Heels vs Shoes

Can Your Shoes Ruin Your Chances Of Love?

The old maxim states that it is not advisable to judge a book by a cover. This advice seems fair enough on the surface but, as human beings, it is not something we often heed when it comes to judging others based on their appearance and, according to new research, we may be in the right to do so.

Judging people by their shoes is a common pastime made by many – the stereotype is that it is usually women who will make snap judgements on men based on their shoes yet, more often than not, the opposite is also true. If I were to ask a male to visualise a woman, and her personality type, based solely on the fact she wore either a pair of Doc Martens, pink high heels or floral ballet pumps, he would no doubt be able to give a good description of his idea of her based solely on this incredibly small amount of knowledge. This is a perfect example of how, as another old saying goes, the first bite is with the eye. If our opposite sexes are going to make fast judgements solely based on our footwear then it is incredibly important to get these seemingly minor details right. If not we will have some incredibly hard work to do to break down the conscious, or subconscious, preconceived judgements made against us.

Research from the University of Kansas and Wellesley College set about studying the extent into which individuals will judge others based on the shoes they wear and the findings substantiated the belief that individuals can often gage a lot about others from such superficial details as their shoes. Participants in the study were asked to photograph their favourite shoes and then fill in a questionnaire in order to ascertain their personality. Students were then asked to look at the pictures of the shoes and make judgements about the people who wore them and, perhaps unsurprisingly, they were able to make correct estimations about the wearer’s personality. For example, students identified that men who preferred high-top shoes, like boots, were less conscientious than others. The results of the questionnaire mirrored the beliefs of the students.

The test also showed that certain prejudices exist even when the correlation between belief and actuality may not be real. So, for example, owners of high heels or pointy-toed shoes were, on average, labelled as being less emotionally stable than those who wore different varieties of footwear. Although the findings of the study did not show the owners to exhibit these values, the conclusions still show how stereotypes exist and, as such, are things that should be considered by individuals wanting to give out the right impression when at a job interview or on a date. These findings also highlight how it is possible to manipulate individuals into having opinions they may not have otherwise had by wearing shoes that reflect how the wearer wishes to be perceived rather than for how they really are.

Once this study is considered it is easy to see how it is imperative to wear the correct clothes on a first date. The dangers are wearing shoes, or even other items of clothing, that will give your date the wrong, or undesired, impression to your personality and they could even make irreversible judgements about you. Purposefully giving off the wrong impression on a first date with a tactical pair of shoes could work in the short term but will not, ultimately, create chemistry between you after that. The trick is to find shoes that best reflect your personality whilst also not being overwhelming – be honest with your shoes in the same way that you should be honest with your personality on your date. If it works, it works. If not, you will have to keep searching!

Kieron Casey is a fashion blogger who writes, and subconsciously makes judgements, about ladies shoes on a regular basis.

I am One Picky S.O.B.

I know what I have to do, but I don’t like it. First I am one picky S.O.B. when it comes to women. I am too good to waste my time with a girl if she shows no sign of intelligence and talent… I’m careless if they are gorgeous still will I stay away from the pearl. Two women I know and are perfect to me. Both know about each other and know how I feel about them, also know how I feel about the other. I like them both, but I can’t have any of them. Both feel the same about me and know they can’t have me. I am single, but they both are not. Nothing has happened yet with any of us. One is engaged to be married so she is putting her feelings aside; the other wants a relationship but same last name. Both girls are not related to me in any way whatsoever. Same last name marriage is prohibited in my culture. The engaged one wants me to be happy with the other but doesn’t understand the “rules.” The other wants me to be happy, but left it at that. SUCKS!!! I guess I just need relationship advice. I know what I need to do, but I DON’T LIKE IT!

 

– Fatalism

Aphrodite says:
December 7, 2009 at 2:19 pm
I think the problem is that neither woman is interested in you at all. I’m sorry to say it, because you seem to really care about them both. Ask yourself why you want two women whom you can’t have. Is it a commitment issue? I think you need to find someone who really is perfect for you and not someone who is unavailable. 🙂 Good luck!

Tara says:
December 7, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Sorry to hear of your situation- and by the way, best of wishes.
It may be too late to have a happy ending with either of these women.
Maybe in future relationships– try to find someone not already involved.
maybe ask yourself why you are drawn to commited women. do you have a fear of commitment?
Also- these women are having a relationship with you while already being involved. is that the moral of “the woman” that you’d consider marrying?

Daisy says:
December 7, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Well I read ur story. bad things always seem to happen to the best of people. but hey, look at it like this, if you can get over this little obstacle of life then you are ready for bigger opportunities and decisions. i’ve learned that nobody else (not even a best friend) can tell you what to do in a relationship unless they are in it. the only thing they can do is be there to catch you when you fall back and need some pushing up.

Destinie says:
December 7, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Well I think you are picky try someone different i tried it and it worked
I guess well try some one that is opposite than u well besides the sex of them i mean if you like rock and she likes hip hop you get it dont u?
Get some one who loves u 4 who you are. its hard trust me ive gone threw a million guys. waiting 4 that one who appreciates me 4 who i am
and you think that if you cant get either one of them you cant get nobody im sorry but yeah
REPLY
Azariah says:
December 7, 2009 at 2:22 pm
As much as u want them there has to be someone else out there for u i promise and my rule is never make a promise u cant keep if god wills u will find someone that is just your type and if god wills u wont! thats just the way life goes

dieselfit says:
September 9, 2013 at 11:02 am
You couldn’t be more right, intelligence and heart is the number one factor any girl can have. I can see how many men don’t care for these factors, though in the long run they will have these regrets and wishes that they did!

My Boyfriend Made 3 Female Friends

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 years. We aren’t just dating, he is also my best friend, we have so much in common and we match perfectly. We are both 20, and I am an hour away at college, in my 2nd year. He just started college this year because of loans, and he goes to the university near home and commutes.

In the past, the “distance” has never been a huge problem. We would talk on the phone, text,Skye, or just send each other little comments on facebook. That’s when I realized he was hiding things from me. We have always been able to tell each other anything, no hiding necessary. First, it started out that he would watch porn. I asked him what kind of porn and if I could see it, he said that if it “was embarrassing.”

he ALSO said that He has apparently made three female friends at his university, and he drew a funny little comic with inside jokes, and uploaded it into facebook. I have never heard of these girls before in my life. So I ask him, what these photos were about and who the girls are. He gets all weird! saying “why?” “why does it matter?” hmm I just want to know, why should it matter? He says who they are and a little about them, then says “I didn’t tell you cause I know you would get paranoid and jealous.”

I told him that NOT TELLING ME in the first place…made me MORE paranoid. I told him that I was really mad about this, and that he wouldn’t even TELL me who they were and how he knew them, and he said that “if I have any more suspicions, to keep them to myself. He doesn’t wanna hear them.” He says I “stress him out, make him anxious…etc..” Like trying to guilt trip me!

The two girls, don’t seem like a threat at all. But, the other girl is TROUBLE. He doesn’t think so…but her facebook has half nude photos, her interests include “debauchery, adultery, public sex, not wearing underwear…etc etc.”. It is disgusting. She CONSTANTLY posts things on his facebook, and since these girls appeared out of nowhere….he doesn’t even mention my existence once!

When I bring it up, and how I don’t trust this girls’ intentions at all. He gets REAL defensive, defending them….saying that they are “good people”. We got in a few fights last week, about this…then it was about how I won’t play that many video games, the girl he is talking to plays a lot of video games. then it was how “lately it feels like a chore to call you.”

I don’t care if my boyfriend has female friends…just that he NEVER told me, and now this girl is all over his facebook. Even comments directed towards ME…she comments. When we were arguing over all of this, he said that I was “driving him to have doubts.” Doubts about us…our future.

I hate arguing as much as the next person…but if I have a suspicion, a question…he should answer it!! He thinks I am invading his life, I really am not. This whole thing goes on forever and ever. I want to work this out, without him being all defensive and for him to understand that to ACKNOWLEDGE that he has a girlfriend to his female friends.

I’m really hurt and he isn’t making my suspicions go away 🙁 If anyone has ANY information, please do not hesitate to send relationship advice. I can go more into detail if you want, this is just an overview I guess.

Thank you so much.

– Sam

My Boyfriend Puts me in an Alley with a Dead-End Sign

If someone out there relates don’t hesitate to comment. I have a relationship with someone for 1 year and things have been rocky and good but lately and before we’ve been arguing and I don’t know why it’s hard for him to accept my apologies from the beginning of the arguing.

 

I do make mistakes but i’m always willing to say i’m sorry. How can I fix this “honey”? Is there something else I can do other than say i’m sorry. I’m always willing to go out of my way whether i’m right or wrong. And it seems he wants to get so mad and go on and on and makes me really frustrated and then I begin to cry because he puts me in an alley with a dead-end sign and I feel emotionally drained and tired by the time we end everything peacefully usually 2 hours when we usually get really into it which happens 3 o 4 times a month and maybe it’s not so bad for other people but if you felt as sucked died from energy as me it takes at least a couple of days to recover and re-cooperate energy.

And for the next few days I feel sad, really sad even if he says things that he doesn’t mean and then says i’m sorry. I keep playing them in my head over and over. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t want to use his common sense and listen to me and not be so resentful.

I need some relationship advice really soon and really bad. I don’t want to end the relationship but these thoughts enter my head. Should I stay? He may leave me with no other choice but to end everything. I do love him and that’s why i’m doing lots of research on what can be done. I feel so alone, helpless, sad, frustrated, down, gloomy and a little depressed you could say. Why?

– Maira

Min Min says:
March 20, 2010 at 11:23 am
You are already hurt and you will be heartbroken if this continues, especially when the relationship ends. The mistake you make is that you are dancing alone.

The more effort you do the more pain you get and the more you want to stay with him. Because you invest so much time, energy and feeling, the more you invest the more return you expect.

Unfortunately, your investment is a wrong decision.

The pain is unavoidable and hope you will be strong. Next time learn to invest on someone who deserves.

Communication

My Boyfriend Dumped me out of Nowhere

My boyfriend dumped me recently and it was out of no where. After he broke up with me he told me it was because I didn’t have deep emotional conversations with him (Which is what I wanted I just thought he didn’t) now I know how I could fix this situation if he would ever take me back, but I don’t know how to win him back. Can you tell me how to do that? If we got back together I would make sure to stay together because I would talk to him more and communicate more often; because I understand now what happened.

-Unknown

Min Min says:
November 26, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Your boyfriend didn’t tell you that you didn’t have deep emotional conversations with him until he broke up with you; perhaps he didn’t explicitly expressed his concerns or you didn’t pay attention when he did so.

No matter what, you two lacked communications in the past and it’s not all one person’s fault. Since you want to and are able to work on this relationship, at least you have the half chance to win him back.

However, please remember that a love relationship is where both people give it their all and put everything into it. If he didn’t explicitly expressed his concerns or you didn’t pay attention when he did so, and now you are willing to make it up, then you still have chance; however, if your boyfriend didn’t tell you that you didn’t have deep emotional conversations with him until he broke up with you, then it’s actually him who didn’t communicate with you and he will remain so. To win him back is to repeat mistakes.

Timing is critical in the love relationship. When the problem just occurs, it’s still trivial. If the communication is smooth and the problem is dealt with in time, the relationship will grow well; if not, then the problem grows till the love is gone. When the love is gone, makeup effort will be late and even unnecessary.

Since we only know what’s on your mind but not what’s on his, you can just tell him straightforwardly as what you told me and I will pray for you. In case you miss the timing of holding his love for you, please take it easy and move on. If the communication is the only problem between you two, then years later, you two still can be good friends.

Please remember that a love relationship is not where one person gives it all and put every effort into it.

My Boyfriend is Keeping His Options Open

I am 20 years old and last year i had my first broke up with my first love. We were together for 3 years but we ended it because it just wasn’t working anymore. Since the break up we have become happier better people and actually get along like we used to and are much closer than we were before.

 

The thing is, when we broke up we kept seeing eachother which only made it harder as we fell into the patterns of being a “couple” again. This wasn’t very good because he was spending time kissing and cuddling me but going out and being with other girls. I ended that because I was only getting hurt in the process and holding on to someone that obvious didn’t want just me anymore.

After 3 months of both of us being single we are sort of together again. we have decided to take things slow and he says he wants to be good to me. So far he has, he has been wonderful and faithful and our love relationship is better than ever. My only question is will we get back together officially? will he make commitment to being with just me? because right now i’m not his gf and he’s not my boyfriend but i want him to be.

for the past 2 months we’ve been spending all our free time together whether it’s day or night, we have a sexual relationship, he brings me flowers when i’m sick, everything is great but we aren’t officially together and it really bothers me. I’ve brought it up with him and he says he loves how we are now and that taking it slow has been good for us but to me I’m just scared im going to get hurt again. I kind of feel like he’s keeping his options open, why else do u not make commitment when everything just works? I’m confused, I feel that he wants only me but at the same time he doesn’t want to make commitment. We’ve been ‘taking it slow’ for 2 months now, am I moving too fast by wanting to get back together?

– Ash

Min Min says:
January 30, 2009 at 7:55 am
You didnt make it clear why you broke up which could be an important reason why he keeps his options open. Since the breakup you have become happier and does this indicate that you get along better when you are not too close as lovers? This could also be a reason why he takes it slow. He might be afraid of repeating the process of getting back together again and then breaking up again; he might try to work on a better relationship with you. 3 months of being single doesnt definitely mean that he wants only you but that he didnt meet anyone else better. Since you were together for 3 years, I suppose you do love each other, then it could be a personality issue that he is afraid of commitment, especially when you used to break up before. Simply you have two options, or keep taking it slow, or keep your own options open.

Jealous

I’m Having Trouble Trusting Boyfriend

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year 8 months now. I’m still having trouble trusting him. He’s gave me a million reasons for me to trust him. Even his friends told me he is the most faithful person they know. In my past relationships I’ve been cheated on many of times. When he goes out, I always ask him questions like “were there girls there? did they touch you? did u flirt with them?” It’s tearing us apart. We both want to be together for the rest of our lives. We recently had a conversation about this whole trust issue and we almost broke up over it. He told me that if we have to have this conversation again its over. Please help, our relationship is a stake because of me. I want to be able to trust him, I just have a mental block in my head. I suppose I’m doing this to protect myself from getting hurt again. That’s probably why I ask all those questions.

Thank you,
Kalena Lawson

Anonymous says:
January 26, 2009 at 4:35 pm
I been dated my boyfriend almost a year now. I trust him but everytime he goes somewhere with friends. He lies about where he going to be at. Couple of days later, he then tell me where he went. Some days he become despessed and don’t want to talk at all. How could I have a health relationship with my boyfriend while trusting him at the same time? How can I handle the sign of him being depressed at times.
REPLY
Anonymous says:
April 30, 2009 at 6:25 am
In order to trust again, you have to forgive. And often time’s this can be very hard. Forgiving past wrongs, where you were the victim, can be the hardest, to achieve. it’s one thing to say to a person they are forgiven, yet it is another thing to really feel they are forgiven deep in your soul, it can take a lot of time, but I promise you it is the best reward if achieved. It’s going to take a whole lot of reading self-help books on forgiveness and prayer, and possibly many tears.. but once you have surrendered all, you will see the light at the end of the dark tunnel you have been traveling along.

And so will others, as they will see a more healthy, alive you, who fears nothing, and enjoys a person, simply because they are who they are, your love will no longer be needy or conditional but unconditional.

If you do not know, you know now, that you have a God who loves you unconditionally, and He never looks at past wrongs, if you have submitted them before him.

Trust in Him, He knows the beginning and the end.

Magic of Making Up says:
November 27, 2009 at 11:40 am
I feel like you really have belief in your boy friend,since trust is important in every relationship as Relationships are an integral part of our lives and the relationship between lovers, wife and husband.
REPLY

wishuponastar says:
May 6, 2010 at 8:52 pm
It’s funny you write this because I’m in the exact situation except I kept on pushing and pushing until my boyfriend was tired of it. We are still together, but things are not the same was they were 2 years ago. My problem is jealously, also. I was constantly asking the same questions you mentioned. My advice to you is to force yourself to stop asking the questions and force those thoughts of him cheating on you out of your head. It’s hard. Trust me. But, keep trying. Don’t let your relationship be ruined by those thoughts and worries. You’ll find your boyfriend will be way more committed, caring, and interested in you if you act like other girls don’t bother you. After all, if he wanted to be with someone else, he would be. But, he chose you. Don’t make him regret it.
I need to listen to my own advice.
Hope all goes well for you:)

She has Wanted to End the Relationship Many Times

Hi, I need TRUTHFUL relationship advice.
My girlfriend and I met 18 months ago and since then we have been living together for about a year. She has been married six times and has gotten a divorce every time. I have never been married or been in a truly serious relationship until now. We told each other all the things that two people say when they are passionately being in love. We discussed everything in our lives with each other and made plans and decisions for a permanent relationship. I even gave up my job so we could work around hers, since her job was more established and secure. There are many other things that were discussed that I could include in this message but it would be too long.

Girl come and go

Girl

Now, she wants to give up on this relationship without telling me all the TRUTHFUL reasons why. I expressed to her from the very beginning that her relationship track record was bad and that I was not looking for a serious relationship at the time that I met her, but the fact that we both agreed this relationship was for real and we could make commitment to it, we decided to RISK it.
My values are the most important thing to me and TRUST is at the very top of the list, which I expressed to her. How can someone be so cruel to fake a relationship, commitment, and LOVE? She tells me that she will LOVE me forever, no matter what happens, but why should I believe her. She has already broken my TRUST. It’s not the fact she has broken this trust that frustrates, it’s the fact that I don’t TRUST what she tells me anymore. Am I fighting a losing battle? I hate to walk away from something that I put so much effort and sacrifice into. She has some serious issues that she needs to work on, and we have discussed them, but for whatever reason, she wants to end the relationship.
By the way, she has wanted to end the relationship many times before only to change her mind. Not because she wanted to work on herself or the relationship, but because of the reasons that I still don’t know. She has also left once only to call me and wanted to get back together. All of these actions are things that I’m analyzing and trying to come to a decision. There is much more that I could include but I’m hoping someone can give me some relationship advice on what I’ve written. Thanks for all of your help.

– Mike

WildZBill says:
November 27, 2009 at 11:58 am
She sounds like a woman that doesn’t really understand what she wants. That is pretty common.
The conflict is that her emotional side is looking for one type of partner, perhaps a forceful and demanding ‘bad boy’, that will take control of her life, while the rational side is looking for a sweet guy that she can manipulate.

If you really want to keep her, you need to learn to be both. Just role play a little. On weekends, put on your boots and leathers and act like the man in charge. During the week, be sweet and romantic.
You seem to be very worried about her feelings, you need to drop that on the weekends and be more interesting.

She is bored with you. I’m bored with you after 2 paragraphs. 🙂

He Kept on Asking me if I’m Happy

Both my partner and me are divorced with two children each. We all get along really well and have the usual relationship up and downs but the other day he kept on asking me, are you sure your happy?
I constantly tell him how happy I am and how much I love him. Why does he doubt my happiness?
Please explain this to me.

– TANJA

Min Min says:
November 27, 2009 at 12:09 pm
If he doubt your happiness when you constantly tell him how happy you are then there’s a personality conflit between you, that is, he requires a lot more expressiveness than what your personality naturally allows you to offer. If this is the case, I would suggest you to just leave it the way it is, without worrying too much about his doubts. If this will be the very reason that might affect your feeling in the future, there’s not much you can do. He asks too much.

Anonymous says:
January 29, 2009 at 8:31 pm
maybe he’s not happy so he keeps waiting for you to ask for a divorce so he doesnt have to hert you

Joe Taylors says:
November 27, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Yep, I think it boils down to confidence. I know I’ve been there.. bad relationships; you want so badly to do everything right..

He probably wants to give you the world and he wants to make darn sure he is giving you everything that YOU want. He certainly doesn’t want to be sitting a year from now wondering why it failed; asking you if everything is alright he hopes will head that off..

It might be you just need to occasionally reassure him in different ways. Tell him how much you appreciate and love him.

Every person requires a different level of communication and reassurance.. and ones’ past can really influence this. Do we ever really know everything our significant other has been through?

I wouldn’t look at this as a fault. He’s simply cares a lot about you. 🙂

Good Luck!

-Joe

Baltizar says:
November 27, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Ok here is a man’s take on this one, and I don’t say this to be rude or “a guy” thing. But are you two on the same level as to what makes the other happy? Do you even know what he means when he keeps asking? I ask sometimes as I want to make my wife happy, but I can sometimes tell she is not “ok” with something that has happened in the relationship. (kids as well here and not all hers as well.) Its hard to keep the family unit happy and often its a feeling that we need to know if all is ok. With 4 kids there are a lot of things that could be upsetting him you or the 4 kids.
The key is straight out communication, as men say there is a problem if we see one as women tend to hide the true nature and want the men to know what the problem is.
I hope this helps. 🙂

Esmulevitz says:
November 27, 2009 at 12:08 pm
because he had a previous failed relationsihp there’s a great possibitlity he’s scared of another one. Even though you constantly reassure him, he will still be nervous he’s goingto do something wrong and lose another love of his life. My suggesttion is not to really question him about it becuase its just an insecurity of his that will probably go away with time. as he sees security with you he will become more confident in himself and in your happiness.

My Boyfriend Never Calls me and Never Texts Me

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year. We’ve had some pretty hard times at first but always seemed to get through it. These past couple of months he has no time for me. He snaps at me a lot when I call him. I understand he’s taking some difficult classes this year, but he knew going in how hard they would be, and even had the choice of getting an easier teacher, but he didn’t and I supported him.

Smartphone

Smartphone

I don’t think he needs to get his frustration out on me. He even has started joking around about it on some days, how I should punch him for being such a jerk to me. He never calls me, he never texts me, I see him once a week and if i’m lucky it will not result in a fight.

He recently quit his job as well. Sometimes he asks if it’s okay if he flirts with other girls? How am I supposed to react to that? I’m just worried because this is the first time he’s been in a co-ed school. He has girls calling him a lot now and he says it’s because he wants to set them up with a friend of his. I believe him. I just wish he could text me or pick up his phone once in a while so I don’t feel like a pathetic sac.

I’ve gone through some hard times recently and I feel like i’ve gone through them alone. I love him very much, but it’s not the same. Not the same breezy love I had when we first were going out. How can I make it clear to him to ‘pencil me in’?

– Ana

Min Min says:
September 24, 2010 at 10:59 pm
Hi Ana,

I think your boyfriend lacks self-confidence. It’s something hard for you to cope with.

If you care about him, but get no response, that is, you’re giving but not receiving, it’s hard for you, even if he’s thinking of you. This is the way how this type of guys deals with things.

However, if you don’t show care for him, then he’s getting even less and less confident.

I’m sorry, but I don’t want you to get hurt. Just let him know that you care about him but it hurts when your care gets no response, that if you don’t show care for him, it’s not that you don’t care, but that it hurts when your care gets no response and tell him that he’s on your mind.

On the other hand, I hope you don’t expect his response anymore. Rearrange your life. Get used to a life without him.

You didn’t meet him at the right timing.

When you meet the right person at the right timing, it’s a bliss;
When you meet the wrong person at the right timing, it’s a sorrow;
When you meet the wrong person at the wrong time, it’s a a joke;
When you meet the right person at the wrong timing, it’s a sigh.

Ana Crusis says:
September 25, 2010 at 2:50 pm
Thanks Min!
I know I have a life around him, but I just want him to be a part of it. I feel sometimes like if he can go through hoops to be with his friends, why not me? I feel like i’ve done everything in my power to let him know I care. I’ve supported him when even his own parent’s wouldn’t. I’m starting to think he just doesn’t care.