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Posts Tagged ‘Love Relationship’

Love Cost

OK, OK, I understand, it’s the most difficult emotional time to get over. I understand that the relationship advice in “Goodbye Lover” and “Heartbroken” on how to get it over are so rational and apparent that we all know them but they are hard to carry out in real situation of that moment. The reason is that the relationship advice is too late.

So, today, we switch an angle from being too late to being in time, if not early, when you are still rational. Yes, this piece of relationship advice is for those who are not yet being in love or who just fell in love and still have vision.

Today’s topic is called “Love Cost“, however, this cost of love is not the one that ultimately leads to a long lasting happy marriage, therefore, actually called “Breakup Cost of Love“.

How much does a breakup cost? Of course, financially it cost you. The more serious your love relationship was, the more cost it may occur.

However, are you aware of the hidden cost of a breakup?

First of all is your emotional cost, that is your lowered self-esteem, being sad, depression, being lonely, regret, guilty, pain and insomnia.

The second one is the benefit of current love, so a breakup is also called as “lost love”.

The third one is the unrealized invested cost: money, emotion, time and energy on the wrong person with no expected returns and this cost could have been spent in having more friends, finding or furthering your career.

The fourth one is your previous friendship loss. Because you became lover, you lost a friend.

Because love with no result is costly, it hurts so bad when you break up.

On the other hand, because it’s costly, to ensure you are rich enough to date and possibly lose love some day with less pain, you need to preserve a decent amount of saving.

First saving account is your true best friends. Therefore, continue to expand and maintain your strong emotional support social network while dating. Always keep qualified potential soul mates as friends.

Second saving account is the news or stories of tragedy or grief. When you break up, read them, think about how miserable those people are. Compared with theirs, your life is much better, because you are rich enough to date. Or keep a saving account of heart-stirring books or songs. Concentrate your emotion on positive elements without a moment to be depressed. Internet can help you a lot.

Third saving account is the notes of your lover’s strong points and shortcomings. Please have two separate diaries ready for each purpose. When breaking up, simply read the shortcoming diary and tell yourself, “It’s not a regret at all to lose such a person.” But remember, never read it when everything is fine!

Please learn to accept the fact that finding your soul mate is a trial and you may make wrong choice.

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Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009
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Being in Love

What’s the difference between being in love and love?

Building a love relationship is like building a bridge over a river. Being in love is like crossing the river in winter. The river freezes over and we can walk across. It’s effortless and exciting.

Anyway, summer comes, the ice turns to liquid and we’ve lost our natural bridge. The ice bridge relies on the weather, and we realizes that we need a real bridge that endures through every season in order to cross the river and reach the other side or just to keep the excitement of crossing the river.

Being in love is romantic, but life is realistic; crossing the river over the ice bridge is thrilling, but the weather changes, and there’s nothing that the effortlessness can maintain.

We can make use of the ice while we build a more durable bridge of wood, brick or steel. Likewise, while we’re being in love we can build a lasting love relationship based on respect, trust, and friendship. When we’re being in love we want to spend all our time with the other person, and it’s a perfect opportunity to get to know each other better, so we can know how best to love the other one.

Being in love provides you with a gifted opportunity and strong desire and energy to preserve the love. If the bridge you build is durable, you keep your love being in love; if the love relationship lacks respect, trust or friendship, then you will eventually end up falling out of love.

We thought that we were deeply in love, but some day when we looked back we suddenly found it so vague; the deepest love must grow with time.

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Thursday, May 21st, 2009
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Love with no result

To avoid 8 kinds of love with no result, you will live a life with less hurt. Do not create self-hurt and do not let these love with no result overshadow your view of a much better and healthier life near at hand.

8 kinds of love with no result are as follows:

1. When you care about him but he’s just not that into u

Love is supposed to be mutual, and when he’s just not that into u, to avoid self-hurt, you had better give him up as soon as possible before your love is getting deep.

Your love is actually never satisfied and the harm is not less than drugs’. You lose yourself in this unbalanced relationship and you will feel you are fooled and painful.

Vice versa, do not hurt someone you are not that into.

2. When you only love his potential

You don’t really love him as is and you just love the one he might become in the future, then he is just someone you want to shape but not your love.

If you always hope to change him to satisfy you, then it’s rather gamble than love.

Vice versa, if he always wants to change you, then he doesn’t love you; leave him as soon as possible before you get hurt.

3. When you want to help him

You have pity on him and you feel obliged to cheer him up; you are afraid if you leave him he will be hurt.

He’s fragile, dependent and unloved. You have pity on him and then you try to love him. He will be grateful to you.

It’s alms giving that lacks respect for love.

Vice versa, if you are in need of help, please be thankful to him as a friend only, no further.

4. When you admire him as an idol

This kind of love is unequal. If you tend to love someone you admire, you usually lack self-confidence.

Vice versa, if someone admires you, just keep the friendship as is and do not “upgrade” it to love.

5. When you are just attracted to his appearance

It’s rather infatuation than love. Vice versa, if you are a beautiful woman, don’t be easily carried away by the number of wooers handy, otherwise, you may contrarily be suffered. A beautiful woman is a target of aggressive men who are addicted to competition, not love.

6. When you are together in an unusual occasion for a short period of time

This kind of feeling is not long lasting, since you don’t really get to know each other, especially when the occasion is changed later on.

7. When you just want to be opposite

When you are told to find someone rich, you intend to find someone poor……you just want to prove something, then you don’t truly love whom you choose.

When your parents dislike boyfriend, you insist on; you just want to be opposite.

8. When he is not free

Being free means he can be with you freely, unmarried, unengaged, not dating someone else, not in a love relationship, single and only be with you.

If the man you are being in love with promises you that he will leave the other woman very soon; or he says that he doesn’t love that woman and he loves you; or the other woman accepts your existence but they don’t plan on break up and he wants to be with you for a while; or he just broke up, but they might be together again……then he’s not free.

If you date a man who is not free, regardless of excuses, result is the same, that is, your heart will be broken, and the truth is that you only receive the portion of what the other woman left over.

Choice is at yours; responsibility is at yours. Love with no result is just a gamble with little chances to win and your happiness is the wager.

8 kinds of love with no result summarize 8 foremost preconditions to ensure a successful love journey with apparently more chances.

When love is mutual, balanced, equal, undivided, whole, unconditional with respect, it will pave an enchanting and healthy boulevard for you.

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Sunday, April 26th, 2009
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Heartbroken

The related cases we will refer to when we address this topic are under “Forget Love” menu.

If you are heartbroken, please remember this first: just like giving birth to a child, the pain will pass and the new baby will eventually be born. Being heartbroken is never eternal.

Before you forget your pain, feel free to recall it, feel it. Feel free to listen to the music that brings back haunting memories and feel free to cry. This helps you get through the worst of the pain and moves you along the path toward healing. Heart break is like losing a loved one to death, there you will go through a process similar to grief.

Then please be good to yourself: a spa, a massage, a movie, a concert just to cheer yourself up. Listen to gorgeous music, take a walk in a beautiful garden or a unique hillside and eat healthy foods.

Please remember what a great rabbi once said: you can learn something from everything, meaning there’s no experience including the worst one that can’t teach you something worthwhile.

Please learn not to depend upon another person for your happiness. It’s important to find your own true self and path in your life. Please do not rely on a love relationship to resolve your problems, to seemingly fulfill your “empty” life. You had better be reasonably happy, content and fulfilled on your own and then seek out a love relationship that can add to your life. Being dependent on another for your happiness is a good set-up for heart break.

Please remember there are other fishes in the sea. We have often marveled at how the next love has proven to be so much better than the one before, simply because we do learn at least something from each of these unsuccessful love relationships.

There’s nothing like good, warm, understanding, loving and lovable friends after a heartbreak, but please do not talk one friend’s ear off about your situation. And do be grateful for the kindness shown to you by others who reach out to you at this time. Once you feel a bit better it would be very lovely and thoughtful of you to send a thank you note, little gift, flowers or whatever to any friend who was especially comforting, understanding and helpful to you during the period of difficulty.

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Thursday, March 12th, 2009
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Distance of Beauty

If the answer of the question “why marriage is love’s tomb” is the vanishing of the feeling to respect love, then how are we going to avoid it?

If a romantic love is high quality, then it will surely turn to a long lasting bond of the couple and the main quality of the feeling is the mutual understanding, mutual trust and the privity of their way of thinking. The couple will have a sense of security and that of sharing the happiness and sadness together. They will feel that they are tied to each other and will never part in their life and that they will face all difficulties together. They will deeply miss each other whenever one is away from the other one.

How are we going to protect this great love? The answer is to keep a right distance, intimate while distant. After marriage, two persons are still individual persons, and need to be respected as individual persons, respecting his personality, his freedom; two persons are still two separate individuals and are not able to become one. Unfortunately, people often get it wrong and take for granted that the couple will be one and that both should keep pace with each other and then the conflicts are never ending.

In fact, family is supposed to become an intimate space for an individual to freely grow and provide the room for love to continue growing. The love living in such a mutually respectful and trustful ambiance will then not be distorted. The zero distance, freedom and being forced to keep pace with each other make the couple look so surfacely close to each other but actually create the least trustful ambiance between two persons. Anyone can be spoiled or compelled to be flunky without distance. In a marriage, the cultivation and proper limits are also necessary, otherwise the couple will finally be separated.

The distance also has its aesthetic sense. The love was priceless, but lack of enough distance, its merit is ruined.

Distance is not only the premise to bring beauty, but also can keep the vitality of love. Love is the attraction, appreciation and pursuit between two persons, therefore, after marriage, love still requires the mutual attraction, pursuit, appreciation and being relishable. If both get bored and find nothing to relish, even if live together, such state is not love anymore.

In a marriage, both sides must always regard the other one as an individual being, a goal that needs to constantly pursue and no one is able to get and possess another one once and forever. As long as he is excellent, if you take for granted that you have possessed him once and forever, not pursuing him anymore and that he is not important anymore, not respecting and appreciating him anymore, then some day, he will probably fly away; or both find it meaningless, then still you will finally be separated, or together be changed to boring persons by this meaningless marriage life. A good marriage is supposed to always keep love in imperfect tense and the two persons must understand that love is not yet fulfilled, that it needs to continue growing and that each is supposed to continue respecting the other one as an individual person and continue to win the other one’s heart by action.

Now comes to the question “how are we going to keep the distance?” That is, there is supposed to be a mutual non-interference area. Spiritually, each has his own space and time to be alone. Every spiritual person has the need to be alone sometimes. Or he is supposed to have the right to write his personal diary for himself only and he can have his own secret.

On the other hand, that is, not to interfere with the other one’s social networking. The couple can have common friends, however, each can also have his own friend; perhaps one doesn’t like some of the other one’s friends, but one had better not interfere with this, because the couple are two individual persons, there could be difference in terms of choosing friends, which is reasonable. This also applies to making friends with opposite sex, as long as the couple obey the rule. There are certainly rules and without rules, marriage is impossible to exist and keep.

There is no way to insure marriage absolutely and perfectly secure and among all the solutions, being forced to bind to each other is the worst solution and as a result, or the couple pay their way to keep the meaningless marriage without vitality, or one or both are not willing to be stuck in the boring life and result in separation. Compared with these two results, although the relatively free way of dealing with marriage has a certain risk, in general, it can strengthen the marriage and probably keep it high quality.

In a marriage, one is supposed to respect the other one’s privacy, on the other hand, the actual privacy is supposed to be limited. Privacy has its trait, that is, it is willing to open to those who respect it. Human being is actually not willing to hold out on too much and the more you respect his privacy, the more you trust him, the more he is willing to open to you, thus, the less the actual privacy there will be. On the contrary, if you forbid his privacy, not respecting his privacy and ask him to absolutely be honest to you, then this will result in the distrustful ambience, and even force the other one to cheat and tell the lies.

Apart from the distance, love also requires you to cherish it. When you set the other one free, you should not abuse the freedom, but have your self-discipline. A good love relationship is supposed not to confine the other one’s freedom based on your trust and at the same time not to abuse your own freedom based on your will to cherish.

Keep distance, set free, don’t abuse freedom and are those enough? What if there is problem? – Forgiving. Forgiving is a way of cherishing. Real life’s love with certain regrets is the real love between real men and women. Of course, this doesn’t mean since you would forgive me, I then intend to break the rule; what if she wouldn’t forgive you? You can never tell before it happens and there should not be a single thought by luck. What’s more, you should never revenge, just because he broke the rule once, you then also break the rule, then the revenge circle will never end and will finally result in separation. Of course, this kind of incidents should avoid and should only happen once or twice, that is, rarely, otherwise, even the most forgiving person cannot believe in this love, or has the reason to doubt about whether this casanova has the ability to be a spouse.

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Monday, November 10th, 2008
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Goodbye Lover

The related cases we will refer to when we address this topic are under “Break up” menu.

When we have to say goodbye to a lover, different personalities react differently. This girl said, if he cheated on you, go kick him. Another one said, make sure that this guy your with treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Don’t settle for less. People with such personalities are more likely to get over the pain in a short time.

I sum up this topic in great detail as follows in the hope of helping some other people whose personalities don’t allow them to easily get over the break-up.

When you have to say goodbye to a lover, when you break up with someone you still love, the situation is always like this: your mind says let him go but your heart says hold on.

  • A love relationship is where both people give it their all and put everything into it

    • There are different reasons that we have to say goodbye to a lover, but whatever reason it is, we know that it’s the end. This is something you must realize first. Remember, if hes done it once, he’ll do it again and you deserve better than that. It’s YOUR life and you only get to live it once.

  • Timeout

    • What you have to do is to separate, with no contact, give yourself time to close out that part of your life. Remember, its hard to go through another door when the other door is still open. There are indeed tough situations that for whatever reason you still have to face him every day. If you believe that it’s a really hard situation for you to possibly forget him, then sometimes to move to another place may be necessary, depending on your strength. Imagine a life without him. Live a life like you have never met.

    So many stories tell us the same thing that we still have feeling for ex. You have been dating and both of you have devoted to this love relationship, therefore, it’s reasonable that you still have feeling for ex. However, when your love relationship doesn’t work out, you need to understand it’s a final decision you make to give up ex. Once the decision is made, you should not go back to ex, otherwise it only repeats failure. In order to move on, you need to leave ex as far away as possible. Time will help you forget this love feeling. Because a lot of people are not willing to do so, their life with ex remains complicated, and this created problems to others who involve in later.

  • Keep yourself busy and meet new people

    • What you need to do is to hang out with friends, go to movies or parties, do whatever you can to get out of the house or just keep yourself busy and meet new people.

  • Don’t be involved in another love relationship too soon

    • How soon is too soon? It depends on whether you believe that you have passed “timeout” and forget about your ex. To look for comfort from someone else will only hurt you more and even worse it will hurt the person you seek comfort from.

  • It hurts but eventually you will find someone better

    • Eventually, you’ll end up meeting another guy even better than this one that will make you so much more happy. People did find true love and happiness later. You will be thankful to lose him when someone else nicer comes! On the other hand, if he would have stayed then things could have turned out a lot lot worse. This is a statistics-proved conclusion. Sometimes when people are tied to an unhappy love relationship, they will always complain that they are not as lucky as their friend who finds his / her true love, nevertheless, they aren’t aware if they don’t finish their ongoing love relationship, it’s very hard for them to find true love.

  • Time understands love; time also heals wound

    • Just hang in there, everything will be okay. You just need to give it time. Time heals all wounds and if you just live life to the fullest everything will be alright.

    Simply quote two song titles for you: one is from Eragon; the other one is from Bridge to Terabithia.

    Keep holding on and Keep your mind wide open! Someday, you will fall in love again and love like you’ve never been hurt!

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    Wednesday, July 4th, 2007
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    Friendship vs Love

    Choice

    Friendship vs Love

    The related cases we will refer to when we address this topic are under “Bestfriend vs Lover” menu.

    Love has three major steps:
    1. Fall in love;
    2. Test love;
    3. Love lasting or love ends.

    If you love someone but you have never expressed your love, even if you suppose that you both love each other, then it’s not yet a love relationship; in this case, if a third person appears, you will be quite passive. This is a typical “Shy Guy” issue we will address later. Therefore, the boy in Best friend vs girlfriend case is in a “passive voice”.

    Regardless of the boy’s being shy, let’s assume that the girl and him are in a love relationship when the other boy appears. The followings are the chances:

    1. The boy talks to the girl and asks her if she loves him or the other boy. If the girl says that she loves the other boy, then the boy can have two different reactions:

    one is relatively narrow-minded, to try all his best to disallow this to happen by all means (begging her, prohibiting their connection etc.) The successful rate is 50% or less. The successful part may be that the feeling between the girl and the other by will be gone due to disconnection, however, it doesn’t mean that the feeling between the girl and this boy will definitely be kept or deeper. The risk is that the girl may be negative against the boy’s “force”. Remember, even if she doesn’t love the other boy anymore, this doesn’t definitely mean that she will still love this boy, while the boy takes the risk in losing a friend at the same time. To be a true winner, one needs to win the other person’s heart.

    The other one is more broadminded, to set her free. If she does love the other boy then she’s not yours; if she comes back to you, then she is yours.

    Always remember the three love steps. The girl falls in love with the other boy. It’s understandable. The girl and this boy been together since KJ and the new boy’s appearing is of course refreshing. Just watch out their “love steps” and see the result.

    Back to “set her free”. Remember to win one’s heart is true art. Be broadminded when she comes back. This simply means that love between the girl and the other boy is failed during the test, and all what this boy needs to work on might be to bring more freshness into the relationship.

    2. Don’t forget your friend. Friendship vs love, which one is more important? It depends. If the lover is your true lover, of course she is more important, otherwise, friend is not less important. It happens that friends say goodbye to each other due to a boy or a girl; it happens more often that lovers say goodbye to each other with or without a reason; what is more, it happens too often that friends are forever!

    Don’t forget to talk to your friend if you both fall for a girl. Friendship also needs to be tested! Talk to your friend that you love the girl. Tell your friend that you cherish your friendship as well as your love for her. Tell your friend that you welcome fair competition. Tell your friend that regardless of the result you always take him as your friend. In this way, you secure a true friend and if luckier, a true lover; or you secure a true friend, luckily, don’t keep a relationship with a “false” lover; or the “friend” is not your friend if he betrays you or if he refuses your fair competition or if he leaves you when he “loses”. You have nothing worthy to lose; you have everything worthy to gain.

    3. It’s important not to introduce your lover to your best friend till the feeling between you and your lover grows strong enough, and before that anything may change it, especially a best friend, in that, you talk a lot about your lover to your best friend and about your best friend to your lover, therefore, they have more chances to know each other better and you actually created the chance for them to be close to each other. I’m pretty sure when a couple’s feeling goes truly strong, it will be firm enough to resist any other temptation.

    “Friend or lover” is the other choice between friendship and love. This friend and lover is one person, and he or she can be your friend whom you are being in love with. So to be friend or to be lover, this is a question. To upgrade your friend to lover you take the risk of possibly losing a friend in the future. This person can be your ex-lover. To downgrade a lover to your friend again, can you still be friends?

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    Monday, June 18th, 2007
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    Better Couple

    10 steps to enjoying each other better…
    1. Be realistic about each other. Don’t try to turn ur partner into something he or she is not. Let’s face it, guys-there’s only 1 Pamela Anderson in the world, and even she has had her implants removed! Give ur gal a break and understand that her physical appearance is NOT going to change overnite with the help of a few facials or treatments. And ladies, Brad Pitt has already been taken, so u’re gonna have to do with what ur guy is like! Chill out, love each other for what u are. There is more to ur partner than what meets the eye.
    2. Always talk things out. Now guys, I know this is not ur fave pastime or mode of resolving issues, but u know what? This works with the gals. Don’t make assumptions about each other’s feelings. Learn to xpress urself better so that ur partner understands what u’re angry about, or hurt about, or even happy about! When u stop talking to each other from the heart, it’s the beginning of the end.
    3. Do stuff together. Make an effort to do things together. Do some sports or involve urselves in some shared activities; something both of u enjoy or are interested in. It could be as simple as watching movies together, or just strolling hand-in-hand down Orchard Road. Watch soccer with him once in a while though the green patch on TV puts u to sleep in 3 seconds. And guys, do give in if ur gal asks for another day at window-shopping, rather than suggest that she go out with her girlfriends for “that sort of activities” instead. If u’re spending more time with ur friends rather than with ur partner, it’s a warning sign that u’re drifting apart!!!
    4. Meet each other halfway. If he agrees to throw out that rotten T-shirt with the “The_Rock” print, u shouldn’t kick up much of a fuss if he asks u to keep ur room tidy. There’s gotta be a little giving and taking in a love relationship, so learn to meet each other halfway.
    5.Show ur love. Buy her flowers or candy or perfume every now and then, even if u have been together for 5 years. It’s wonderful to continue showing someone that u care for him or her. Cook him a special meal, paint him a Valentine’s Day card. Knit him mini-socks he can’t wear ( like for decoration purposes ), buy him a packet of milk for breakfast, or pack his wardrobe for him…so he knows u can still be romantic and loving despite having been together for quite a while.
    6. Respect each other. Stop making jokes about her hair or skin, or whatever it is u love to laugh at. Ask urself if she thinks if its funny. And if he has an inferiority complex about his height, stop ogling at tall guys and make him feel worse! Love is about respecting each other’s feelings and being sensitive to each other at all times.
    7. Bury the past. Stop bringing up the past. Gals..don’t bring up the happy things about u and ur ex lover to ur guy, it would jus make him jealous or unhappy. And guys, don’t talk about the happy times that u had with ur ex or mention about her in ur every other sentence as it would make ur gal feel un-happy and she might think that u saying all this b’cos u are gonna get back to your ex or not interested in her anymore.
    8. Sit on ur jealousy. All of us go thru’ spells of insecurity at the beginning of the love relationship, but don’t translate that insecurity into jealousy. If u’re gonna go through ur partner’s mail and cupboard, and eavesdropping on conversations, u know something is wrong – with u!!! Jealousy is like a poison that slowly spreads thru’ the love relationship before finally killing it. Trust ur partner; love has to have trust in it.
    9. Keep ur commitments to each other. If ur partner is standing u up all the time and canceling dates and breaking promises, u need to talk! If u’re in a love relationship, make ur partner ur priority and don’t disappoint him / her if u can help it. It’s really terrible when someone promises to take u to dinner, and then calls to cancel it. Don’t make promises u can’t keep. If ur partner starts to feel that he/she is not important enough to u, u may jus lose him/her.
    10. Be honest. Honesty is not scowling at how awful she looks first thing in the morning, or telling him that he has the biceps of a fly ! When we say “be honest”, we mean expressing ur feelings clearly, not being bitingly cruel. When u’re hurt, say so, and when u’re angry, tell him/her, w/o getting hysterical. If u can’t be honest with ur partner, who can u be honest with? æ Love is also about honesty, and a love relationship where no honesty exists probably isn’t worth it!

    - Unknown

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    Friday, October 20th, 2006
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