Love U is my coaching program for smart women who want to make smarter choices in love. You might think that since people can’t date in person that demand has gone down, during this corona virus.
Yet, in this unprecedented time, there is a longing that many have to be with someone. Not only are single people lonelier than ever, but couples in weak marriages are being tested, by being together so much..
I’m no Nostradamus, but I would predict a big divorce boom in 2021-22. Which brings me to this article, written by my friend, author Lori Gottlieb, from her weekly, “Ask a Therapist” column in The Atlantic. The gist of the reader’s question:
“The time spent under the same roof is showing me the problematic aspects of our relationship. Whether this is the right fit, has been a lingering question in my mind., For the most part, I feel like I am with someone special who “gets me” and makes me happy. But, now I’m second-guessing myself. I wonder why I’m dissatisfied. What does it really means?”
Rather than give a weaker answer than Gottlieb, I would encourage you to read the above piece and note the balance and nuance of her reply. She offers validation of her feelings. But emphasizes that it’s up to her to do something different to get a different result – in this case, seeking to understand him instead of trying to change him:
“I realize that I’m asking you to get from him more about himself, when you’re the one who doesn’t feel heard. Yet, the best way to get someone to listen to you, is to listen to them first. This means not to do it in a resentful or half-hearted way, but taking the time to thoughtfully, hear their words. Make him“feel ,” he is reaching you, as we say in therapy. Some people repeat themselves, because they don’t feel, as if they were truly heard, the first dozen times they expressed how they felt. There’s a good chance that if your boyfriend feels understood by you—which will regulate his anxiety—he’ll be less distracted,and more willing to hear what your needs are as well.”
In relationships, you have two choices: Stay or go. If you’re going to stay, you have to come to terms with accepting your partner, as he is, while working on your ability to reset expectations, manage your emotions and communicate more effectively.
“Dealing with a global crisis adds stress to relationships. But, it creates a great opportunity for growth as well. We have to examine our role. To learn to control what we have the power to make work. And take action to make things better—that’s one choice we all have the power to do .”
This is exactly what I teach in Love U. Control what you can. Let go of the rest. Choose relationships that don’t require too much work. If you don’t feel good, find a better partner.
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.