again? Being single , relationship + breakup advice.

Just because we have a desire to meet someone and to date doesn’t necessarily mean that we should. A lot of the times we act on our feelings without first assessing where is this feeling coming from?

Is it healthy and is it something that I should actually be doing this action for? And so what I see is people go, “Oh, I want a date, so I’m going to put myself back out there.”

And then if they don’t ask themselves these questions or do what I’m about to tell you to do, they find themselves basically hating the process, getting hurt, falling for the wrong person or being exhausted by the whole process.

So let’s first make sure that you’re ready to date and what you need to do with these five things.

The first one is this, dating mindset.

Now, if you’ve watched any of my trainings or if you’ve worked with me, you’ll know that I talk about your dating mindset, because your mindset is basically where you make your decisions from and our decisions result in who we engage with and what we do with that person.

Because there’s only two reasons why we suck in love and that is we’re either doing the wrong thing or we’re dating the wrong person.

And if you’re just throwing yourself out there, you’re just like, “I want to date. I’m just going to go date,” And you don’t have any intention, you don’t have any purpose, you don’t have any strategy and you’re doing it from a place of fear.

Whether it’s fear of missing out on love or fear that you’re never going to get over the ex or fear that you’re not going to have children or fear that you’re going to die alone with 52 cats, then you will attract feedback or you will attract the result that will solidify that fear.

And that’s something that’s actually called self-prophesying-where we become so focused on this terror that hasn’t even happened. This fear that we then go and act out of that fear and then we make it a reality.

And again, it solidifies that conviction that all men are like that and that’s how love is and love hurts. And it just becomes this really sort of toxic cycle.

 So what I would do is I do a little bit of a self-audit and I’d ask yourself:

  • Why do I want a date and what I want to get out of this dating process.
  • Am I dating just because I want a casual fling?
  • Am I dating to find love?
  • Am I dating because I’m bored?
  • What are your intentions behind it? 

Okay, the next thing to do is take it slow.

Throwing yourself into the deep end isn’t really going to do you any justice. It’s just going to make you freak out.

And if you go to an extreme, you’re always going to get an extreme reaction.

If you just go all into your next relationship when you know that you’re probably not ready and you love-bomb that person or you move too fast and too soon.

So what I would do is I would just test the waters a little bit. Definitely there’ll be some clear indications if you’re not ready to date.

One of those clear indications will be comparison.

Are you constantly comparing your ex to the person that you’re dating?

Are you finding that at the end of the day you go back home and all you think about is your ex and then you’re over-romanticizing what you had with them even though it obviously ended for a reason. So comparison’s a big one.

The second one is fear and anxiety.

Do you have fear about dating? Do you have anxiety when it comes to going on dates? Now we all get a little bit nervous and if we’re putting ourselves out there for the first time in a long time, then of course you have a little bit of anxiety.

But if you are literally paralyzed about the thought of meeting someone else or the thought of falling in love or the thought of getting hurt or the thought of dating, then you probably need to do a little bit more healing before you actually go out there and date.

Because you have to remember it’s not just about you. You’re also affecting the person that you are dating and you don’t want to go around hurting other people because you’re hurting yourself.

Another thing is ghosting.

If you’re ghosting your dates or benching your dates as in kind of putting little investment in but not really a lot because you’re too scared, then you probably shouldn’t be dating.

Any sort of behavior that is not in align with the healthy behavior that needs to happen to progress a date is an indication that you shouldn’t be dating.

And another way to test the waters is low investment.

If you are finding that you’re going on dates but you’re just not making the effort and you’re kind of just going, but you’ve got low energy, you’re not really engaging.

And low investment is an indication that you’re not really in it for the right reasons and it’s obviously being reflected through your actions.

via GIPHY

Okay, point number three, get clear on the why.

As I was saying at the beginning of this video, why do you want to date? Do you want to date because you are trying to move on from the ex and you think that if you date somebody else you will eventually just forget about him?

Are you dating because everyone else is doing it or because you can because you’ve got access to dating apps?

The clearer that you can get on the why the more then you will know your intention. It’ll help you work out, “Okay, am I doing this for the right reasons or do I actually need to take a rain check for a little bit longer?”

Okay. Number four, really important. Make sure that you’re dating to enhance, not heal.

Closure is something that I believe happens in stages. Closure needs to be based on facts, not feelings. If a relationship ends, obviously it ended for a reason and waiting till you feel like you’re in a certain position is not a reason to hold out on closure.

Closure needs to be a choice. But I also believe that healing and full closure is something that will happen in stages.

It’s normal to still be thinking about an ex if they’re a big part of your life and sometimes meeting a new person really can help you get over that ex because you can realize that, “Hang on a second. There’s someone else that makes me feel this way.”

There’s someone else that I can love or have the possibility of loving and have them love me back.”

But if you’re purely dating to just try and get over someone rather than dating to enhance someone else’s life and have them enhance your life, that’s a different story.

You shouldn’t be dating just for distraction.

You shouldn’t be dating to try and get over someone or heal something in your heart. You have to first work on that baggage and that issue and that hurt first so that you aren’t then dating from that place of fear and lack, which is just going to cause you to either invest into the wrong people or hurt someone in the process.

via GIPHY

Okay, and lastly, number five.

When you date and when you’re putting yourself back out there, there is a difference between guarding your heart and blocking love.

Guarding your heart is about going, “Okay, I’m going to have certain standards in place. I’m going to pace myself.

I’m going to make sure I make wise decisions instead of emotionally reacting to how I feel,”  as opposed to blocking someone.

Blocking them because you obviously have this fear of getting hurt is usually representative in the way that you don’t reciprocate much.

You set your expectations so incredibly high that they can’t even achieve them because they’re not even healthy.

And then you push people away and you don’t want to date and push people away, because obviously that kind of contradicts the whole point of dating.

Yet, at the same time, you don’t want to be so open that you fall for someone that you don’t really know and then you get hurt.

Free e-book : The 9 Types Of Women That Make Men Run!

Book 5

Learn why men run from certain women and what is ultimately takes to get him to want to commit!

Download your free copy now!

Why is it taking me so long to find love?

Are you tired of waiting for love to come your way? Are you over going to engagement parties or weddings on your own? Are you wondering why it’s taking you so long? If so, I know how you feel.

This past weekend, I attended my first ever wedding as a married woman. I’m 48 and I’ve been married just three months. It was wonderful, and weird, to go to a wedding as a wife, after attending many weddings as a single woman or as the girlfriend of someone I was unsure about.

I remember all the times I surveyed the sea of couples at weddings, wondering how on earth all these men and women had managed to find each other and fall in love. I recall staring at the rings on the fingers of male and female guests and marveling  at the miracle of it all – a miracle that evaded me well into my forties. Now I get to marvel at my own rings.

So why do some of us have to wait longer than others to find love?

Well, I don’t have your answers but I do have mine and I’d like to share some thoughts and suggestions to help to ease the pain of not having what you want just yet and to help to move you in the direction of love.

Forgive Yourself

Firstly, I’d like to suggest that you forgive yourself.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll be adept at giving yourself a hard time and at blaming yourself, and not so good at forgiving yourself. Maybe you think you made some poor choices along the way. Maybe you feel you took the wrong path. Maybe you think you could have done more, tried harder.

Forgive yourself. Show yourself compassion. Speak to yourself in the kind, empathetic and understanding tones that you would use with a small child you love dearly. Wrap yourself in a warm blanket of self-love and self-acceptance.

Do it now. Take your arms and wrap them around your chest. Close your eyes. And give yourself a hug and a squeeze. Do it again. Do this often.

You are doing really well. You are loved.

Understand Yourself

Next, I’d like to suggest that you understand yourself – that you grow in self-awareness.

How did you get here? What decisions and choices did you make and why did you make them? Remember, this is about self-knowledge, not self-blame. What patterns did you repeat in your relationships and where did those patterns come from?

Are you scared to love because of early life or later life relationship experiences? Have you been hurt before, as a child or as an adult? Do you carry shame and are you therefore afraid to be seen by someone else?

There is nothing nonsense about you. In fact, you make perfect sense. The path you have taken is directly linked to the life experiences you enjoyed or endured.

In my case, the losses and hurts I experienced as a child, none of which were my fault, set me up to avoid loving relationships as an adult, meaning I kept falling for people who were emotionally unavailable. My patterns made sense.

It’s sad that I had to experience those losses and it’s sad that I’ve had to experience their consequences (not having children being the biggest repercussion). But this has been my journey – my unique journey.

And in my bravest moments, I can embrace it and give thanks for it, because it’s made me who I am today – an emotionally intelligent, empathetic woman, friend and coach. I’ve found purpose and passion in my pain and there is purpose in your pain too. If you haven’t found it already, you will if you keep allowing yourself to feel.

Heal Yourself

Thirdly, I’d like to suggest that you heal yourself and that you allow God to heal you.

This is easier said than done, of course. It takes huge courage to open ourselves up to healing because we first have to accept and acknowledge our pain – bring it out of the darkness into the light. We might also have to acknowledge the ways we cope with or hide from our pain (in my case, binge eating, binge drinking and over-working – I have healed from the first two but the third still remains).

Healing takes time. It occurred to me in recent days that I have done huge amounts of healing. I have healed from self-harm and disordered eating and from dysfunctional relationship patterns. I have healed enough to fall in love and get married. But there’s so much more healing to do – around my fear of others, around intimacy and sex, around the ways in which I still abandon myself.

Healing also requires the support of others. We can ask God for healing but I’m not sure we can heal alone, without our fellow humans. I believe we need to become vulnerable with people we can trust, ask for help and open up our hearts and our souls.

This is the foundational work that I had to do and, I believe, many of us deserve to do in order to create the best conditions in our lives and in our hearts for love.

Trust

Finally, we need to find a way to trust. Again, this is easier said than done. If we’ve been let down in the past, especially by parents or authority figures, we might struggle to trust anyone but ourselves. In fact, we might even struggle to trust ourselves. But we can commit to being a little bit more trusting – and a little less controlling – on a daily basis.

Every morning, when you wake up, declare that you’re going to trust today – trust that you’ll be OK, trust that God has got your back, trust that it’s all working out exactly as it’s supposed to, and trust that love will come your way, in time.

8 Red Flags To Watch Out For When Dating

Love those red flags?

If you are somebody who ends up dating guys or falling for guys that then later on reveal their true toxic nature, then my guess is, is that you’re not aware of what red flags look like.

And in this video I actually want to give you eight red flags that you need to be aware of if you’re dating somebody or in a relationship which could actually lead to an incredibly toxic situation.

Red flags to watch out for when dating | Don’t ignore these 8 Red Flags!

Now let’s talk about red flags.

Sometimes they are really glaringly obvious and other times we don’t see them until they start to show later on down the track.

And the last thing that we want to do is fall in love with potential rather than recognize patterns early on. 

Number one: He jokes about sex all the time.

Okay girls, did you actually know that men reveal the truth in their jokes? What he usually jokes about is an indication of his thoughts and his intentions.

So if he’s constantly joking about things that are suggestive or talking about sex or jokes about getting you naked, then chances are that is what is on his mind and that is only what he wants for.

Number two: He changes who he is depending on who it is that he is around.

If you’re dating a guy and he’s really lovey-dovey and amazing with you when it’s just the two of you alone, but then when you’re around his friends or in an environment wheer there’s other women…

And he really becomes distant, and he kind of treats you more like a friend and it’s basically opposite to how he is when you’re alone, then that could be a red flag.

You want to actually get to know a guy’s character and intentions by what he is consistent in because whatever it is that he is consistent in is an indication to his default character.

And his default character is basically who he really is when he’s not on his best behavior.

And I always tell all my clients to take their time to actually date a guy and to get to know him in different environments and circumstances because it is going to help you work out, okay, who is this man really? Does he change when he’s drinking lots of alcohol?

Does he change when he’s around friends, does he change when he’s just by himself with me and he becomes really controlling and aggressive?

Number three: He leaves a long gaps in between communication.

Not everyone has the same style to communicate, but if he goes five days without talking to you, then all of a sudden he’s like, “Oh hey, we still on for that date?” And you have a great date and then you don’t hear from him again and then he does it again.

Then to that is a red flag because someone who is ready to prioritize you and show that they value you, they won’t leave long gaps of time in between actually communicating to you.

Now, if he does have long gaps in between communicating with you, it could be an indication that he’s just not ready for a relationship. It could also mean that he’s maybe seeing what other options he has out there.

Maybe he’s just busy and that is what is his focus at the moment. Either way, if you want to date somebody, then make sure that they’re actually not leaving you guessing every second day where the hell they are and what it is that they’re doing.

Now before I jump into the next tip girls, I want to let that I’ve actually packaged all this up and put it in a free cheat sheet for you.

You can get a copy sent directly to your inbox, which includes a checklist so that you can work out, okay, is this guy giving me lots of red flags before I even go on the first day or is he giving me a whole lot of red flags even though we’ve been dating for a couple of weeks?

Number four: He criticizes you or the people around you.

Not every one’s a positive polly, but if you are dating a guy and he’s constantly putting you down, making fun of you and basically making you feel like crap, then that really isn’t a basis of a healthy relationship.

It could be an indication that this man has controlling or narcissistic sort of tendencies or maybe he’s just a really miserable person.

Number five, he makes you feel guilty .

For either something that he has done wrong or for you wanting to say no. If a guy puts too much pressure on you and you say, “No, I’m not comfortable with that.” Whether it is intimacy, whether it’s moving too fast, whether it is going into an environment that you just don’t want to be in.

And then he then teases you about it and makes you feel guilty about it as if it’s all your fault, then that is not cool.

That to me is actually an indication of controlling and narcissistic behavior where they play the victim and you’re always in the wrong.

And that can be really dangerous because we can then start to feel pressure to do things that we don’t want to do.

Or we can start to question whether or not we are actually overreacting to something. And maybe we should give in.

Just remember girls, you are not obligated to do anything on a date or with a man. And then you have every right to be able to say no.

And if he starts to use that against you, then just know it is a red flag.

Which brings me to point number six. He tries to control you.

There’s a difference between having a guy lead you in a relationship and lead you on a date and downright trying to control you for his own pleasure or because of his own insecurities.

So if he is trying to control your decisions, your opinion by either, again, making you feel guilty for saying no. Or trying to take over everything that you do.

Or telling you what you should wear, or telling you who you can go and see and how you can’t see that friend.

And basically monitoring your life so that you feel suffocated and you start to second guess yourself all the time.

Again, to me that is a major red flag and it’s also an indication of narcissistic behavior, emotional abuse and it’s something that you do not have to put up with.

Number seven, he has secretive behavior.

All right. Now secretive behavior could be anything from him hiding his phone or maybe things not really adding up where he says one thing about a friend that’s just a friend, but then you find out that it is actually his ex-girlfriend. Okay.

Is basically in congruency where he says one thing, but then his actions don’t really follow through or you feel that there’s his uneasiness and that there isn’t a lot of trust there.

Secretive behavior is different to behavior where you’re trying to protect your relationship.

Privacy in a relationship is about protection. Secrecy is about hiding something and if he does have secretive sort of behavior, then you need to ask yourself, what is he hiding.

 Number eight:  He always goes on about how crazy or psycho his ex was.

This is a major red flag , because he is always the victim.

You’ve got to stop and remember, okay, if he’s got all these crazy exes around him, he’s the common denominator and you yourself know that you’re not crazy.

So why all of a sudden has it changed? And it becomes something that just doesn’t really add up because he’s always making out that he’s the victim and all the other women are the bad ones.

And if a guy constantly plays the victim and you will know this because when you start to do things and hold him accountable, he will actually turn it against you.

Then again, that could be narcissistic behavior and it could also be an indication that he’s actually the one with the issues that all these other women actually just call him out on his crap and he wasn’t prepared to deal with it.

She Doesn’t Want a Boyfriend Right Now, What Are My Options?

You’ve trolled local bars, joined some cool meetups, swiped right tons of times on Tinder, and finally — after all that effort — you’ve met a woman who’s girlfriend-worthy. Not only that, but you guys hit it off and start dating. Things are pretty much awesome.

But then, things take a weird turn. Suddenly, the texts start to dwindle, she seems less and less excited to see you, and when you ask her about it, she says THIS:

“I just don’t think I’m ready for a relationship right now.”

What?

It’s seriously the most confusing thing to hear, especially when things seemed so perfect in the beginning. So what gives? When a woman says she doesn’t want a boyfriend right now, is there anything you can do about it? The answer is yes.

First, If She Doesn’t Want a Boyfriend Right Now, Look At Things Realistically

Try looking at the situation like someone else would. What actually happened here? It may seem like you guys are close, but did she ever say anything to give the impression she wanted anything more serious? If she didn’t, you may have asked her to make things official before she was ready.

So the question is, why did you jump the gun? There could be a serious case of FOMO going on … or maybe you’re coming on too strong?

Another thing you might want to ask yourself is, how well do you actually know her? Fantasy plays a huge part in who we’re attracted to, and if this girl matches the picture in your head of the ideal woman in a superficial way, you might have tried to lock things down too early without really thinking it through.

Do Some Digging

If you guys have mutual friends, you might want to ask around and see what you can find out about this. Her friends might know more about her relationship history, whether or not she’s been hanging out with someone else, or even what she says about you when you’re not around.

Just remember to do this subtly, because they might clam up if they think you’re trying to use them for information. Still, see what they’re willing to tell you. The real reason why she’s not willing to date you seriously could be something that she’s too afraid to say — but that everyone else knows.

Or, an even better way to do it is to simply ask her directly. The key here is not to ask her in a needy way (in other words, you don’t want to give the impression that she’s higher value than you are). But, asking her a few questions in a non-judgmental way can reveal a lot. For example, you could learn that:

  • It has nothing to do with you
  • There are things about you that are giving her doubts
  • She wasn’t right for you anyway

When it comes to having this delicate conversation though, here’s how you DON’T want to do it:

YOU: I’ve been thinking a lot about us, and would really like to call you my girlfriend.

Her: Oh, wow. You know what, I’m really flattered, but I don’t think I want a boyfriend right now.

YOU: Why? We’ve been hanging out every single weekend, we text all day long, and neither of us are seeing anyone else. Aren’t we practically boyfriend/girlfriend anyway?

Her: Yeah, but I just don’t want to get serious with anyone.

YOU: So you’ve been lying to me all this time basically? What have we been doing all this time, then?

Her: If you feel like it’s a waste of time, then go. No one’s stopping you.

Getting defensive will only box you into a corner. Assuming she’s not willing to change her mind on the spot, she’ll have no other choice than to cut ties in order to make you feel better.

But what if you responded like this?

YOU: I’ve been thinking a lot about us, and would really like to call you my girlfriend.

Her: Oh, wow. You know what, I’m really flattered, but I don’t think I want a boyfriend right now.

YOU: Are you afraid that would make things different between us?

Her: I’m not sure. I just don’t want to feel tied down, and I’m so busy these days.

YOU: I get that. I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent together. Even though I’m looking for a relationship, I’d still be open to hanging out once in a while as we have been.

Her: Great. I’d like that.

How is this better, you might ask? First, you haven’t forced her to cut things off. Second, you kept the feelings positive between the two of you, which leaves the door open for you to employ other tactics. For example, you might want to …

Consider a Casual Relationship

Think about it: She says she doesn’t want a boyfriend right now, but she’s still seeing you. I’m not saying anything for sure, but a casual relationship may not be off the table. That is, if you’re okay with that. If so, you’re not alone: According to Psychology Today, over 50% of people in their 20s have already had an FWB (friends with benefits) relationship at least once.

So ask yourself, what do you REALLY want? Is this someone who you really like as a person, or is she just hot? If it’s the latter … and she’s saying she doesn’t want a boyfriend right now … this actually could be the best news you’ve heard all day.

On the other hand, be aware that an FWB relationship can be disastrous if there’s part of you that honestly wants more. If you’re secretly hoping the FWB will lead to a real relationship, consider yourself warned: It won’t.

But if that’s what you actually wanted in the first place (maybe you thought you needed to make her a girlfriend in order to have a sexual relationship) then you’re in luck.

However, to really increase the odds of her agreeing to a casual relationship, you’ll need to increase the sexual tension between the two of you first. Right now, that tension might be pretty low. So, if you do nothing else, please …

Stop Treating Her Like a Girlfriend

This piece of advice is key, so listen up. If she says she doesn’t want a boyfriend, then for god’s sake, STOP treating her like a girlfriend. Like immediately.

In case you’re not sure what I mean, here are a couple of things you may be doing that simply aren’t worth it:

  • Spending ALL your free time with her. If it’s obvious that you’re spending all of your available free time with her (like both weekend days, and texting on weeknights) then it’s going to be hard for her to see your worth. Cancelling your other plans just to be with her is even worse. Instead, she needs to see that while you may enjoy hanging out with her, you don’t need to be with her. Don’t make it seem like you have nothing better to do. It’ll just hurt your cause. Be willing to say “no” sometimes, which will subtly reinforce your worth.
  • Agreeing with her, even when you secretly don’t. When we like someone, it’s easy to get all googly-eyed and say “yes” to everything they suggest. But people can feel when you’re kissing up to them, and that kind of energy lowers your attractiveness as a man, making you look less confident. Keep your opinions and express them to her. She’ll respect you for it.

Once you stop treating her like a girlfriend, you are in prime position to go in for the kill. I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to …

Reverse Friendzone Her

Reverse friendzoning means that you literally treat her like a friend, and no more. Treat her like someone you’re actually not attracted to. Like a sister, even. De-prioritize her in your life. And, here’s the harder part: If she does try to be affectionate at all, push her away. At least right now.

Putting her in the friendzone immediately after she put YOU in the friendzone will communicate two things. One, that you know you’re good enough to get someone else — to the point that you’re willing to back it up with your actions. And two, that she’s ultimately replaceable.

Trust me, even if you don’t see a change in her behavior right away, it’ll make her think twice.

Sounds harsh? It’s not, really. First, she’s already done that to you. This just exaggerates the tone she’s setting for your relationship, to the point where she can feel the consequences. Ideally, if she wasn’t 100% sure about her decision to turn you down in the first place, then making her feel what it’s really like to just be your friend could change her mind.

Don’t Wait for Her

We all know there are no guarantees in life. So if she’s saying she doesn’t want a boyfriend right now, it’s best to believe it. Not putting 100% effort and focus into your dating life is a mistake, which you’ll regret if she sticks to her decision. So you’ve got to get out there and start dating other people, even if it hurts at first.

To really get the most out of your dating life, especially at a time like this, I strongly suggest MegaDating. Once you embrace this supercharged way of dating, you’ll be seeing several women at the same time — which has enormous benefits. For one thing, once you’re in this mindset, you won’t get locked into any one woman, thinking of her as your sole ticket to happiness. Instead, you’ll know that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and will develop the confidence you need to not only find the perfect woman, but make her come to you.

Once you’ve been MegaDating, you’ll have no problem fully moving on from this woman, if you have to. And would that be such a bad thing? After all, you could find the same or even better satisfaction elsewhere.

Think about all the reasons you wanted her as your girlfriend in the first place (besides sex). Is it a feeling of connection? Companionship? Those inside jokes that only the two of you share? Then, ask yourself how you can experience those things with other people or situations. Good relationships and feelings of connections are built over time — and you and you can do that again with someone else. I promise.

Choose to Learn from This

Especially if this has been a painful experience, you want to make sure that something good comes from it. So take the extra time to figure out what you can learn, because there’s always a lesson.

For example, if you find yourself experiencing heartache over and over again, you might want to see if there’s a pattern. Does this kind of thing happen a lot? Are these women similar in some way that you hadn’t thought of before? How do you typically express your interest in a woman, and can you change this in any way? Relationships can be painful, but knowledge is power.

This could be your chance to really take control of your dating life by discovering how you may be secretly sabotaging it. We all do this, but not all of us take the time to really understand how it’s occurring. Once you get a clear understanding of why this may be happening, it’ll be that much easier to change course … and find the woman you were always meant to be with.

That said, I am always available if you want an outside opinion! Book a 1-on-1 New Client Skype session with me and we can look at your particular situation together to see what might really be going on. After our session, you’ll come away with specific tips and strategies for attracting the women you really want, bringing you one step closer to the relationship you’ve been looking for. We’ll also determine if my 3-month Signature coaching program could work for you!

How to Find the Right Relationship

The holidays, together with Valentine’s Day, have come to an finish. If you’re approaching the “holiday season” single, feeling unfortunate in love, don’t fret. Instead, put romance at the high of your checklist of resolutions for the new year. Learn the way to discover the right relationship for you.

I’m Emyli, America’s Dating Coach for Men & co-founder of Emlovz.com. I do know loads about relationship, and the way to make the most of my shoppers’ seek for the good relationship. Around this time of the year, a variety of guys are fascinated about their love lives and the way to make them higher. The vacation season can also be when single males have a tendency to hear advice from nearly everybody they know on how to discover somebody. Unfortunately, a variety of this advice could be deceptive, annoying, and fairly disheartening for somebody keen to discover love.

In specific, there’s this widespread delusion about relationships that claims that love solely comes whenever you’re not trying to find it. In truth, you’ve in all probability gotten that advice from well-meaning family and friends in the previous. “Once you stop looking for love, it will find you.” Women get the identical advice all of the time.

In actuality, nothing might be farther from the fact! Looking for love is one in all the finest issues you are able to do to discover the relationship you need. The trick is to be ready, and to search sensible. Whether you’re new to relationship or have been in search of that particular somebody for some time now, learn on to study some useful suggestions that may educate you the way to discover how to find a good relationship.

One of the first things I do when working with a brand new client, is, locate what they need from a relationship. Most of the time, he is not aware of what he really wants in a girl. And as I like to inform him, “you’re not likely to find gold, if you don’t know what it looks like.”

When clients are clueless about what they need, I like to take them on a visit down Memory Lane. By evaluating previous relationships, you are able to analyze what was good about them, why it didn’t work out,  and come to realize the things you cherish most about the relationships from your past. And you wish things had been different.

I’ve discovered that is the finest approach to get a transparent image in my client’s head about what he’s searching to find. With that approach, if something promising comes along, he’ll be ready to acknowledge it.

To create your personal profile, write down 5 things you are looking for in a relationship. Obviously, you want her to captivate you, to engage you senses. That’s often the first thing guys write down on their must have list.  If you’re deeply non secular. and that’s important to you, write it down, too. If you couldn’t stand that your previous girlfriend was sadly unemployed, be sure to add one thing about her profession, goals, and ambition. 

Struggling to name your requirements? Don’t assume you’ll not choosy, and  anybody’s fine. Everyone has likes and dislikes. It’s up to you to determine what you want in a relationship with someone. If you need to learn the way to discover the proper relationship, and never the fallacious one, take a second to actually take into consideration what you need.

Evaluate Your Overall Life Satisfaction

Before setting off to discover somebody that may make you content, ensure you’re typically glad along with your life. Ask your self the following questions. Are you pleased with what you do for a dwelling? Are you content along with your friendships? Do you are feeling snug along with your dwelling state of affairs? Are your loved ones ties sturdy? Do you are feeling fulfilled financially? Is there one thing lacking in your life moreover the proper accomplice? 

The solutions to these questions aren’t all the time the best to uncover. Sometimes we’d like assist figuring out how we actually really feel inside, and what we are able to do to really feel even higher. If you want steering on enhancing any space of your life, now’s the time to attain out to somebody who may help. 

In my customized teaching applications, my shoppers and I all the time make certain to sort out this one first. After all, when you’re not blissful, you’re not going to have the option to make another person blissful, both. You’re additionally loads much less probably to discover somebody that’s best for you.

Many folks suppose that the reply to their happiness lies in discovering the proper individual to fall in love with. This is just not true. We need to be the finest individual potential once we discover love, so we can provide every part now we have to making it the good relationship with out hangups.

Set apart love for a second, and take a while to take into consideration the methods you need to enhance your life. You owe it to your self to do something it takes to discover true happiness, which as everyone knows, comes from inside. Work on being single and blissful earlier than in search of love, and also you’ll be far more profitable in every part that comes after that.

Work on Your Online Presence

Are you on Facebook? Twitter? Instagram? Do you might have a private profile on Meet Mindful? Are you utilizing relationship apps geared for relationship mined folks like Hinge and Bumble?

In this point in time, when you’re not online, you’re virtually non-existent. As daunting as which may sound to people who aren’t utilizing social media, it’s the fact. Going online to discover dates is the new regular, and it’s a fairly handy instrument to benefit from.

Facebook isn’t a relationship app, however it could actually work that approach. Lots of relationships start on Facebook these days (like mine:)). Facebook is a implausible approach to meet buddies of buddies that you simply might need loads in frequent with. If you’re probably not into Facebook, you may want to rethink utilizing it when studying how to discover the proper relationship in 2019. You is likely to be shocked when a cousin’s buddy from highschool, who’s mutual buddies along with your co-worker’s neighbor, seems to be the one. 

If you’re on Facebook and in addition utilizing relationship apps, good for you! But it’s in all probability time to consider how your profiles are doing. Are you getting matched with numerous folks? Is your inbox getting flooded with messages, or is it principally empty? When was the final time you went on a date by a relationship app? How many dates did you go on this yr?

There are a variety of methods to enhance your relationship profiles. First issues first, take a look at your profile image. Is it current? Does it make you look good? Is it blurry or too far-off? Go forward and replace it for a recent begin in the new yr.

In truth, it is likely to be time to take down all of your previous photos and put up new ones. Remember, your profile photos are very probably the very first thing she’s going to take a look at. You’ll additionally need to work in your description and replace any private info the place mandatory. You need all of the info on it to be present, up-to-date and related.

I understand how intimidating online dating could be. Knowledgeable relationship coach may help improve your online presence and ensure you’re on the proper relationship apps. I love working with guys on their social media profiles, as a result of they’re so efficient at getting outcomes. 

One of the absolute quickest methods to learn the way to discover the proper relationship in 2019 is thru MegaDating. MegaDating is my patented instructing idea of relationship a number of ladies at the identical time to diffuse your vitality and improve your self-confidence. It’s a significant proponent in serving to males keep away from the friendzone. MegaDating additionally protects males from settling for mediocre. There are so many advantages to MegaDating that I like to recommend it to anybody who needs to get on the quick observe to discovering love.

I ought to know. In 2011/2012, I dedicated to happening 100 dates as a part of a analysis challenge to discover out all I may about relationship. While megadating that yr, I realized loads about myself and about the relationship sport in basic. In addition to gaining the analysis and the experience I wanted to begin my enterprise as a relationship coach, I additionally wound up assembly my boyfriend of 6 years by the experiment. I extremely suggest it to anybody wanting to do the identical.

MegaDating helps males in some ways. First, it virtually eliminates first date nervousness. As a results of relationship a wide range of ladies so continuously, you naturally calibrate right into a assured, snug and genuine man. On the flip facet, happening a date as soon as 1 / 4 or so can depart you feeling awkward and nervous since you don’t have the calibration that comes from observe.

MegaDating additionally protects you from settling for a mediocre relationship when you possibly can have had a unprecedented one. So lots of my shoppers are prepared to leap right into a relationship, no matter whether or not or not that individual is true for them. The drawback with this thought course of is that it typically comes with adverse long-term penalties, like divorce.

MegaDating provides you a variety of choices, so you may stroll away from a nasty date with out feeling such as you’re giving up your solely likelihood to discover love. It additionally helps you take care of the concern of rejection. You’re loads much less probably to really feel dangerous about somebody rejecting you at the moment if in case you have one other date deliberate for tomorrow night time.

Set a selected variety of dates that you really want to go on in 2019. My quantity was 100. How many do you suppose it should take for you to discover the one?

If you’re in MegaDating, it’s time to go for it! Take my 2019 relationship problem and get began on an unforgettable journey that you simply received’t remorse. There’s no higher time to discover a actual relationship along with your most splendid accomplice!

Learn to discover the right relationship. Focus on avoiding errors you made in the past. One error males make is falling for the wrong girl, who’s not worth your nor effort. Watch out for ladies who create a roller coaster circle of feelings. These types of  relationships can cause real damage to your confidence. And it may take you a long time to recover from the affects of these encounters with the wrong person.

Ah! When you think the right one has come along, you feel euphoric when she smiles at you. But, soon heartbreak sets in, when she takes three days to return a textual message.

Huge upswings and downswings of emotion are unbearable. Look for someone who makes you feel secure and lets you know how important you are to her. If you are able to describe her as someone that gives you a lasting feeling, it’s a good probability she’s the right one.

The identical goes for ladies that don’t ignite that spark in you. If she’s not making you are feeling such as you’re on high of the world whenever you’re together with her, give it three dates to make sure, then transfer on when you’re positive.

How badly would you like to discover the proper relationship in 2019? Rank it for me. On a scale of 1 to 10, how badly would you like to enhance your romantic life this yr? If you scored my query a 10, it’s time for you to COMMIT and CHANGE!

When you commit to one thing and put every part you’ve obtained into reaching it, you’re probably to see it realized.

If you are motivated to discover that special relationship  and need an knowledgeable accomplished person you can rent me as your relationship coach. 

I meet clients through Skype. I can work with you every week to enhance your relationship outcomes. My customized and personal teaching applications are designed to construct your confidence and improve your social abilities. I’ll assist you to optimize your relationship profile on relationship apps and online dating websites. I also can assist you to construct your online dating profile from scratch, if presently you are not utilizing any online dating tools.

I’ll take you from zero dates to having so many dates, you might have to flip ladies down in the event that they’re not a match for you. If you’re already getting dates, I’ll assist you in choosing someone right for you and I will effectively  navigate you from the first date to the second date and onward in your dating life. 

If you have an interest in working with me, join a New Client Session at the moment. This is a reduced introductory Skype session, where I go over your relationship roadblocks, create an action plan, generate quick and long run relationship targets. I focus on whether or not my three or 12 month teaching package deal can be best for you. 

Since 2012, I’ve gone above and beyond to assist males in discovering that special relationship. You deserve to discover happiness and the RIGHT relationship. And I’m prepared to assist you make it occur.