She Doesn’t Want a Boyfriend Right Now, What Are My Options?

You’ve trolled local bars, joined some cool meetups, swiped right tons of times on Tinder, and finally — after all that effort — you’ve met a woman who’s girlfriend-worthy. Not only that, but you guys hit it off and start dating. Things are pretty much awesome.

But then, things take a weird turn. Suddenly, the texts start to dwindle, she seems less and less excited to see you, and when you ask her about it, she says THIS:

“I just don’t think I’m ready for a relationship right now.”

What?

It’s seriously the most confusing thing to hear, especially when things seemed so perfect in the beginning. So what gives? When a woman says she doesn’t want a boyfriend right now, is there anything you can do about it? The answer is yes.

First, If She Doesn’t Want a Boyfriend Right Now, Look At Things Realistically

Try looking at the situation like someone else would. What actually happened here? It may seem like you guys are close, but did she ever say anything to give the impression she wanted anything more serious? If she didn’t, you may have asked her to make things official before she was ready.

So the question is, why did you jump the gun? There could be a serious case of FOMO going on … or maybe you’re coming on too strong?

Another thing you might want to ask yourself is, how well do you actually know her? Fantasy plays a huge part in who we’re attracted to, and if this girl matches the picture in your head of the ideal woman in a superficial way, you might have tried to lock things down too early without really thinking it through.

Do Some Digging

If you guys have mutual friends, you might want to ask around and see what you can find out about this. Her friends might know more about her relationship history, whether or not she’s been hanging out with someone else, or even what she says about you when you’re not around.

Just remember to do this subtly, because they might clam up if they think you’re trying to use them for information. Still, see what they’re willing to tell you. The real reason why she’s not willing to date you seriously could be something that she’s too afraid to say — but that everyone else knows.

Or, an even better way to do it is to simply ask her directly. The key here is not to ask her in a needy way (in other words, you don’t want to give the impression that she’s higher value than you are). But, asking her a few questions in a non-judgmental way can reveal a lot. For example, you could learn that:

  • It has nothing to do with you
  • There are things about you that are giving her doubts
  • She wasn’t right for you anyway

When it comes to having this delicate conversation though, here’s how you DON’T want to do it:

YOU: I’ve been thinking a lot about us, and would really like to call you my girlfriend.

Her: Oh, wow. You know what, I’m really flattered, but I don’t think I want a boyfriend right now.

YOU: Why? We’ve been hanging out every single weekend, we text all day long, and neither of us are seeing anyone else. Aren’t we practically boyfriend/girlfriend anyway?

Her: Yeah, but I just don’t want to get serious with anyone.

YOU: So you’ve been lying to me all this time basically? What have we been doing all this time, then?

Her: If you feel like it’s a waste of time, then go. No one’s stopping you.

Getting defensive will only box you into a corner. Assuming she’s not willing to change her mind on the spot, she’ll have no other choice than to cut ties in order to make you feel better.

But what if you responded like this?

YOU: I’ve been thinking a lot about us, and would really like to call you my girlfriend.

Her: Oh, wow. You know what, I’m really flattered, but I don’t think I want a boyfriend right now.

YOU: Are you afraid that would make things different between us?

Her: I’m not sure. I just don’t want to feel tied down, and I’m so busy these days.

YOU: I get that. I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent together. Even though I’m looking for a relationship, I’d still be open to hanging out once in a while as we have been.

Her: Great. I’d like that.

How is this better, you might ask? First, you haven’t forced her to cut things off. Second, you kept the feelings positive between the two of you, which leaves the door open for you to employ other tactics. For example, you might want to …

Consider a Casual Relationship

Think about it: She says she doesn’t want a boyfriend right now, but she’s still seeing you. I’m not saying anything for sure, but a casual relationship may not be off the table. That is, if you’re okay with that. If so, you’re not alone: According to Psychology Today, over 50% of people in their 20s have already had an FWB (friends with benefits) relationship at least once.

So ask yourself, what do you REALLY want? Is this someone who you really like as a person, or is she just hot? If it’s the latter … and she’s saying she doesn’t want a boyfriend right now … this actually could be the best news you’ve heard all day.

On the other hand, be aware that an FWB relationship can be disastrous if there’s part of you that honestly wants more. If you’re secretly hoping the FWB will lead to a real relationship, consider yourself warned: It won’t.

But if that’s what you actually wanted in the first place (maybe you thought you needed to make her a girlfriend in order to have a sexual relationship) then you’re in luck.

However, to really increase the odds of her agreeing to a casual relationship, you’ll need to increase the sexual tension between the two of you first. Right now, that tension might be pretty low. So, if you do nothing else, please …

Stop Treating Her Like a Girlfriend

This piece of advice is key, so listen up. If she says she doesn’t want a boyfriend, then for god’s sake, STOP treating her like a girlfriend. Like immediately.

In case you’re not sure what I mean, here are a couple of things you may be doing that simply aren’t worth it:

  • Spending ALL your free time with her. If it’s obvious that you’re spending all of your available free time with her (like both weekend days, and texting on weeknights) then it’s going to be hard for her to see your worth. Cancelling your other plans just to be with her is even worse. Instead, she needs to see that while you may enjoy hanging out with her, you don’t need to be with her. Don’t make it seem like you have nothing better to do. It’ll just hurt your cause. Be willing to say “no” sometimes, which will subtly reinforce your worth.
  • Agreeing with her, even when you secretly don’t. When we like someone, it’s easy to get all googly-eyed and say “yes” to everything they suggest. But people can feel when you’re kissing up to them, and that kind of energy lowers your attractiveness as a man, making you look less confident. Keep your opinions and express them to her. She’ll respect you for it.

Once you stop treating her like a girlfriend, you are in prime position to go in for the kill. I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to …

Reverse Friendzone Her

Reverse friendzoning means that you literally treat her like a friend, and no more. Treat her like someone you’re actually not attracted to. Like a sister, even. De-prioritize her in your life. And, here’s the harder part: If she does try to be affectionate at all, push her away. At least right now.

Putting her in the friendzone immediately after she put YOU in the friendzone will communicate two things. One, that you know you’re good enough to get someone else — to the point that you’re willing to back it up with your actions. And two, that she’s ultimately replaceable.

Trust me, even if you don’t see a change in her behavior right away, it’ll make her think twice.

Sounds harsh? It’s not, really. First, she’s already done that to you. This just exaggerates the tone she’s setting for your relationship, to the point where she can feel the consequences. Ideally, if she wasn’t 100% sure about her decision to turn you down in the first place, then making her feel what it’s really like to just be your friend could change her mind.

Don’t Wait for Her

We all know there are no guarantees in life. So if she’s saying she doesn’t want a boyfriend right now, it’s best to believe it. Not putting 100% effort and focus into your dating life is a mistake, which you’ll regret if she sticks to her decision. So you’ve got to get out there and start dating other people, even if it hurts at first.

To really get the most out of your dating life, especially at a time like this, I strongly suggest MegaDating. Once you embrace this supercharged way of dating, you’ll be seeing several women at the same time — which has enormous benefits. For one thing, once you’re in this mindset, you won’t get locked into any one woman, thinking of her as your sole ticket to happiness. Instead, you’ll know that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and will develop the confidence you need to not only find the perfect woman, but make her come to you.

Once you’ve been MegaDating, you’ll have no problem fully moving on from this woman, if you have to. And would that be such a bad thing? After all, you could find the same or even better satisfaction elsewhere.

Think about all the reasons you wanted her as your girlfriend in the first place (besides sex). Is it a feeling of connection? Companionship? Those inside jokes that only the two of you share? Then, ask yourself how you can experience those things with other people or situations. Good relationships and feelings of connections are built over time — and you and you can do that again with someone else. I promise.

Choose to Learn from This

Especially if this has been a painful experience, you want to make sure that something good comes from it. So take the extra time to figure out what you can learn, because there’s always a lesson.

For example, if you find yourself experiencing heartache over and over again, you might want to see if there’s a pattern. Does this kind of thing happen a lot? Are these women similar in some way that you hadn’t thought of before? How do you typically express your interest in a woman, and can you change this in any way? Relationships can be painful, but knowledge is power.

This could be your chance to really take control of your dating life by discovering how you may be secretly sabotaging it. We all do this, but not all of us take the time to really understand how it’s occurring. Once you get a clear understanding of why this may be happening, it’ll be that much easier to change course … and find the woman you were always meant to be with.

That said, I am always available if you want an outside opinion! Book a 1-on-1 New Client Skype session with me and we can look at your particular situation together to see what might really be going on. After our session, you’ll come away with specific tips and strategies for attracting the women you really want, bringing you one step closer to the relationship you’ve been looking for. We’ll also determine if my 3-month Signature coaching program could work for you!

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