Tag Archives: Relationship Advice

Nov. 05.

Chemical basis of love


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Biological view on love (3 stages of love):

1st Stage: Lust is the initial passionate sexual desire that promotes mating, and involves the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and estrogen. These effects rarely last more than a few weeks or months.

If you don’t go past this stage, then it’s called “sex”. You look for it every a few weeks or months.

2nd Stage: Romantic Attraction is the more individualized and romantic desire for a specific candidate for mating, which develops out of lust as commitment to an individual mate forms.

As people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, stimulating the brain’s pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. This stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years.

If you don’t go past this stage, then it’s called “love addicts”, or “love drug”. When you’re told “I love you” or “I’m in love with you”, is it true?

3rd Stage: Since the lust and attraction stages are both considered temporary, a third stage is needed to account for long-term relationships. Attachment is the bonding that promotes relationships lasting for many years and even decades. Attachment is generally based on commitments such as marriage and children, or on mutual friendship based on things like shared interests. It has been linked to higher levels of the chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin to a greater degree than short-term relationships have.

Love, friendship, or kinship, whatever you call it. Couple at this stage don’t say “I love you” or “I’m in love with you” anymore, since it’s the real deal. When you are at this stage, will you look for lust elsewhere anymore? Will you miss the love drug anymore?

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Apr. 07.

Expectation


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When online dating, why should you just meet people in person as long as you two can handle conversations? – Because people in person are different than they are in pictures and / or in writing.

By 1/3 chance, in person, they’ll appear – not as good as, the same as, or better than they do in their pictures. If you filter people based on their pictures, you’ll miss 1/3 chance meeting awesome people; your chance of meeting disappointing ones will be increased to 50%, and the other half is rarely awesome.

The more disappointed you’re, the more fear of meeting people you’ll have, and the more people you’ll filter, therefore, you’re stuck to a vicious circle.

Conclusion:

* In your online profile, you should upload a recent picture that resembles the recent you in terms of everything: hairstyle, glasses, shape, dressing style … exactly the way you’ll look like when you show up to your dates the first time. If you don’t have a recent picture, try to find a chance to take one.

If you upload the best picture of you, people will be more likely to be disappointed when you show up in person, since you can never be so perfect all the time.

If you’re better at writing than talking, you should really avoid only uploading your best picture, because your writing beautifies your image on other people’s mind, and you actually raised other people’s expectation of you.

We’re all ordinary people. Overall most people are not so much better than other people. We just have differences. What kills is the unrealistic expectation.

* No matter how recent the picture is taken, people in person are still different, because people in person are in 3D (a lot more than a still image) – voices, laughs, moves, smells, manners … The enchanting part of meeting people in person is that the person’s whole image is integrated and you can appreciate it effortlessly, while online, the image is pieced together by your expectation.

Pictures can be deceptive; it’s not even the person’s fault. The person does look like this way in all his / her pictures. If it were to blame, then blame the camera.

* This is probably the reason that people try to avoid long distance ones. The risk is the same, but the effort is different; people tend to feel more disappointed when the unfortunate 1/3 happens, and they tend to blame the distance. It’s also about expectation; the expectation is increased along with the distance and effort.

Meet people before you fall for them, otherwise the risk is the highest, simply because your expectation reaches the highest.

* If you’re not in good shape, I’ll suggest you not to hide the truth. Because the other people will keep this in mind when meeting you, and the outcome might be more positive than you expected. Otherwise, the disappointment is unavoidable and will be increased. It’s also about expectation; hiding the truth increased the difference between the expectation and the truth.

* People do have different tastes / preferences.

It’s all about preferences and when both preferences match, it works. It’s that simple and difficult! High self-confidence and being popular don’t necessarily bring you success. Being yourself and the good luck bring it to you.

Don’t worry about your looks; don’t miss out your chance with your match by altering your basic information including pictures, age, shape and height.

Don’t filter people by their pictures; they may turn out to be awesome.

Don’t let the disappointment defeat you; it only has 1/3 chance.

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Jun. 02.

Love Cost


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OK, OK, I understand, it’s the most difficult emotional time to get over. I understand that the relationship advice in “Goodbye Lover” and “Heartbroken” on how to get it over are so rational and apparent that we all know them but they are hard to carry out in real situation of that moment. The reason is that the relationship advice is too late.

So, today, we switch an angle from being too late to being in time, if not early, when you are still rational. Yes, this piece of relationship advice is for those who are not yet being in love or who just fell in love and still have vision.

Today’s topic is called “Love Cost“, however, this cost of love is not the one that ultimately leads to a long lasting happy marriage, therefore, actually called “Breakup Cost of Love“.

How much does a breakup cost? Of course, financially it cost you. The more serious your love relationship was, the more cost it may occur.

However, are you aware of the hidden cost of a breakup?

First of all is your emotional cost, that is your lowered self-esteem, being sad, depression, being lonely, regret, guilty, pain and insomnia.

The second one is the benefit of current love, so a breakup is also called as “lost love”.

The third one is the unrealized invested cost: money, emotion, time and energy on the wrong person with no expected returns and this cost could have been spent in having more friends, finding or furthering your career.

The fourth one is your previous friendship loss. Because you became lover, you lost a friend.

Because love with no result is costly, it hurts so bad when you break up.

On the other hand, because it’s costly, to ensure you are rich enough to date and possibly lose love some day with less pain, you need to preserve a decent amount of saving.

First saving account is your true best friends. Therefore, continue to expand and maintain your strong emotional support social network while dating. Always keep qualified potential soul mates as friends.

Second saving account is the news or stories of tragedy or grief. When you break up, read them, think about how miserable those people are. Compared with theirs, your life is much better, because you are rich enough to date. Or keep a saving account of heart-stirring books or songs. Concentrate your emotion on positive elements without a moment to be depressed. Internet can help you a lot.

Third saving account is the notes of your lover’s strong points and shortcomings. Please have two separate diaries ready for each purpose. When breaking up, simply read the shortcoming diary and tell yourself, “It’s not a regret at all to lose such a person.” But remember, never read it when everything is fine!

Please learn to accept the fact that finding your soul mate is a trial and you may make wrong choice.

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