If the answer of the question “why marriage is love’s tomb” is the vanishing of the feeling to respect love, then how are we going to avoid it?
If a romantic love is high quality, then it will surely turn to a long lasting bond of the couple and the main quality of the feeling is the mutual understanding, mutual trust and the privity of their way of thinking. The couple will have a sense of security and that of sharing the happiness and sadness together. They will feel that they are tied to each other and will never part in their life and that they will face all difficulties together. They will deeply miss each other whenever one is away from the other one.
How are we going to protect this great love? The answer is to keep a right distance, intimate while distant. After marriage, two persons are still individual persons, and need to be respected as individual persons, respecting his personality, his freedom; two persons are still two separate individuals and are not able to become one. Unfortunately, people often get it wrong and take for granted that the couple will be one and that both should keep pace with each other and then the conflicts are never ending.
In fact, family is supposed to become an intimate space for an individual to freely grow and provide the room for love to continue growing. The love living in such a mutually respectful and trustful ambiance will then not be distorted. The zero distance, freedom and being forced to keep pace with each other make the couple look so surfacely close to each other but actually create the least trustful ambiance between two persons. Anyone can be spoiled or compelled to be flunky without distance. In a marriage, the cultivation and proper limits are also necessary, otherwise the couple will finally be separated.
The distance also has its aesthetic sense. The love was priceless, but lack of enough distance, its merit is ruined.
Distance is not only the premise to bring beauty, but also can keep the vitality of love. Love is the attraction, appreciation and pursuit between two persons, therefore, after marriage, love still requires the mutual attraction, pursuit, appreciation and being relishable. If both get bored and find nothing to relish, even if live together, such state is not love anymore.
In a marriage, both sides must always regard the other one as an individual being, a goal that needs to constantly pursue and no one is able to get and possess another one once and forever. As long as he is excellent, if you take for granted that you have possessed him once and forever, not pursuing him anymore and that he is not important anymore, not respecting and appreciating him anymore, then some day, he will probably fly away; or both find it meaningless, then still you will finally be separated, or together be changed to boring persons by this meaningless marriage life. A good marriage is supposed to always keep love in imperfect tense and the two persons must understand that love is not yet fulfilled, that it needs to continue growing and that each is supposed to continue respecting the other one as an individual person and continue to win the other one’s heart by action.
Now comes to the question “how are we going to keep the distance?” That is, there is supposed to be a mutual non-interference area. Spiritually, each has his own space and time to be alone. Every spiritual person has the need to be alone sometimes. Or he is supposed to have the right to write his personal diary for himself only and he can have his own secret.
On the other hand, that is, not to interfere with the other one’s social networking. The couple can have common friends, however, each can also have his own friend; perhaps one doesn’t like some of the other one’s friends, but one had better not interfere with this, because the couple are two individual persons, there could be difference in terms of choosing friends, which is reasonable. This also applies to making friends with opposite sex, as long as the couple obey the rule. There are certainly rules and without rules, marriage is impossible to exist and keep.
There is no way to insure marriage absolutely and perfectly secure and among all the solutions, being forced to bind to each other is the worst solution and as a result, or the couple pay their way to keep the meaningless marriage without vitality, or one or both are not willing to be stuck in the boring life and result in separation. Compared with these two results, although the relatively free way of dealing with marriage has a certain risk, in general, it can strengthen the marriage and probably keep it high quality.
In a marriage, one is supposed to respect the other one’s privacy, on the other hand, the actual privacy is supposed to be limited. Privacy has its trait, that is, it is willing to open to those who respect it. Human being is actually not willing to hold out on too much and the more you respect his privacy, the more you trust him, the more he is willing to open to you, thus, the less the actual privacy there will be. On the contrary, if you forbid his privacy, not respecting his privacy and ask him to absolutely be honest to you, then this will result in the distrustful ambience, and even force the other one to cheat and tell the lies.
Apart from the distance, love also requires you to cherish it. When you set the other one free, you should not abuse the freedom, but have your self-discipline. A good love relationship is supposed not to confine the other one’s freedom based on your trust and at the same time not to abuse your own freedom based on your will to cherish.
Keep distance, set free, don’t abuse freedom and are those enough? What if there is problem? – Forgiving. Forgiving is a way of cherishing. Real life’s love with certain regrets is the real love between real men and women. Of course, this doesn’t mean since you would forgive me, I then intend to break the rule; what if she wouldn’t forgive you? You can never tell before it happens and there should not be a single thought by luck. What’s more, you should never revenge, just because he broke the rule once, you then also break the rule, then the revenge circle will never end and will finally result in separation. Of course, this kind of incidents should avoid and should only happen once or twice, that is, rarely, otherwise, even the most forgiving person cannot believe in this love, or has the reason to doubt about whether this casanova has the ability to be a spouse.
