Tag Archives: Idealist | Relationship Advice

Jan. 05.

Married life


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I have been married for 15 years. I am a scientist/patent agent and she an intensive care physician. I work in-house at a pharmaceutical company that recently went through a merger and substantial lay-offs. Things are still unsettled. I fortunately survived. My wife recently became medical director of the ICU. In short, our professional lives have recently been extremely stressful. We have two wonderful boys 9 and 10 we love very much.

Our marriage was not arranged, but our meeting was by our parents (yes, if you haven’t figured it out, we are Indians). We had a two-year long distance dating relationship (me in NY, her in Ottawa). Met almost every weekend or whenever we could, and talked for hours on the phone every single day between meetings. We got married and then lived apart for another two years as I finished up in NY and she finished up in Ottawa. We eventually settled in Toronto where both of our families are.

I am a romantic and emotionally sensitive, definitely not the macho man. Would love to whisk her away on a long weekend to Paris, Rome etc. Would love to walk along the Seine hand in hand in spring. Love to cuddle and be cuddled, hold hands, lie on her lap while watching TV, have her run her fingers through my hair, be kissed and hugged. In short I am very affectionate. I need to be touched. I need to be loved. She was quite affectionate in our early years together. Not so much after the kids, but I could still get hugs, kisses and almost everything mentioned above, just not as often. That was fine. I perfectly understand that partners change over time. Relationships change over time.

I am the cook in the house, I do the grocery shopping, take the trash out, pick up and drop off the kids at school every single day of the school year. I do most of the homework with the kids, science projects etc. I take the kids to their extracurricular activities (swimming, soccer, birthday parties etc.), manage the finances, meet with our financial advisor, take both cars in for servicing, take the kids to their orthodontist and pediatrician. I do the ironing. She takes the kids to the dentist, does the laundry and takes the kids shopping for clothes. Her schedule is such that she says she can’t do all of the other things. She is out by 6.30 am and does not return till about 7pm. I have somewhat of a 9-5 job. I don’t complain, but it is sometimes overwhelming.

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Nov. 29.

To Love or Not to Love


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I have been married to a woman I absolutely adore for 2 years. At times she has expressed being unhappy, but she always realized that with our current situation, she needed to give it time.

To give some background, here is our current situation: we live 3 hours apart, in separate states, but we see each other every weekend. She refuses to move to where I am, and I have no problems moving to where she is except that I would need to switch careers and take a severe pay cut to make it work.

I never expressed unhappiness about our situation, but it is a difficult one. We so badly want to be with each other every day.

Well, the issue here is this: now she is totally happy, and I am unhappy. I am unhappy because she is unaffectionate. I am not talking about bedroom performance because that would make me shallow. I am talking about cuddling, kissing, holding hands, etc. She is very unaffectionate, and I am very affectionate. Furthermore, I am growing increasingly unhappy with our living situation. I have been trying to find a way for 2 years to get myself up there, but to this point it has been a financial impossibility. And with her refusing to move down here, I can’t and won’t force her into anything. But I am the type of guy who wants to be able to come home every night if I am with someone.

I have never cheated on my wife or any previous girlfriend I ever had. But here is where the struggle comes in. I met a woman who is clearly affectionate and who wants to be with me. As far as compatibility goes, she has what I am lacking in my current marriage. She is affectionate, and I can actually physically see her every day, not just weekends. I do find myself thinking about this other woman and wondering what it would be like to be with her. I know I have probably already cheated on my wife emotionally, even though I haven’t laid a finger on this other woman, and this bothers me.

I have never cheated, I don’t believe in divorce, and I don’t want to break my wife’s heart by walking out on a marriage that is increasingly making me unhappy. To do any of these would go against my scruples, making my decision harder.

Is my communicating with this other woman revealing traits that my marriage doesn’t have? If so, how do I fix it? Should I stop talking to this woman, even though I believe she could make me happier? Or is this an infatuation that I have with this woman, and by ceasing to further communicate, all my struggles will go away? I don’t know. That’s why I need relationship advice.

I love my wife to death, and I know she loves me too. I can’t continue hurting her, even though she doesn’t know what I am doing.

What do I do?

- confused

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Jun. 14.

Idealist Temperament


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Ever since I can remember, I have always had a curiosity for this deep inner knowing of “Self”. This all consuming and magnificent obsession has driven me to find new answers about human behavior. I recently ran across the relationship book “Please Understand Me 2” and found that I was a Champion/Healer Idealist temperament.

I am struggling at the moment with a similar feeling of loneliness and alienation. I live in one of the most conservative and traditional areas in the country and find myself constantly curious about others behavior.

I ended up marrying a traditional Provider Guardian and have just really realized that I have tried to change her for the last 7 years of our marriage. I am deeply longing for connection and a “soul mate”, an understanding and a genuine sense that I am known (as described in the Idealist mates profile).

How do I deal with the fact that the person I am with doesn’t understand or maybe even isn’t possible of understanding what I am longing for in a connection with her? When I bring it up or try to communicate in any way it is perceived that we are just different and maybe not meant for each other.

I am at a loss and feel like you may have some insights about relationships dealing with this sort of dilemma. Specifically, about the internal struggles of the Idealist understanding the specific temperament of their mates, but resentful that their perceived notion cannot reciprocate the understanding. I guess what I want to know is, what do we do now that we know more about ourselves and the motivations that drive our sense of self. How can I address the loneliness?

- Unknown

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