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Win him back

My boyfriend dumped me recently and it was out of no where. After he broke up with me he told me it was because I didn’t have deep emotional conversations with him (Which is what I wanted I just thought he didn’t) now I know how I could fix this situation if he would ever take me back, but I don’t know how to win him back. Can you tell me how to do that? If we got back together I would make sure to stay together because I would talk to him more and communicate more often; because I understand now what happened.

-Unknown

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Win him back

Thursday, November 26th, 2009
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Head Game

I have dated this guy off and on for 6 years. The reason it has been off and on again so much is because we are both stubborn. I believe he is really passionate about his feelings for me but he can never talk to me about how he feels. He seems to always play head games and say one thing but mean something else. I really like this guy but we seem to be at different points in our lives. He also never wants to hang out with my friends and doesn’t like to do some things I do. Satuday we had some people over and I invited some friends he didn’t know. He ended up getting very upset and punching through a door. Needless to say, I asked him to move and he was out by Sunday night. We haven’t talked since but I am not sure I am completely ready to call it quits. This is the first outburst he has had like this. Do I end it or try to work it out?

- Kim

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Head Game

Tuesday, August 11th, 2009
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Idealist

Ever since I can remember, I have always had a curiosity for this deep inner knowing of “Self”. This all consuming and magnificent obsession has driven me to find new answers about human behavior. I recently ran across the relationship book “Please Understand Me 2” and found that I was a Champion/Healer Idealist temperament.

I am struggling at the moment with a similar feeling of loneliness and alienation. I live in one of the most conservative and traditional areas in the country and find myself constantly curious about others behavior.

I ended up marrying a traditional Provider Guardian and have just really realized that I have tried to change her for the last 7 years of our marriage. I am deeply longing for connection and a “soul mate”, an understanding and a genuine sense that I am known (as described in the Idealist mates profile).

How do I deal with the fact that the person I am with doesn’t understand or maybe even isn’t possible of understanding what I am longing for in a connection with her? When I bring it up or try to communicate in any way it is perceived that we are just different and maybe not meant for each other.

I am at a loss and feel like you may have some insights about relationships dealing with this sort of dilemma. Specifically, about the internal struggles of the Idealist understanding the specific temperament of their mates, but resentful that their perceived notion cannot reciprocate the understanding. I guess what I want to know is, what do we do now that we know more about ourselves and the motivations that drive our sense of self. How can I address the loneliness?

- Unknown

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Idealist

Sunday, June 14th, 2009
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Paranoid Partner

In “Break up” we discussed about the Breakup Cost of Love and the Love Saving Account you need to accumulate to ensure you are rich enough to date and possibly lose love someday with less hurt. In “Love with no Result” we summarized 8 foremost preconditions to ensure a successful love journey with apparently more chances. In “Narcissist” we discussed about a personality disorder to help you spot it at the early stage of your dating and make an informed decision.

Today we will move on to another personality disorder; it’s called “Paranoia”. The most explicit sign of a person with paranoia is that he is overly or constantly suspicious. A paranoid person grasps any single piece of evidence that supports his mistrust and ignores or misinterprets any other evidence to the contrary in order to confirm his doubts, and he continually does so. A person suffering from paranoia continues to question the loyalty of others.

So how will a paranoid partner possibly hurt you if he is just on his guard to protect himself? When you start to date with him and when his love for you goes intense, you will get the answer. In a love relationship, this suspicion usually exhibits unreasonable jealousy.

Jealousy on small doses is cute and essential on a relationship. It is a sign that your partner is being in love with you. It sparks passion and romance, and can enhance a couple’s devotion to each other.

However, when it’s too much and out of control it will eventually destroy the relationship between you and your partner, because it eats away at the one thing that holds you together: Trust. Overdose jealousy leads to numerous fights that totally expose your negative qualities.

For a person with paranoia, jealousy is a byproduct of his own issues with low self-confidence and low self-esteem. To protect himself, he sees other people’s intentions as negative, rather than finding any fault in himself.

Therefore, it’s important for you to find a confident person who “matches” you to date. Please do not humor your paranoid partner who tortures you in the name of “love”. The more you humor him, the crazier he will become, the deeper you will be trapped in, the more breakup cost of love you will face in the future.

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Paranoid Partner

Thursday, June 4th, 2009
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Not that into u

I am 17, and recently, I’ve been very much attracted to this guy who I’m in an after school activity with. Earlier at the start of the activity, about 5 weeks ago or so, he admitted, during a rousing game of “Truth” with a few other friends, he had a crush on me at one point! That was when I started looking at him in a different way, and thinking I really liked him. I completely disregarded that he had also mentioned 2 other girls (the specific question was ‘Who amongst the girls here have you liked, if any?) and was just flattered he mentioned me. Slowly, but steadily, I confirmed to myself and pretty much everyone in the activity that I liked him, including one of the other girls he’d mentioned.

I wasn’t too worried about the other girls, as one had a steady boyfriend, and I thought the other did too, but recently, the 2nd girl and her boyfriend broke up. And I found out my crush and this girl had almost dated. Immediately, I panicked. She was my real competition, and they were much closer friends than he and I were. She and I chatted, being very good friends, and she gave me permission to ‘go for it’ as she had just gotten out of her relationship and claimed she didn’t want to go into another one.

Now, I forgot to mention that recently, I had one of my friends say to the guy “You know [me] likes you, right?” And he just said, in a very neutral way, “Yeah, it’s kinda obvious.” I should have known then to drop it. I even told myself ‘He probably likes the 2nd girl, and she likes him, so this is entirely moot.’ However, my friends fed my broken heart, and after much debating, a few nights ago, I wrote him a very brief e mail basically saying “I like you – I wanted to be straightforward – I’m not expecting anything – Just want you to think about it” and had asked my best girlfriend and best guyfriend to proofread the note and they both okay’ed it. My guyfriend even convinced me that at the LEAST my crush will be flattered to receive the note.

Alas, the day after I sent the e mail, I checked out the woman’s bible for dating: He’s Just Not That Into U and learned that all of our self convincing and hoping was for naught. The honest truth is that he knew I liked him, and he didn’t care, and didn’t reciprocate those feelings, and I should have let it go because he’s just not that into me. If a guy wants you, HE will make the effort to be with you. The simple truth is that boys don’t like to be chased. And sometimes that means that you’ll feel idle, ‘waiting’ for a guy to make a move, but after you flirt, and put yourself out there a bit, and if nothing comes of it by his way, nothing will, and you have to accept that.

If anything, I wish I could go back in time, and just not sent the e mail, I would. And I have a strong notion he rarely checks his e mail, and by the time he gets it, he could be dating the other girl and even if they don’t date… talk about an awkward situation I’ve made for myself. I now am still hopeful, because that is just the pathetic girl’s nature, but I do know and accept that he’ll probably start dating the other girl, and even if he doesn’t, I do know for a fact that I am somehow going to receive a polite rejection from him, and I’ll have to be okay with that. To make my insanely long story short (I guess I’m just feeling chatty tonight) if he can make a move, and he’s not, then he’s simply not that into u. PLEASE read the relationship book; it has officially shamed me and my pushy girl ways. It has changed the way I will forever date.

- Unknown

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Not that into u

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009
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Take it slow

I am 20 years old and last year i had my first broke up with my first love. We were together for 3 years but we ended it because it just wasn’t working anymore. Since the break up we have become happier better people and actually get along like we used to and are much closer than we were before. The thing is, when we broke up we kept seeing eachother which only made it harder as we fell into the patterns of being a “couple” again. This wasnt very good because he was spending time kissing and cuddling me but going out and being with other girls. I ended that because I was only getting hurt in the process and holding on to someone that obvious didnt want just me anymore. After 3 months of both of us being single we are sort of together again. we have decided to take things slow and he says he wants to be good to me. So far he has, he has been wonderful and faithful and our love relationship is better than ever. My only question is will we get back together officially? will he make commitment to being with just me? because right now im not his gf and hes not my bf but i want him to be. for the past 2 months we’ve been spending all our free time together whether its day or night, we have a sexual relationship, he brings me flowers when im sick, everything is great but we arent officially together and it really bothers me. I’ve brought it up with him and hes says he loves how we are now and that taking it slow has been good for us but to me Im just scared im going to get hurt again. I kind of feel like hes keeping his options open, why else do u not make commitment when everything just works? Im confused, I feel that he wants only me but at the same time he doesnt want to make commitment. We’ve been ‘taking it slow’ for 2 months now, am I moving too fast by wanting to get back together?

- Ash

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Take it slow

Friday, January 30th, 2009
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Depressed boyfriend

I have been dated my boyfriend almost a year now. I trust him but everytime he goes somewhere with friends he lies about where he’s going to be at. Couple of days later, he then tells me where he went. Some days he becomes depressed and doesn’t want to talk at all. How could I have a healthy relationship with my boyfriend while trusting him at the same time? How can I handle the sign of his being depressed at times.

- Unknown

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Depressed boyfriend

Tuesday, January 27th, 2009
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Don’t trust her

Hi, I need TRUTHFUL relationship advice.
My girlfriend and I met 18 months ago and since then we have been living together for about a year. She has been married six times and has gotten a divorce every time. I have never been married or been in a truly serious relationship until now. We told each other all the things that two people say when they are passionately being in love. We discussed everything in our lives with each other and made plans and decisions for a permanent relationship. I even gave up my job so we could work around hers, since her job was more established and secure. There are many other things that were discussed that I could include in this message but it would be too long.
Now, she wants to give up on this relationship without telling me all the TRUTHFUL reasons why. I expressed to her from the very beginning that her relationship track record was bad and that I was not looking for a serious relationship at the time that I met her, but the fact that we both agreed this relationship was for real and we could make commitment to it, we decided to RISK it.
My values are the most important thing to me and TRUST is at the very top of the list, which I expressed to her. How can someone be so cruel to fake a relationship, commitment, and LOVE? She tells me that she will LOVE me forever, no matter what happens, but why should I believe her. She has already broken my TRUST. It’s not the fact she has broken this trust that frustrates, it’s the fact that I don’t TRUST what she tells me anymore. Am I fighting a loosing battle? I hate to walk away from something that I put so much effort and sacrifice into. She has some serious issues that she needs to work on, and we have discussed them, but for whatever reason, she wants to end the relationship.
By the way, she has wanted to end the relationship many times before only to change her mind. Not because she wanted to work on herself or the relationship, but because of the reasons that I still don’t know. She has also left once only to call me and wanted to get back together. All of these actions are things that I’m analyzing and trying to come to a decision. There is much more that I could include but I’m hoping someone can give me some relationship advice on what I’ve written. Thanks for all of your help.

- Mike

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Dont trust her

Thursday, March 27th, 2008
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Happy or Not

Both my partner and me are divorced with two children each. We all get along really well and have the usual relationship up and downs but the other day he kept on asking me, are you sure your happy?
I constantly tell him how happy I am and how much I love him. Why does he doubt my happiness?
Please explain this to me.

- TANJA

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Happy or Not

Wednesday, November 7th, 2007
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Narcissist vs Guardian

Most people are in some way narcissistic or have the trait, but the “narcissists” we are discussing here are those whose narcissism has been enlarged to the extreme extent that it severely affects people around them.

There’s a theory out there that believes that most well-known successful people are narcissists, while I have a different view. In that theory, all those famous people who have different temperaments, defined in Dr. Keirsey’s relationship book “Please understand me 2″, are labeled as narcissists, including Bill Gates and the like, which I can’t seem to agree. I may not have the right to say so, in that, I had no chance living in a life close to them to proof it. However, in that theory, it mentions four types of people: narcissist, sensualist, utilitarian and marketing, and they are exactly what Dr. Keirsey describes as guardian, idealist, rational and artisan, in this case, I would say, Bill Gates is not a narcissist, at most, he is a narcissistic rational.

The theory also classifies narcissist as productive and destructive narcissist, therefore, the tough-minded guardian is probably the destructive narcissist we are talking about. They are the most successful type of people outside the United States, in that, more people tend to follow them in a non-democratic society.

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Narcissist vs Guardian

Friday, May 25th, 2007
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