How To Have A Civil Break Up

How you do it matters, especially if you want to leave the relationship on good terms?

Why do some couples call it quits, and how can you break up amicably? In a new study, Superdrug Online Doctor surveyed 1,000 individuals about what caused them to end their relationships, exploring the thoughts and feelings that commonly precipitate breakups. Here are some of the results. 

Before the Breakup

There are many reasons couples might not work out. But, according to the study, 31% said mismatched aspirations had caused them to break up – the highest percentage of all of the reasons analyzed. Other popular reasons included falling out of love (29%), a lack of communication (27%), and feeling their partner took them for granted or that there was a lack of trust (22% each).

On average, women waited longer than men to broach the subject of breaking up once they decided to end things.

But do people know they are going to be broken up with before it happens? The survey shows that 1 in 3 people who were dumped said the breakup came as a surprise. Once respondents noticed a lack of communication, less time spent together, and a feeling of something being wrong, they knew there was reason to be concerned. 

But 11% of respondents broke up with someone because the sex was bad, and 10% of those surveyed ended the relationship because of mismatched sex drives. More than 1 in 4 people noticed less-frequent sex before being broken up with.

However, almost half (47%) of couples who don’t live together did not stop having sex before breaking up.

How to Avoid a Messy Breakup

There are many ways to end a relationship, but what are the best ways to avoid a messy breakup? Almost 3 in 5 respondents said they had a clean break up when they respected the other person. In the messiest breakups, people tried to create distance before the end. 

Additionally, people were more likely to have an amicable breakup if told in person. Of the people who took this route, 80% had a clean breakup, compared to only 66% who reported breaking up on bad terms. The worst way to break up with someone, according to the study, was to do it through a text message. 

While most relationships end, taking some of these statistics into account could help avoid greater heartbreak later on

BREAKUP TECHNIQUES: FROM MESSY TO MATURE

No one approaches breakup conversations with high expectations: No matter how well you communicate, feelings are bound to get hurt. Still, our findings suggested that some tactics and choices could help the process of splitting up go as smoothly as possible.

Respondents who said their breakups were “clean” were far more likely to have remained respectful to their partner and kept their composure during the difficult conversation. Of course, these behaviours are easier said than done: Once accusations start flying, it’s tough to keep your cool.

People who experienced clean breakups were also much more likely to be clear about why they were ending things and to avoid creating false hope.

Experts agree that being honest and firm is actually the kindest way to end things. While some may be tempted to soften the blow, lack of clarity will only lead to more hurt.

Another important breakup conversation takeaway: The medium matters just as much as the message. While most breakups happened in person, 23% of messy ones took place over text message.

Unfortunately, texting after a breakup can be even more cowardly, keeping someone emotionally engaged after parting ways. However they unfold, though, our findings showed that messy breakups have lasting ramifications, making it much harder to move on.

via GIPHY

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Do you Think He has Lost Interest in Me?

For a year I was dying to meet a guy that attended the same church as me. Every time I see him I would feel that he was the right one for me and I knew I really wanted to meet him. My sister decided to go and ask for his number with out my permission and I was surprised to find out that he was interested in meeting me.

 

He txt me that day and it was like a dream come true. We txt hours and he asked me out on a date. I thought he was going too fast. He explained that he would be leaving to Paris for 2 months and he wanted to get to know me more and spend time with me before he left.

We went on a date and he was so sweet and nice. By the end of the date we went to a lake and not planned we were hugging and then we kissed. I feel good about it and idk he did.

After the date he would txt me and he said we were gonna keep in touch when he was gone. I gave him my email and a week later after he left he emailed me. I replied and he did answer the second time but after the third time I emailed him he didn’t reply back.

I emailed him for his birthday and he did answer to that email. He asked me how I was doing and that he was really glad to hear from me but it was short and simple not like the other emails he had sent me long and flirty. I replied back and he has not answered me.

I’m a person who worries too much and I can’t stop thinking about him and our date. But the thing is that, do you think he has lost interest in me? Or he met someone else in his trip? Maybe I’m over exaggerating. I’m afraid that when he comes back he would not talk to me no more or he would tell me that he meet someone else in Paris. Should I just wait and take things slow?

– Maria

Min Min says:
June 8, 2010 at 2:09 pm
I’m not sure if he’s still interested based on the information you provided with, but I think even if he’s not interested, your worries waste your time. You should not expect too much and should enjoy what’s around you.

Is he that into her?

He’s Just Not That Into U

I am 17, and recently, I’ve been very much attracted to this guy who I’m in an after school activity with. Earlier at the start of the activity, about 5 weeks ago or so, he admitted, during a rousing game of “Truth” with a few other friends, he had a crush on me at one point! That was when I started looking at him in a different way, and thinking I really liked him. I completely disregarded that he had also mentioned 2 other girls (the specific question was ‘Who amongst the girls here have you liked, if any?) and was just flattered he mentioned me. Slowly, but steadily, I confirmed to myself and pretty much everyone in the activity that I liked him, including one of the other girls he’d mentioned.

I wasn’t too worried about the other girls, as one had a steady boyfriend, and I thought the other did too, but recently, the 2nd girl and her boyfriend broke up. And I found out my crush and this girl had almost dated. Immediately, I panicked. She was my real competition, and they were much closer friends than he and I were. She and I chatted, being very good friends, and she gave me permission to ‘go for it’ as she had just gotten out of her relationship and claimed she didn’t want to go into another one.

Now, I forgot to mention that recently, I had one of my friends say to the guy “You know [me] likes you, right?” And he just said, in a very neutral way, “Yeah, it’s kinda obvious.” I should have known then to drop it. I even told myself ‘He probably likes the 2nd girl, and she likes him, so this is entirely moot.’ However, my friends fed my broken heart, and after much debating, a few nights ago, I wrote him a very brief e mail basically saying “I like you – I wanted to be straightforward – I’m not expecting anything – Just want you to think about it” and had asked my best girlfriend and best guyfriend to proofread the note and they both okay’ed it. My guyfriend even convinced me that at the LEAST my crush will be flattered to receive the note.

He's just not that into you

Alas, the day after I sent the e mail, I checked out the woman’s bible for dating: He’s Just Not That Into U and learned that all of our self convincing and hoping was for naught. The honest truth is that he knew I liked him, and he didn’t care, and didn’t reciprocate those feelings, and I should have let it go because he’s just not that into me. If a guy wants you, HE will make the effort to be with you. The simple truth is that boys don’t like to be chased. And sometimes that means that you’ll feel idle, ‘waiting’ for a guy to make a move, but after you flirt, and put yourself out there a bit, and if nothing comes of it by his way, nothing will, and you have to accept that.

If anything, I wish I could go back in time, and just not sent the e mail, I would. And I have a strong notion he rarely checks his e mail, and by the time he gets it, he could be dating the other girl and even if they don’t date… talk about an awkward situation I’ve made for myself. I now am still hopeful, because that is just the pathetic girl’s nature, but I do know and accept that he’ll probably start dating the other girl, and even if he doesn’t, I do know for a fact that I am somehow going to receive a polite rejection from him, and I’ll have to be okay with that. To make my insanely long story short (I guess I’m just feeling chatty tonight) if he can make a move, and he’s not, then he’s simply not that into u. PLEASE read the relationship book; it has officially shamed me and my pushy girl ways. It has changed the way I will forever date.

– Unknown

Min Min’s notes: Can you tell if he’s into her by the following pictures?

Is he into her?

 

What do Senior Guys Want with Freshmen Girls?

My older brother is a senior and i am a freshman. i hang out with my bro all the time, hes one of my best friends and i am gonna miss him more than my parents when he leaves for college next year. i hang out with him and his friends a lot, and i have for about 3 or 4 years. they all know me on a personal level and after a year or two they werent just my brothers friends, but mine too.

 

on xmas eve this year i went with my family to a party that my brothers closest friend, let’s call him Z, was throwing. well, actually it was his parents. there were mostly adults and just a few teenagers that Z wanted to come. i was hanging out with all my and my brothers friends and Z kept flirting with me.

i was always sort of used to it. all of my older guy friends through my bro liked to flirt with me a little, but my brother has a good 6 or 7 inches on all of them and would severely hurt any of them if he thought he needed too (hes slightly over protective, but i love him!)

so i was used to Z, and all the other guys there for that matter, flirting with me a little, sorta to bother my brother i think. but on xmas eve it was over the top. he wasnt talking to my brother at all, or any of his other guests really, just me. he was singling me out in a way i dont recognize from him. i know him well and this is something else.

when we were walking upstairs, not to do anything… his friends were upstairs on the computer, he put his arm around my shoulder. he looked behind us and muttered to me that he saw my brother and he was lucky he wasnt looking, suggesting at what walking upstairs looked like.

at another time, when my brother, Z, and i were talking he started to talk about my necklace (i was wearing a low cut black dress for the event, not ultra revealing, but most evening wear is low cut) and staring at my chest! if my necklace was shorter then i wouldn’t have thought much of it, but it was a longer necklace to compliment the low cut dress, so he was LITERALLY staring at my boobs with my brother right next to him. i glanced at my brother and i thought he was going to break the wall next to him. i was afraid i was going to get caught in the middle of my brother attacking Z. so i quickly changed the subject.

later when i saw him sitting alone in the basement, where the teenagers often play poker or watch tv, he looked up and almost jumped out of the chair to hug me.

i had known him for 4 years and he had never felt the need to hug me. even when i left his house i would just say a short farewell phrase and leave with my brother. this was so… strange.

if it were anyone but Z, i would be sure with the over-the-top flirting and everything else that happened on xmas eve, that he sorta had a thing for me. but its not anyone, its Z. hes my brothers best friend and has been for years. i trust him in a non peer who treats me like a peer sort of way. i am so confused by how he was acting! he has never shown an interest so seriously before that night.

i sat around and thought about it for a long time… thinking through everything that happened and if i had somehow misunderstood him walking to stand close to me each time i walked in the room, the way he ignored other to talk to me, but i couldn’t fathom it. the only thing that i could do for the longest time was thinking. in my dreams, while i ate, as i ignored the ringing phone. nothing. i may not be an adult with tons of life experiences, but when you’re there, when it’s happening, you can just tell when someone is acting interested.

i took that and the only thing i could decide on was this–
what do seniors want with freshman?
what do senior GUYS want with freshmen GIRLS?
it was a little to obvious… and so i am suspicious. has anyone on the goddamn website heard of a guy who is 17 being genuinely interested in a 15 year old?

i dont think i have. and so i am conflicted. what is the best way to respond to such a situation, when i see his motives a little too clearly…?

– Rachael