How To Know You Are In A Relationship With A Narcissist

Having a relationship with Narcissist is not a pleasant experience. Negative impacts ripple through all areas of life, from ability to concentrate at work to affecting emotional and physical health. The hard part is knowing, if your partner is actually narcissistic (or overly confident). And the tricky part is what if he is a narcissist? In this article, we look at a signs, also known as a (red flag) to indicate that you are in a relationship with Narcissist and explain what you can do in this situation.

There are clues that you are more likely to be in a relationship with a narcissist (also known as a narcissistic personality type) if they possess more than five signs. Or if you are in a relationship with someone who shows all of these signs in extreme cases, you will have something called narcissistic personality disorder or “NPD”. Have you ever tried to talk to someone who talks excessively about himself. Everything is about me. Who listens to him? One thing that stands out is that all conversations are  redirected back to him as the center of the conversation.

Narcissists constantly needs attention. If their needs are not met, it can trigger excitement and anger. Having a relationship with a self-center person, means that all conversations are about them. Every decision, opinion, thought, goal, and choice are about them. The reason for this all-about-me-syndrome, is entitlement. In a relationship this come across as “my way or highway.”  The narcissist doesn’t consider your thoughts, feelings and opinions having value, especially, compared to his.

Here are some key factors to the behavior of a narcissistic personality type.

  1. S/he is vindictive and threatening.
  2. S/he is accusatory, placing blame on you.
  3. There’s a sense of entitlement.
  4. S/he feels smarter.They think that they are endowed with special abilities that no one else possess.
  5. S/he breaks all the rules, since they don’t apply to them.
  6. They are temperamental, with fits of anger, then acts of coldness toward other.S/he focus obsessively on externally things.
  7. They are controlling and manipulative, having to always get their way.
  8. Has a grandiose personality, wants everything to evolve around them.
  9. S/he can be charming, as long as they get everything to go their way. The narcissist snares you in their charms, only to beguile you into his sinister plans to get what he wants for himself. There’s no sincerely toward others.
  10. Narcissists delight in emotional chaos.  They arouse attention by spreading dissension. They stir up negative emotions to gain attention. This makes them feel powerful. And gives the one with them a sense of insecurity, that keeps them off-balance.
  11. Narcissists are often quick to ridicule,  judge and criticize.

If you are in relationship with a narcissist, and it has become unbearable living with him or her, there are available resources to give you strategies to overcome such a personality type.  If you are willing to utilize the help of others, you can learn the skills to regain your sense of value and restore balance and well being to your life.

 

Does my Husband Seem to be Narcissistic

I feel like my husband is a narcissist, but can’t be sure. He obsesses over the college where he graduated and everything that he associates with. He displays everything related to his college’s name so he can visibly see the name when he passes by it. He speaks to himself (pretends to be an announcer at one of his college’s games), he speaks in third person always (“Daddy loves you”, “You need to love your husband”, etc.), can’t apologize (if when that miracle happens, it is only spoken as, “My bad”. He has to be forced to apologize and does so in a rage. He has a spoiled brat attitude, deserving and entitled.) He displays overwhelming pride for his relatives, his childhood, friends, etc., as long as that pride is a direct association to who “he thinks” he is. He is right, never wrong and will pass blame or avoid anything that denys him that glory (which happens to be me!). He once said that the reason all my boyfriends broke up with me was because they weren’t going to put up with me. He wasn’t even around at the time I dated the other guys, how would he know this? Furthermore, I broke up with the majority of the guys I dated and had never even discussed this with him. Narcissistic telepathy, I guess!

Am I off the mark or does he seem to be narcissistic? I’m at a loss here.

Thank you.

– Unknown

 

Min Min says:
May 11, 2011 at 5:42 pm
Actually no one would change himself / herself without an attack to make him / her realize it. Would you change yourself?

I’m sorry I have to say in your case he won’t change since you won’t leave him, then he won’t lose you, so he has no reason to change.

If you leave him and he changed then you would go back to him again and the narcissism could come back again.

If you leave him forever then his changing or not has nothing to do with you any more.

To expect someone else to change is never a solution. You can change yourself or just leave him in order to keep yourself happy. His changing or not is irrelevant.

gingergrl88 says:
May 11, 2011 at 5:28 pm
My husband is exactly the same way and I know he is a narcissist. He fits all of those attributes and then some. Its so hard to be with someone who is always right and is too busy being in love with themself to notice you or your wants or needs, yet constantly expects you to bend over backwards to their every wish. I havent figured out what to do myself. I left him once and we were seperated for a year, then he did the charm thing again and I ended up back with him. I love him more than anything but I cant take constantly being hurt, and I’m afraid because my decision will also affect our son. Can you ever truly cure a narcissist? And how would you know since they are so good at acting?

My Narcissistic Man Made me a Laughing Stock

I need to leave my narcissistic man. He’s done everything from taping us having sex to posting it. I was on the airwaves talking about my most private parts and made me the laughing stock of the land. I’m I guess emotionally unstable. I love this wicked narcissistic man and can’t leave him. I tried once I ended up at a mental institution.

– Tanya

 

Anonymous says:
August 31, 2009 at 7:47 pm
I’m in the same situation where I find it very very very hard to part from a relationship with someone who is a narcissist. I’ve been the through all of the sexual humiliation just to hold on to him even though I know he’s the only reason that I’m miserable. I hope that you’re somehow able to find the strength to leave. I am in no way an expert but I know that I personally have started planning an exit strategy. I don’t know if it will work but I hope to God it will.

I’m planning on leaving the state and I’m trying to save enough money to do that. I know I’m not strong enough to do it if I’m still close to him.

Maybe that may work for you…I hope this helps.

Anonymous says:
September 15, 2009 at 6:52 pm
I left a narcissistic personality disorder, and he made it his mission to destroy everything in my life because I did leave him for good, for ever, he took all my money, destroyed my business, tried to destroy my relationship with my twin sister and friends. I was prepared and unprepared, I was prepared in the sense that I knew that he wasn’t going to stop until he totally felt that I was anihilated, and when I was left, broke, homeless, bankrupt,and emotionally scarred for life, he has dismissed me completely. I didn’t win the battle with him, but I won the war with myself, I know he was awful and disgusting and not someone I could have a happy life with. Money, career, material possessions could ever make up for the feeling that you will be better off without him and his disgusting behaviours. It has been 8 weeks since I filed a police report against him, 8 weeks since he destroyed my old life, 8 weeks since I have had to listen to him. And I am still picking up the pieces of my life, but I am me now.

fresh wounds says:
December 11, 2009 at 11:30 am
I was compelled to share my experiences with you. I recently decided to finalize a breakup that was lingering in my head for so long. I was dating a true narcissist, who was well aware of his self absorbed tendencies.
He would pressure me to do thing that made me uncomfortable and jusitfied it by saying it would beneift the relationship. Certain sexual positions made me extremely uncomfortable and were painful, but he believed that I should sacrifice once in a while for him. COmpletely disregarding my feelings. He felt that I was too opinionated and wanted a woman that did not challenge him as much. This was very difficult, but I could notice the slow change already occurring within me. We spent one year teaching overseas, totally disconnected from my social sphere. He acted as if he needed me in his life and that I was everything to him. When we returned, we went to different cities. Days later, he was a changed man, and his true narcissistic tendencies came through.
Above all, I was giving too much. I had enough and chose me… for the first time, I chose to love me more!
Please think about your situations and try to see how important and worthy you are of someone who adores you UNCONDITIONALLY. I believe it will happen for me someday.

Narcissist Checklist

Anonymous says:
June 18, 2009 at 10:59 am
My responses to several of the traits are based on a marriage to a Narcissist for 15 years.

1. Many famous people are narcissists, but not all narcissists succeed. Some narcissists just want to be successful in their parent’s eyes. Some narcissists are just trying to fill the expectations of others.

2. Everyone wants something from other people, however healthy people want something is usually benign. Narcissists have interest in others ONLY when they have something to gain from the other person. And what they want is strictly for their own edificaion.

4. Everyone does to varying degrees. A narcissist may need to work for the right company or have the most important job.

5. Similar to my comment to #2. Narcissists take advantage of others and uses them selfishly. A narcissist will usually only help someone else if the narcissist will gain from that exchange (eg the approval of a potential mate, the approval of their manager, or parent). Most others will help out of compassion, not expecting anything in return.

6. Again, narcissists will do something for others including family, friends, or work group if they will selfishly gain from the act. They will especially do something when that good deed is being observed. It will help them score points.

7. Narcissists treat others as though the rules (of society, or of a group) do not apply to them. Eg: not obeying company rules because doing so would take too much time or be inconvenient, staying faithful to their spouse, “little people pay tazes”, “people at my level (VP) don’t have to sign into the company activity center because we are too important”.

8. if one doesn’t comply, some experience the silent treatment or some other form of punishment. Narcissists keeps others in their company to serve their needs: run errands, pick up take out dinners. If these people dont comply consistenly and they dont serve any other purpose in their life, they will be punished or told to leave.

9. Narcissists are the experts, don’t forget!

12. Narcissists feed off of being correct and having all the answers. They want others to think they are experts and can do no wrong. If you disagree you will most likely regret your comments. Not all narcissists spiral into depression. Some just retreat further into their fantasy land.

16. Many narcissists are VERY charming people – beware of these people. Think Jim Jones and The People’s Temple, many politicans too and unfortunately even pastors in legitimate religions.

Anonymous says:
October 19, 2009 at 7:52 am
I feel like my husband is a narcissist, but can’t be sure. He obsesses over the college where he graduated and everything that he associates with. He displays everything related to his college’s name so he can visibly see the name when he passes by it. He speaks to himself (pretends to be an announcer at one of his college’s games), he speaks in third person always (“Daddy loves you”, “You need to love your husband”, etc.), can’t apologize (if when that miracle happens, it is only spoken as, “My bad”. He has to be forced to apologize and does so in a rage. He has a spoiled brat attitude, deserving and entitled. He displays overwhelming pride for his relatives, his childhood, friends, etc., as long as that pride is a direct association to who “he thinks” he is. He is right, never wrong and will pass blame or avoid anything that denys him that glory (which happens to be me!). He once said that the reason all my boyfriends broke up with me was because they weren’t going to put up with me. He wasn’t even around at the time I dated the other guys, how would he know this? Furthermore, I broke up with the majority of the guys I dated and had never even discussed this with him. Narcissistic telephathy, I guess!

Am I off the mark or does he seem to be narcissistic? I’m at a loss here.

Thank you.

Are All Leaders Narcissistic?

Most people are in some way narcissistic, but the “narcissists” we are discussing here are those whose narcissism has grown to such an extent that it severely affects the people around them.

There’s a theory out there that says that most well-known successful people are narcissists, but I have a different view. In that theory, all those famous people who have different temperaments, defined in Dr. Keirsey’s relationship book “Please understand me 2“, are labeled as narcissists, including Bill Gates and the like, which I can’t seem to agree with. I may not have the right to say so, in that, I had no chance of living a life close to them to gather evidence. However, in that theory, it mentions four types of people: narcissist, sensualist, utilitarian and marketing, and they are exactly what Dr. Keirsey describes as guardian, idealist, rational and artisan, in this case, I would say, Bill Gates is not a narcissist, at most, he is a narcissistic rational.

The theory also classifies narcissist as productive or destructive narcissists, therefore, the tough-minded guardian in Keirsey’s theory is probably the destructive narcissist the theory talks about.

Combined with these two theories, I think that narcissism is only a trait rather than a temperament, it can exist in any temperament, and it’s either productive (soft-hearted) or destructive (tough-minded). A leader is more likely to have the narcissism trait, because narcissists always boast to others that they are the best and that they are always right, and rumors are seen as true after thousand times repeat. Above all, narcissists ask their followers to do everything 110{6cfcd0bdce77e89f6643114f1e6c62d79211dd6f899a492316d2f6e8299594ce} perfect, which leads to the narcissists’ success. The reason success is attributed to the narcissistic leader is that their followers are willing to put in effort without recognition: The followers do not possess the trait to be recognized as a leader.

However, not all leaders are narcissists. Non-narcissistic leaders recognize team work. Their goal is the success as a team. Non-narcissistic leaders have a team free of narcissists. They don’t need narcissists to be successful.

To spot a narcissistic leader is not difficult; if you remember and mention a founder’s name more than his/her company’s brand, or if you remember a brand’s founder better than the ones of a comparable brand, this is one. For example, you remember Bill Gates but for his competitors, you only remember Google or IBM.

Prem says:
September 6, 2013 at 1:39 pm
I think each one of us have a little bit of narcissism in us and it not always bad. I was perplexed when I read most successful are narcissists and if that’s actually true then I think I will try to start learning it ;). Jokes apart. After reading this post I can’t wait to read Dr.Keirsey’s relationship book “please understand me 2” as I would like to get into the detail. And thanks for bringing up this topic. 🙂

Narcissists – Poor Losers Every Time

We all make mistakes, don’t we? But with a narcissist (I will try to use more “a narcissist” instead of “narcissists”, because obviously “one” is way enough), you should never make a mistake. It sounds good in some way in that, with such a narcissist, you will be or at least close to the perfect person, however, as a narcissist, he/she will never admit to any mistakes.

 

It’s not that narcissists don’t make mistakes; on the contrary, they make the same number of mistakes as anyone else, or even worse, when they deny their mistake and insist they are correct, they may end up with the wrong decisions.

Whenever there is a mistake, the narcissist will blame you, but never accept blame himself / herself, even if the fault is obviously his / hers.

How will you deal with this? I suggest that you never argue with a narcissist over who is wrong if you do want to be with him / her, since you will never win and the arguing never helps solve problems. It really doesn’t matter who admits to being wrong, because in the narcissist’s heart, he / she senses who is wrong (he / she is super smart don’t forget). You should be the most broadminded to contain a narcissist if you do want to stay with him / her. Sometimes it’s real tough, in that, he / she will keep blaming you till he / she is exhausted; it’s better for you to take it as if he / she was actually blaming himself / herself if this helps.

Anyway, it’s your decision whether to keep a love relationship with a narcissist or not. The above is just my humble suggestion; to most people it would be mental torture to act on this suggestion.

shoop says:
January 12, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Great advice… EVER argue with a narcissist. You can’t get them to be reasonable, fair, kind, decent, or loving (much less force them to tell the truth or take any responsibility for their actions or bad behavior.) As someone who grew up surrounded by highly educated, over achieving N’s (mother, father, older sister) I know firsthand that the only thing that results from arguing with an N is that you will get very hurt, very confused, rather frustrated and angry, and feel completely crazy yourself. (Which to them is a win over you). You are playing a game (and it is a game!) that they invented for themselves to win… and they WILL win, have no doubt. Facts don’t matter to them… truth doesn’t matter to them…YOU don’t matter to them (beyond what strokes their ego or serves their own selfish interests…)
The whole gist of being an N seems to be that nothing matters more to them than thier own self image. And those self images have nothing to do with any actual reality… Arguing with them is never going to alter that, no matter how much you want to believe that there is a good person “somewhere in there DEEP DEEP down”. Save yourself a trip to the rubber room…
Thanks for the post!

Prem says:
September 24, 2013 at 1:42 pm
Living with the narcissist is like digging your own grave. Slow death would fit perfectly too, even death is like a small word, the pain which own need to go through is worst like dying 100 times or more over living life in a cell called hell. Egocentric people are pretty dangerous species around, the soon you will get rid of them the better life you could live ahead. But I know it’s easy to say and how painful is to actually experience this pain and how difficult is to get out of this. We have got one life, why to survive life in a living hell. It’s better to get out of this and make your life bright enough to set an example to other people who are undergoing same trauma and pain.

Admiration – The Essential Fuel a Narcissist Needs

Narcissists are not only successful in their way; they also need to constantly convince others that they are the best, the smartest, the most talented, and they never tire of doing so. If it means they must devalue others, then they devalue.

 

It’s something they cannot live without. It’s also something others can’t really live with. It is not enough to avoid saying you are better than or as good as them: you must tell them they are the best. Even that is not enough; they must reinforce their belief that they are the best by pointing out that you are inferior.

The way how a narcissist constantly affirms his position of being the best can extend to even the tiniest unimportant matter. One of my ex-boyfriends used to compare his mother with mine, his sister with my brother. He even compared the brand of his speakers with mine even though that the two brands are equally good or actually mine is better (I don’t really care about this point) It’s their helpless self-esteem that means they can never come second.

My bottom line is not to be hurt; above this line, if you have to lie to yourself to gain success, if you have to say how good you are to confirm your position, it’s OK, I can smile and think about something else. However, below this line, it’s not necessary for me to endure. I will leave you.

That’s what a narcissist is truly afraid of. To be abandoned is the most severe denial of his self-esteem in terms of the excessive admiration he is seeking. He will do anything to get you back, to make up. If it means being violent, then he will be violent; if it means to threaten, then he will threaten.

What’s your reaction? Be afraid and go back to him? Then you repeat your mistake. When he gets you back, everything will be the same and he must continue his self-esteem reinforcement in all matters.

Do narcissists fall in love? No, a narcissist cannot fall in love because he is too much in love with himself. He does not care about what you think, as long as you are there to boost his ego. He feels comfortable as long as you still follow him.

I feel lucky I finally left that ex-boyfriend. He kept writing to me for a whole year after that but I never read his letters.

To hurt his self-esteem is not my intention; to live a life without him is what I want. He may be successful. It has nothing to do with me. I just feel sorry for his present spouse. I can’t help her even though I know what kind of life she is living.

Can a narcissistic guy ever make a loving relationship work? I don’t think so.

Unknown says:
November 27, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I agree whole heartedly. My narcissist ex and his crazy narcissist mother have been hunting me down for over two years. They harass my friends and family without having any remorse. They lack even the slightest bit of manners and behave as though my friends and family are obligated to tell them where I am just by virtue of them being who they are. When my friends and family do not “operate” the way they want. They try to harass them further and become more ill-mannered. Which actually works in my favor because then my friends and family see why I left in the first place. The concept that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar is wasted on them. They see no reason to be nice to people who have broken the rules by not conceding to their greatness.

Narcissists – Successful by their Own Criteria

Not every successful person is a narcissist but most narcissists are successful. It helps you notice in case you encounter one before you are attracted to him and fall in love. Even if they are too young to be recognized as successful, they are more successful than others in the same age bracket.

There are many kinds of success. Famous writers, artists, scientists: They are all successful people. Their novel, painting or invention brought may bring them fame, but they are happy doing what they enjoy regardless of success, though they may feel happier if their creation is recognized.

Narcissists are not into these worthy fields. They are into money, but money is not really their final goal. Their aim is people, the world, the fame of being admired by people and then the power to “run” the world. They don’t contribute a novel, a painting, an invention; for them, these things are unimportant. In their hearts, narcissists may be jealous of those writers, artists, scientists, nevertheless, superficially they try to confirm their success by constantly emphasizing that true success is money, power.

They are good at talking, good at convincing people of their success; that’s where their charm lies and charm blinds your eyes. Be aware, some real life-long misery can start from blind happiness. For a narcissist, if convincing means to lie, then he will lie. Others’ admiration rather than honesty is what makes them comfortable. Some people are unable to lie simply because doing so makes them feel uncomfortable in their heart. Nonetheless, for narcissists, the final goals of fame and power are the only important ones.

What does a narcissist truly bring you? A creation, an invention that benefits society? People who admire narcissistic leaders will carry out these detail jobs for them. Do we need narcissistic leaders? Yes, we do, in some situations (not all), especially in chaos, however, does anyone need a narcissistic husband or wife?

Only if you are a narcissist too, or if you like to be tortured.

Jackie says:
October 11, 2011 at 8:11 pm
I am involved with a narcissists! We also have a sex relationship too. Lately his demands for sex have been uncalled for. Very mean and won’t stop until he gets what he wants. In the mean time, Im suffering and hurting really bad. Im attracted to my narcissists, or am I just lusting after his sex? He won’t ever love me. He wants me to love him? Huh! I won’t. Im very hurt by him.